Thank you so much for the birthday wishes! Considering everything, I had a really nice day. H went out of his way to make sure that the kids repeatedly recognized my birthday and they got me presents. We went out to dinner, plus H called to see if I wanted to meet him for lunch that day. It was all very thoughtful and very nice.
Last night H carried me to bed. I was hoping he would carry me to our bed, but he didn't. As H tucked me in, I asked him to lay down with me. I told him that I had a crazy hope that he would suggest that we should start the new year by sharing a bed. No dice. We got into a discussion that wasn't too pleasant. Then today I initiated a conversation that I probably shouldn't have. Sometimes I wonder if I sabotage my own efforts. I asked him if he still had those porn pictures on his laptop. He said no. I asked him if they were still on his memory stick. He said no. I asked when he deleted them. He said "forever ago". Well, I know he deleted them from his laptop quite some time ago, but I know they are still on his memory stick. He lied to me. So, I asked, are you sure you deleted them? He said yes. I said would you mind if we take a look when we get home? He said "Sure". Then he asked "What does it matter?" Well, that comment pissed me off and I foolishly gave him the reason he was looking for to back down on looking at his memory stick. I said "Well, to me, it would sort of be like me hanging on to Dave's T-shirt (Dave is OM). That pissed him off. I told him that he has been in complete denial about how his actions have contributed to the downfall of our R and how this pornography thing has affected my R with him and my self esteem. He said "You don't have problems with your self esteem." I said "Well, you would know right?" He said "If anything it goes the other way....you know what? Forget it. You're not looking at anything when we get home. When you were being reasonable I was willing to let you look, but not when you're acting like this." I told him I knew he was lying, that I knew the pictures were on there, that I wouldn't have asked if I didn't already know the answer to the question. I told him he failed and asked how the he!! I am supposed to believe that he wants to work things out with me if he is still lying about his extra curricular activities?? maybe I am a romantic, but I always thought that a man's wife was supposed to be the most beautiful woman in the world to him. He said "One of, but not the only."
Yep, I think that is pretty much where we left it. I am so hurt that he would say something like that. Am I being unrealistic to think that about a man and his wife??? Isn't that love? I know everyone fantasizes, don't get me wrong. But you know what? My H is my favorite main character in mine. There have been others. But not many and it doesn't do as much for me as when he is the star. Porn should be a fill in. If I'm gone or travelling or whatever. And then it should be whatever, something spur of the moment, a random porn flick or whatever comes up on the screen in the first couple of searches. Not saved favorites or specific people or specific genres. That's messed up and I can't get past it. I don't want to get past it because I deserve to have a H who wants me first.
Guys, I hate it that our few really good days were ruined by a conversation that I initiated. Maybe these things are better off discussed in counseling, not when it's just the two of us. Stupidly, I plan to continue the discussion tonight. I want to tell him that I don't want to be the ONLY beautiful girl in the world....that I just want to be HIS preference, the most beautiful girl to HIM. If he cannot say that I am, I don't know what the hell I'm gonna do.
Somebody PUH-LEASE call me out if I'm being unrealistic.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
