Learning to Trust Myself V

[heatherg]

I keep thinking that I'm going to post 'when things settle down a bit'....of course that never seems to happen. I'm beginning to realize that this is going to be the pace for the new year! Yikes.

(StrongNSassy)I think this is the hard part of reconciling and working things through, thus why some people avoid it and move forward.

Yes, avoiding seems to be a popular thing. On one hand, my H is moving at a snail's pace that seems ridiculous to me. On the other hand, other people forgive and reconcile so quickly it makes me wonder if there won't be problems down the road after the immediate joy of reconciling wears off. Admitting that one has been hurt makes them vulnerable....natural defenses seem to be to defend when you've been hurt (by putting up walls, etc), so intentionally making oneself vulnerable goes against instinct and is VERY hard. That's my observation of myself and my situation. I've spent lots of time being angry with H because it was easier than being hurt.

(StrongNSassy)You need your boundaries...how do you feel about them now?

I feel that this is my way of taking things slowly and being able to exert some control over the direction of my development and my life. My H is really in the drivers seat when it comes to reconciliation. But I've learned that by enforcing my boundaries based on what feels right and wrong to me, I can help steer the reconciliation process.

(Still_Hopeful)just focus on the positives right now, because they are certainly there. Sometimes when we see positive changes, we want to up the anty.

Yes, it's hard to be patient. It's hard not to let my ego get in the way. What kind of person is as grateful as me b/c my H chose to sleep in the same bed as me one night out of like 450 nights? A very pathetic one. I know I am hard on myself, but I am stronger than this and I hate it that I've put myself in a situation where I have to be at the mercy of someone else. My self respect hangs in the balance a lot of days. Other days, I'm ok. Patience is something that does not come easy to me!! But alas, I am working on it.

(Still_Hopeful)he main thing for you right now is to first end the abusive cycle of the R

I've found that I am hyper-sensitive to anything that might indicate that the abusive interactions are returning. The other day H was in a bad mood, treating the kids just fine, but treating me poorly. He tries to play it off as though I am not respectful of his mood. I told him he wasn't treating anyone else in the house poorly. He asked "You WANT me to treat the kids poorly?!" I said of course not, I don't want you to treat anyone poorly. My point was only that if you can discern who you will treat poorly and who you won't, you are making a decision. You can therefore make a decision to be fair to everyone and do what you need to do to make yourself feel better without taking your bad mood out on ANYbody. I made the comment "I'm NOT doing this." He accused me of being ready to jump to divorce over a bad mood. I recognize that I am hyper sensitive to these things and comments like that only increase H's insecurity about my level of commitment. But I meant it. I'm NOT doing that again. So, I don't regret saying it. This R will be conducted in an environment of respect or else I do want a D. But maybe I should still try to keep such comments to myself.

(Still_Hopeful) Ya know, you can call the Divorce Busting line and they will recommend a therapist in your area.

No, I didn't know that. That's a great idea.

(Jabez)Congratulations on the positives! I'd second the advice already given and say to take it slow and easy so that there is no retreating back over the steps forward.

Thanks! It always seems that with every step forward there are two steps back. Taking things very slowly would probably help with this. I guess as long as we're always remaining one step ahead, then we're still making progress. It's easier to focus on the two steps that just got reversed than it is to be thankful for the one step forward that remained. It's not in my nature to focus on what I've got. I'm competitive and goal oriented and always want to be at the next level. Doesn't always work that way, huh?