Learning to Trust Myself V

[heatherg]

Thanks Jabez, some of these are probably worth answering in my thread.

Do you love H?

Probably not the way one is supposed to love another, unconditionally. There is much about my H that I hate and I have trouble respecting him and his decisions.

Why do you want to stay in this R?

Because we have such a long history, we have children, we have so many memories. He and I could have everything a married couple wants. We don't have any problems that can't be solved....it's just solving them seems to be insurmountable sometimes especially when one of us perceives something to be a problem and the other disagrees. How do you ever see eye to eye with someone who just doesn't think like you do?

Can you find anything to be happy about?


I am the mother of two beautiful and healthy children, I have a great job, I like myself and the way I look, I love my karate class, my sister is my best friend, I don't have any horrors from childhood.

Can you find anything in your R/M to be happy about?

We are taking dance classes, we have had some really good conversations where H has actually spoken from the heart, H has agreed to counseling, H has been more supportive of my role with S5 (outside of the bedtime thing), there has been talk of the future (house, etc).

Can you find anything about H to be happy about?

My H is good looking, I'm attracted to him. He's chivalrous when we are getting along. He's not social, but the upside of that is that he's home all the time and spends his time with his family. He can be goofy with me, we can laugh together. When it comes to other people's situations, we almost always see eye to eye. He's thoughtful with gifts. He's a good lover.

Do you really want to save your M or are you ultimately concerned and fearful of the financial drain of a D and the need to alter your lifestyle?

I really want to save my M.

Do you need H rather than love him?

I don't need H. I am very financially independent and mostly run our household on my own anyway as far as division of household work.

Do you believe you should stay to protect S5 & D2?

Yes.

Does a part of you like this excitement?


This one worries me. Do I like it? No, not even a little bit. BUT....I do worry that an argument has become my way to emotionally connect with H when all seems to have failed. I don't know for sure, but it seems that I let things build up and build up and then I just blow. And it's not pretty. Last night in fact, was not pretty.

Last night was just like the old me. Just spewing everything I hate about H. I told him I believe I'd be better off without him and that I'd always believed that but for some crazy a@@ reason I love him. I later apologized for saying that....I do feel that way a lot, but to put it into words like that is nothing short of cruel. I can be very cruel. It was just like old times with him staring at the TV and me going off.

I have had a lot on my mind with this job thing. He told me last night that 'something's up with you, I don't know what it is, but it's been going on for a couple of days now'. Well that something is a combination of PMS and that I've been completely stressing over this job. This job could be great for him. For us too if things were normal. This is part of our dream. But, we're not living our dream. We're stuck in this crappy reality where H has hit pause. He cannot even recommit to this marriage to the extent that he wears his ring. But I am supposed to welcome him into the second largest aspect of my life (my workplace)?! He insists that we be nice to one another, that we start with that. Getting him a job at my company goes leaps and bounds past 'being nice' and I think if that's the snail's pace he is choosing, then it has got to go both ways. Sometimes it feels like he's just using me to get what he wants. Like I can be played for a fool at his whim. I know these are my feelings and are probably not indicative of what he's actually doing, but the point is there's nothing positive going on to make me feel otherwise.
I fear that he really is trying and I'm ruining it by demanding too much at once. I'm really blowing this thing. I need to trust myself. If I don't want to get him a job here, then I won't forward his resume. This is my decision. I don't have to take it out on him and be super angry at everything. See, my problem is that I WANT to get him a job here. I WANT to go forward with our dreams. And I'm mad and fuming and being totally out of line with him because I can't do that.