It's H who is saying "NO WAY" to a 9:30 bedtime. ... So, then S5 asked if we could play to see who comes in second. I said no, H said yes. They continued to play.
Heather, thanks for having me realize it's really H's bedtime programming that needs rewiring.
Hopefully our counselor isn't a fan of porn
Counselors are to be impartial. The deal is to see if that habit is destructive or not. But counselors vary.
He sent me his resume to turn over. However, now I'm getting cold feet. My place of work is my haven, my refuge from him and all our M problems. I can't imagine working in the same company if we divorced.
Yeah, rewrite his resume.
I keep wanting to move forward with all these big dreams, things that would be great if WE were great.
Those are just dreams. That's a fantasy, as you know what the reality is. That's the romantic in you. Not saying there's no room for romance, just saying get your head out of that cloudy place. It's a "What if angels danced on pinheads" sort of thing. Dancing, big house, et al, are all adjuncts to the base relationship.
Also, Heather, keep in mind that H does try to sabotage whenever you assert your authority, and undermine you in passive-aggressive ways. The incident at the mall comes to mind, and that's the same dynamic as the bedtime dilemma when you boil down to it.
It's also part and parcel of his control issues. Hopefully, his individual counseling will bring that out, though it sounds to me it's more likely to come out in your joint sessions. Oughtta keep the IC sessions going when you get into JC.
If it doesn't come out, print your thread out and hand it over to the counselor. It provides a pretty decent journal of your experiences.
That's really an excellent idea, printing out the thread to show a counselor. I never thought of that.
heather, thinking of you. I think it's a huge positive that you both attend counseling. I know it doesn't mean it's the solution to the problem, but at least it's a step in seeking to figure the problems out, and that's saying something that your husband will go.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
(Jabez) It's important for you and H to discuss this at a time other than bedtime, away from D5. Explain your concern about S5 getting enough sleep and being alert in school to H. Ask how much sleep he thinks that S5 needs (nicely).
Well, we argued about it over the phone during the day. Does that count?! That conversation is the one where he told me "no way" to the 'in bed, eyes closed, ready to go to sleep by 9:30' proposal. H refers back to the fact that S5 gets a two hour nap at preschool. I keep telling him that nap won't be there in kindegarten. When H and I were kids, we went to kindegarten half days. It is full days in most places now and it definitely is a full day in our school district. I've asked a coworker whose child is in Norfolk public schools and she verified that there is definitely no nap in kindegarten. H says "I'll deal with that then". I said "No H, S5 will deal with it then. Because as you know (referring to his problem with sleep) sleeping patterns and habits aren't developed overnight." Sometimes it seems like he just wants S5 to be like him no matter what, even if the habit being mirrored is a bad one.
(Jabez) Also, you didn't mention what time S5 wakes up. Is he getting 8 hours of sleep?
On the weekends, I have to wake S5 up at 9am. That's something I started doing within the last 6 mos because he would sleep in too long. I didn't want him to compensate for his poor bedtime by sleeping in too late. If he needs to feel tired, well then so be it. That is, afterall, the consequence of going to bed too late. The sad thing is, that it's not his fault. During the week, I wake S5 up at about 6:30am. So it depends on what time he goes to sleep. In order to get a full 8 hours, he'd have to be sleeping by 10:30. Most nights, he is asleep or close to it by 10:30. However, according to articles I've read, 5 year olds need 10-12.5 hours of sleep per night. Children need more sleep than adults. H likes to factor in the 2 hour naptime into that, but the article is specific that nighttime sleep needs to be 10-12.5 hours and then naps can be 0-2 hours.
(NYS) Heather, thanks for having me realize it's really H's bedtime programming that needs rewiring.
Usually I am reluctant to say that a situation is entirely H's fault. I'm not reluctant to say that here. This is his fault. He tells me not to blame him. I told him I blame him because he's to blame. When he's not here, this house is asleep by 10pm. S5 is in bed ready to sleep at 9:30. If it were just me, I'd make it 9pm, but I know there's no sense trying to implement that when H is gone because he'll change it back as soon as he gets home. Plus, he makes sure to call S5 to say goodnight at a little after 9pm, so he would find out immediately if I was putting him to bed earlier and it would become an issue right away. But when he's gone, I do the best I can and S5 doesn't have any problems with it.
(NYS) Counselors are to be impartial. The deal is to see if that habit is destructive or not. But counselors vary.
H said he doesn't want a male counselor. I asked why and he said because it is difficult for him to tell his problems to a guy. Probably because it would be hard for him to swallow if a guy told him something he didn't want to hear. If a woman says it, he can just say she's crazy and has no idea how men work. But if I expect him to go and give him the courtesy of being comfortable, what choice do I have but to reschedule with a woman? All I know is man or woman, this counselor has their work cut out with my H. I'm willing to bet he'll be one of the most difficult people they have worked with. Or maybe he'll just stop going before they get to see that side of him. I'm not doing a very good 'as if' am I? I'll change my tune before our first session I promise.
(NYS) Yeah, rewrite his resume.
I know that was a joke, but does that mean you don't think it's a good idea to work at the same place either? If things were good between us, it would be ideal. It would mean more money, no travel and convenient commute for both of us to where we were thinking about building. I am really torn on this. I have to decide by tomorrow. I"m stuck on 'why should I do this for him? why should I act as if everything is wonderful so that I can come home and still be banned from my own bedroom?'. On the other hand, how do I expect things to get better if I can't take one step at a time. A couple people have reminded me that baby steps aren't always the steps I want the most but that doesn't mean that they aren't really good steps in the right direction. This bedtime thing is getting in the way of some really good progress. H likes to make his changes over time. He doesn't like to be told what to do. I've noticed little changes in the bedtime routine since we've been arguing about it. But he still says 'no way' to a 9:30am bedtime. No amount of compromise will matter because I will never agree to a 10pm bedtime for a 5 year old. No matter how you slice it, it just isn't reasonable.
Any advice on the job thing would be appreciated. I'm pretty torn about it. We wouldn't have to see each other much. He'd be on the projects side and I'm indirect finance. But if he gets assigned to the MSMO program, I would have to see him at meetings, he'd have interaction with my staff, etc. But there's no guarantees he'd get assigned to that, so I could potentially only have to see him at company functions like x-mas parties, etc. Right now, it seems like I'm supposed to be focused on saving my marriage, but by not turning over his resume, what I'm actually doing is assuming the worst. Help!
(NYS) Those are just dreams. That's a fantasy, as you know what the reality is. That's the romantic in you. Not saying there's no room for romance, just saying get your head out of that cloudy place. It's a "What if angels danced on pinheads" sort of thing. Dancing, big house, et al, are all adjuncts to the base relationship.
The sad thing is, we are there. This does not have to be a fantasy. I just got a 12% raise and didn't even really need it. That's huge. I want a big house and another baby. This could be our reality. It just isn't and it sucks!!
That is a good idea about printing a thread. I will wait though and see how it goes like you said. I don't want to bias her. I really want this person to be neutral and draw her own conclusions about H (and myself). I need to hear advice from someone who's met both of us and who is impartial.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
Quote: If things were good between us, it would be ideal. It would mean more money, no travel and convenient commute for both of us to where we were thinking about building. I am really torn on this. I have to decide by tomorrow. I"m stuck on 'why should I do this for him? why should I act as if everything is wonderful so that I can come home and still be banned from my own bedroom?'. On the other hand, how do I expect things to get better if I can't take one step at a time.
If this doesn't have to be decided right now...sleep on it a bit. I don't know if you follow my thread at all. But 2mos ago I had wanted Dave to work in the dart store...I had this vision that working together would bring us together, spend time together, blah blah and then life would be good again. Well 2mos later he is working there. We have not reconciled and it's been hell having him there and we don't even work together. We're just in the same building separate by a door (thank goodness) I don't know how strong you are, I'm okay, but I still get sick at the mere sight of him or his voice these days. He's gone out of his way to try and make me miserable and I am the one who got him the job there...sleep on it a bit...think it through...
This is going to have to be one hell of a counselor. I'm realizing that this is our last hope and I'm almost at the point where I think it's hopeless.
H also drinks every single night now. O'Douls, not regular beer, but he still can't see how it's an addiction. I told him that nobody drinks 6 sodas in a row for crying out loud, one right after the other. He says he's not hurting anyone.
Why does everything in this relationship have to be such a battle? Is it just because I don't love this person? I don't feel that connection with him that makes one able to tolerate another's idiosyncracies? My H claims that I will always think of something to be unhappy about. It's just not there. I'm so frustrated I don't know what to do with myself.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
This is going to have to be one hell of a counselor. I'm realizing that this is our last hope and I'm almost at the point where I think it's hopeless. . . Is it just because I don't love this person?
Heather,
Maybe you need to take a step back and look at your sitch again. Some questions of my own.
Do you love H?
Why do you want to stay in this R?
Can you find anything to be happy about?
Can you find anything in your R/M to be happy about?
Can you find anything about H to be happy about?
Some questions I found in a book.
Do you really want to save your M or are you ultimately concerned and fearful of the financial drain of a D and the need to alter your lifestyle?
Do you need H rather than love him?
Do you believe you should stay to protect S5 & D2?
Do you need to protect H?
Do you live in the fear that if you talk about leaving you will face danger? Are you afraid of what H might do? Are you fearful of his anger and hostility and dare not confront him?
Is your self-esteem battered to the degree that you believe you cannot function independently?
Do you feel locked into a role of assuming responsibility and stability?
Have you through the constant habit of vigilantly watching him; attempting to predict the eruptions and moderate the tension, lost sight of your self?
Does a part of you like this excitement?
Have you learned to tolerate and put up with a great deal of stress, unpredictability and capriciousness from your spouse?
Are you immune to the ante being raised each time?
I'm not saying stay and I'm not saying go. This is your decision and yours alone. These are some questions that we may need to ask ourselves in order to justify to ourselves whether we want to keep working to resuscitate our R's.
I second that emotion! Great stuff. I am going to re-read those questions because I think I can answer some of them...well, actually, I am going to copy and paste them into my thread and answer them as part of my journaling. Really helpful. Thank you.
Quote: I second that emotion! Great stuff. I am going to re-read those questions because I think I can answer some of them...well, actually, I am going to copy and paste them into my thread and answer them as part of my journaling. Really helpful. Thank you.
TMU
Excellent idea...I think everyone could benefit from doing that...
