H has not slept in my bed again since the night I wrote about. The next night it was just like all previous nights with him going to bed in our room and me sleeping in the study.
The part that makes it so hurtful is that on the night that he slept in my bed, we had a big discussion on how I felt about having a sexual relationship with him sleeping in a different bed. When he came into my bed that night, I thought we had reached an understanding. So, when he hit on me, I responded. We had sex. Too much, too soon. I see now that it was a mistake. I also see now that I absolutely cannot trust him.
I feel like he tricked me to get what he wanted. He doesn't buy that because he didn't initiate the sexual part, I did. But he invited it to such a great extent that to not initiate would have been a rejection if that makes sense.
The ups and downs of this are getting really old. Maybe I am blaming him for my mistake. I am the one that dismissed my boundary for the evening. But it was under false pretenses. Had I known he wasn't planning on sleeping with me from that point on, I would not have done it. I should have waited. I know it's not the end of the world, it was only one time and my boundary is back in place. But it left me once again asking myself what the hell I'm hanging on for.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
