I hope everyone had a very merry X-mas. With New Years right around the corner, this is such a symbolic time.
H and I had a nice holiday. He helped the kids pick out a really great gift for me that I cried when I opened....it was very special. And from him, ballroom dancing lessons! How cool is that? We might not be sleeping in the same bed, but dammit, we're gonna be able to dance! Jokes aside, I have mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, this is a very positive step for H. He actually scheduled time for us, without the kids. His mother watches the kids so we can go. Couple time is something that he's been really oblivious about, so this is special. On the other hand, it's like, well, I think you get it from the dry humor above. It's like a totally inadequate band aid. My H won't sleep with me, but he wants to learn how to swing with me. HUH?
I have a counseling session on Jan 3 and I am going to ask my counselor for a recommendation on a good marriage counselor. And I'd like to suggest to that counselor and to H that we each have an individual session with that counselor before we have our first joint session. That way, we can get some of the tougher issues out on the table with the counselor without having to worry about the other party's feelings.
My sister is retiring from the air force on Feb 10. I think I am going to surprise her by flying out to Utah for a long weekend so that I can be there for her ceremony. We were all supposed to go, but because she will be starting a new job she can't really take any vacation to spend time with us, so it just makes sense for us to wait until summertime for the whole family to go. In the meantime, it will mean a ton to her if I can be there. I think I won't tell her. I'll just let her H make arrangements to get me picked up from the airport and it will be a huge surprise to her. This trip will likely be an issue between H and I.
H is having his tonsils out as the first step in solving his snoring/sleep disorder. The doctor seems confident that will help a lot. Although, I loved the suggestion that his problem is actually "kickedmywifeoutofthebedroom itis".
My attitude sways between positive and negative. I have to make sure that I have methods to help me cope with the negative. I need to get back to karate, but with the dance lessons now, that will be even tougher to manage. Plus the kids start in ice skating every Tuesday night at the end of January. Even if I only go once or twice a week though, I just need to get back. I have to remind myself often that my mood should not depend soley on H and how we are 'getting along'. These are interesting times to say the least.
Been celibate for 3 months now. It hasn't been brought up. He's made small advances which I've ignored. He said he never treated me like a street whore. I was silent. That's about the extent to which we've addressed that issue, but I'm not sure what more there is to address. I've told him I'm not comfortable with it. But I'm also not comfortable going a year without sex. Oh, but hey, did I mention we're learning how to dance?!!@?
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
Happy Birthday! I know it's hard to ignore the big issue (no bedroom) but try to keep the positive attitude going. It seems he's trying, and typical to many relationships, he's not trying in the way you need the most - but trying at all is progress!
It is going to be a great year. I find women ride years in waves... one terrible one followed by a wonderful one.
With all the work you've done, you've earned it and my birthday wish for you is peace in your home and in your heart!
By the way... the ballroom dancing lessons may prove to be exactly what you guys need. Rob surprised me with them before our wedding, and once we got over our self-consciousness, it's actually an emotional and intimate activity.
Today is my birthday. 31. Holy cow. I think that's all I have to say!
Dang am I late to the party! So Happy belated Birthday, Heather, and Happy New Year! I suggest kicking things off by jumping into the Atlantic. Or at least dipping a toe.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
Thank you so much for the birthday wishes! Considering everything, I had a really nice day. H went out of his way to make sure that the kids repeatedly recognized my birthday and they got me presents. We went out to dinner, plus H called to see if I wanted to meet him for lunch that day. It was all very thoughtful and very nice.
Last night H carried me to bed. I was hoping he would carry me to our bed, but he didn't. As H tucked me in, I asked him to lay down with me. I told him that I had a crazy hope that he would suggest that we should start the new year by sharing a bed. No dice. We got into a discussion that wasn't too pleasant. Then today I initiated a conversation that I probably shouldn't have. Sometimes I wonder if I sabotage my own efforts. I asked him if he still had those porn pictures on his laptop. He said no. I asked him if they were still on his memory stick. He said no. I asked when he deleted them. He said "forever ago". Well, I know he deleted them from his laptop quite some time ago, but I know they are still on his memory stick. He lied to me. So, I asked, are you sure you deleted them? He said yes. I said would you mind if we take a look when we get home? He said "Sure". Then he asked "What does it matter?" Well, that comment pissed me off and I foolishly gave him the reason he was looking for to back down on looking at his memory stick. I said "Well, to me, it would sort of be like me hanging on to Dave's T-shirt (Dave is OM). That pissed him off. I told him that he has been in complete denial about how his actions have contributed to the downfall of our R and how this pornography thing has affected my R with him and my self esteem. He said "You don't have problems with your self esteem." I said "Well, you would know right?" He said "If anything it goes the other way....you know what? Forget it. You're not looking at anything when we get home. When you were being reasonable I was willing to let you look, but not when you're acting like this." I told him I knew he was lying, that I knew the pictures were on there, that I wouldn't have asked if I didn't already know the answer to the question. I told him he failed and asked how the he!! I am supposed to believe that he wants to work things out with me if he is still lying about his extra curricular activities?? maybe I am a romantic, but I always thought that a man's wife was supposed to be the most beautiful woman in the world to him. He said "One of, but not the only."
Yep, I think that is pretty much where we left it. I am so hurt that he would say something like that. Am I being unrealistic to think that about a man and his wife??? Isn't that love? I know everyone fantasizes, don't get me wrong. But you know what? My H is my favorite main character in mine. There have been others. But not many and it doesn't do as much for me as when he is the star. Porn should be a fill in. If I'm gone or travelling or whatever. And then it should be whatever, something spur of the moment, a random porn flick or whatever comes up on the screen in the first couple of searches. Not saved favorites or specific people or specific genres. That's messed up and I can't get past it. I don't want to get past it because I deserve to have a H who wants me first.
Guys, I hate it that our few really good days were ruined by a conversation that I initiated. Maybe these things are better off discussed in counseling, not when it's just the two of us. Stupidly, I plan to continue the discussion tonight. I want to tell him that I don't want to be the ONLY beautiful girl in the world....that I just want to be HIS preference, the most beautiful girl to HIM. If he cannot say that I am, I don't know what the hell I'm gonna do.
Somebody PUH-LEASE call me out if I'm being unrealistic.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
