Learning to Trust Myself V

[heatherg]

I hope everyone had a very merry X-mas. With New Years right around the corner, this is such a symbolic time.

H and I had a nice holiday. He helped the kids pick out a really great gift for me that I cried when I opened....it was very special. And from him, ballroom dancing lessons! How cool is that? We might not be sleeping in the same bed, but dammit, we're gonna be able to dance! Jokes aside, I have mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, this is a very positive step for H. He actually scheduled time for us, without the kids. His mother watches the kids so we can go. Couple time is something that he's been really oblivious about, so this is special. On the other hand, it's like, well, I think you get it from the dry humor above. It's like a totally inadequate band aid. My H won't sleep with me, but he wants to learn how to swing with me. HUH?

I have a counseling session on Jan 3 and I am going to ask my counselor for a recommendation on a good marriage counselor. And I'd like to suggest to that counselor and to H that we each have an individual session with that counselor before we have our first joint session. That way, we can get some of the tougher issues out on the table with the counselor without having to worry about the other party's feelings.

My sister is retiring from the air force on Feb 10. I think I am going to surprise her by flying out to Utah for a long weekend so that I can be there for her ceremony. We were all supposed to go, but because she will be starting a new job she can't really take any vacation to spend time with us, so it just makes sense for us to wait until summertime for the whole family to go. In the meantime, it will mean a ton to her if I can be there. I think I won't tell her. I'll just let her H make arrangements to get me picked up from the airport and it will be a huge surprise to her. This trip will likely be an issue between H and I.

H is having his tonsils out as the first step in solving his snoring/sleep disorder. The doctor seems confident that will help a lot. Although, I loved the suggestion that his problem is actually "kickedmywifeoutofthebedroom itis".

My attitude sways between positive and negative. I have to make sure that I have methods to help me cope with the negative. I need to get back to karate, but with the dance lessons now, that will be even tougher to manage. Plus the kids start in ice skating every Tuesday night at the end of January. Even if I only go once or twice a week though, I just need to get back. I have to remind myself often that my mood should not depend soley on H and how we are 'getting along'. These are interesting times to say the least.

Been celibate for 3 months now. It hasn't been brought up. He's made small advances which I've ignored. He said he never treated me like a street whore. I was silent. That's about the extent to which we've addressed that issue, but I'm not sure what more there is to address. I've told him I'm not comfortable with it. But I'm also not comfortable going a year without sex. Oh, but hey, did I mention we're learning how to dance?!!@?