Learning to Trust Myself V

[heatherg]

(TotallyMessedUp) All the deal making and such probably seems to the kid to be empty threats or gestures.

S5 would go to bed and go to sleep if we told him to. He is old enough to understand that temper tantrums are not tolerated and it wouldn't be a problem. It's H's refusal, not S5's refusal, to cooperate with a 9:30 bedtime that is the problem. Believe me, with kids I know things can be difficult. It's not always easy to keep things sane. Last night, we were in Sports Authority and the kids were being especially active while I was checking out and I asked the lady if she had kids. She said no. I said "I didn't think so, I can tell by the way you're looking at me!!" I can handle the kids, but I need some help with H

(NY) Maybe a compromise is, want to play a game at ten minutes till bedtime? H says there's time? "Fine. But at 9 sharp, you'd best have your pjs on, have brushed your teeth, go pottied, and be in bed - and H, you make sure he is, and please, no excuses. I want a responsible parent here, and you're the parent, not S."


I would love to able to say something like that to H. He'd see it as confrontational and condescending and wouldn't pay me any attention accept to tell me I'm crazy.
Your example is sort of what I tried to implement last night, except the game went on until 9:25. Part of the problem with the game (and a perfect example of how H drags it all out), I won the game. So, then S5 asked if we could play to see who comes in second. I said no, H said yes. They continued to play. But yet I'm the one who won't compromise in his eyes. He just doesn't get it and I doubt if he ever will.

(NY) S might benefit from being de-programmed in all the steps needed to train him to go to sleep (beyond the potty and brushing teeth habits constructive habits, of course). And certainly, the last thing you want to do is stimulate with him by permitting games being played, instead it's a time for him to wind down.

Like I said above, S5 would be okay with this. Especially if we cut things out little by little. It's H who is saying "NO WAY" to a 9:30 bedtime. I'm not even that averse to the routine, it's just that if it's going to be that extensive, then we need to start way earlier. H won't hear of it. 9:15 is when he starts getting ready for bed and he won't entertain any other time (unless it's later). So that routine I posted above won't ever get started before 9:15. And even that, H hinges on that D2 MUST be in bed at exactly 8:30 for the 9:15 time to hold for S5. D2 rarely gets to bed at EXACTLY 8:30 because we are usually out doing family stuff and are just getting home. But as soon as we get home, I put her to bed. H asserts that if we get home late, then everything gets pushed back for S5.

(NY) Have you guys started the counseling sessions yet?

I want us each to have an individual session first and mine is Wed Jan 18. I am telling H it was the counselor's recommendation to have an individual session first to get acquainted with each of us. So, joint sessions will be happening soon. I really hope he can help. I purposely scheduled with a man so that H will be less able to tell me, like with porn, that all guys do it. Because there will be a guy in the room to disagree. Hopefully our counselor isn't a fan of porn

Lastly, people here at work have been asking about my H and if he'd like to come to work here b/c we have a ton of work coming up and they all know H travels and I don't like it. H is not in this exact industry, but he has some applicable experience and they'd probably hire him. He sent me his resume to turn over. However, now I'm getting cold feet. My place of work is my haven, my refuge from him and all our M problems. I can't imagine working in the same company if we divorced. I keep wanting to move forward with all these big dreams, things that would be great if WE were great. But we're not and I have to stop kidding myself. We talk about him coming to work here and us building a house over here and we're taking dance lessons and....it's so easy to get caught up in it. And then it comes time for bed and my dreams all of a sudden fall to pieces. Until morning. Then I can pretend again.
Ugh.