Learning to Trust Myself V

[heatherg]

(Jabez) It's important for you and H to discuss this at a time other than bedtime, away from D5. Explain your concern about S5 getting enough sleep and being alert in school to H. Ask how much sleep he thinks that S5 needs (nicely).

Well, we argued about it over the phone during the day. Does that count?! That conversation is the one where he told me "no way" to the 'in bed, eyes closed, ready to go to sleep by 9:30' proposal.
H refers back to the fact that S5 gets a two hour nap at preschool. I keep telling him that nap won't be there in kindegarten. When H and I were kids, we went to kindegarten half days. It is full days in most places now and it definitely is a full day in our school district. I've asked a coworker whose child is in Norfolk public schools and she verified that there is definitely no nap in kindegarten. H says "I'll deal with that then". I said "No H, S5 will deal with it then. Because as you know (referring to his problem with sleep) sleeping patterns and habits aren't developed overnight." Sometimes it seems like he just wants S5 to be like him no matter what, even if the habit being mirrored is a bad one.

(Jabez) Also, you didn't mention what time S5 wakes up. Is he getting 8 hours of sleep?

On the weekends, I have to wake S5 up at 9am. That's something I started doing within the last 6 mos because he would sleep in too long. I didn't want him to compensate for his poor bedtime by sleeping in too late. If he needs to feel tired, well then so be it. That is, afterall, the consequence of going to bed too late. The sad thing is, that it's not his fault. During the week, I wake S5 up at about 6:30am. So it depends on what time he goes to sleep. In order to get a full 8 hours, he'd have to be sleeping by 10:30. Most nights, he is asleep or close to it by 10:30. However, according to articles I've read, 5 year olds need 10-12.5 hours of sleep per night. Children need more sleep than adults. H likes to factor in the 2 hour naptime into that, but the article is specific that nighttime sleep needs to be 10-12.5 hours and then naps can be 0-2 hours.

(NYS) Heather, thanks for having me realize it's really H's bedtime programming that needs rewiring.


Usually I am reluctant to say that a situation is entirely H's fault. I'm not reluctant to say that here. This is his fault. He tells me not to blame him. I told him I blame him because he's to blame. When he's not here, this house is asleep by 10pm. S5 is in bed ready to sleep at 9:30. If it were just me, I'd make it 9pm, but I know there's no sense trying to implement that when H is gone because he'll change it back as soon as he gets home. Plus, he makes sure to call S5 to say goodnight at a little after 9pm, so he would find out immediately if I was putting him to bed earlier and it would become an issue right away. But when he's gone, I do the best I can and S5 doesn't have any problems with it.

(NYS) Counselors are to be impartial. The deal is to see if that habit is destructive or not. But counselors vary.

H said he doesn't want a male counselor. I asked why and he said because it is difficult for him to tell his problems to a guy. Probably because it would be hard for him to swallow if a guy told him something he didn't want to hear. If a woman says it, he can just say she's crazy and has no idea how men work. But if I expect him to go and give him the courtesy of being comfortable, what choice do I have but to reschedule with a woman? All I know is man or woman, this counselor has their work cut out with my H. I'm willing to bet he'll be one of the most difficult people they have worked with. Or maybe he'll just stop going before they get to see that side of him. I'm not doing a very good 'as if' am I? I'll change my tune before our first session I promise.

(NYS) Yeah, rewrite his resume.

I know that was a joke, but does that mean you don't think it's a good idea to work at the same place either? If things were good between us, it would be ideal. It would mean more money, no travel and convenient commute for both of us to where we were thinking about building. I am really torn on this. I have to decide by tomorrow. I"m stuck on 'why should I do this for him? why should I act as if everything is wonderful so that I can come home and still be banned from my own bedroom?'. On the other hand, how do I expect things to get better if I can't take one step at a time. A couple people have reminded me that baby steps aren't always the steps I want the most but that doesn't mean that they aren't really good steps in the right direction. This bedtime thing is getting in the way of some really good progress. H likes to make his changes over time. He doesn't like to be told what to do. I've noticed little changes in the bedtime routine since we've been arguing about it. But he still says 'no way' to a 9:30am bedtime. No amount of compromise will matter because I will never agree to a 10pm bedtime for a 5 year old. No matter how you slice it, it just isn't reasonable.

Any advice on the job thing would be appreciated. I'm pretty torn about it. We wouldn't have to see each other much. He'd be on the projects side and I'm indirect finance. But if he gets assigned to the MSMO program, I would have to see him at meetings, he'd have interaction with my staff, etc. But there's no guarantees he'd get assigned to that, so I could potentially only have to see him at company functions like x-mas parties, etc. Right now, it seems like I'm supposed to be focused on saving my marriage, but by not turning over his resume, what I'm actually doing is assuming the worst. Help!

(NYS) Those are just dreams. That's a fantasy, as you know what the reality is. That's the romantic in you. Not saying there's no room for romance, just saying get your head out of that cloudy place. It's a "What if angels danced on pinheads" sort of thing. Dancing, big house, et al, are all adjuncts to the base relationship.

The sad thing is, we are there. This does not have to be a fantasy. I just got a 12% raise and didn't even really need it. That's huge. I want a big house and another baby. This could be our reality. It just isn't and it sucks!!

That is a good idea about printing a thread. I will wait though and see how it goes like you said. I don't want to bias her. I really want this person to be neutral and draw her own conclusions about H (and myself). I need to hear advice from someone who's met both of us and who is impartial.