OPs very often are the opposite of the LBS in many ways. It's the seeking of something different by the WAS that accounts for that. It also shows that who and what the OP is, is of no matter, because one WAS's OP is different than the other WAS's, just based on what kind of person they're seeking the opposite of.
Oh well, screw OW, I can honestly say I would be surprised if it lasted (I know, famous last words). Last weekend we went out for a beer together, and I told him that no matter where "we" ended up, he would always have a large part of my heart, and that I did respect him and his decisions. He told me that he could never love like he loved me, and we agreed that the idea of spending our lives apart was impossible to comprehend, it all seems so crazy. Oh and he asked that I not share any details of my personal life, he's not ready for ME to have any special "friends." On the walk to the car, I grabbed him and kissed him (he always said I never took initiative), he kissed back and held my hand in the car. Did he still go meet up with her for a two hour hook up later? of course! How can they be so duplicitious? it makes me sick. Think I am just having a hard day today.
Oh, and see, the thing is, too, that I absolutely know he loves me, I can tell. I have had this crazy sense of things ever since this started, that is why I think I have to forget about the OW and act as if I am friendly and flirty, but as if I am moving on, I think. Don't sound to sure of myself, do I?
Here's my latest developments, I just need to write it out, sometimes it is so helpful to just post your thoughts and re-read, then I can think "what is she doing?"
Anyway, Thursday before NYE, I was working an event for work in the evening, H had been texting small talk all afternoon, after I didn't respond he called my cell and my house phone 8 times in two hours. I called him back when I got home, he assumed I was out with friends (kinda was)... Anyway, I told him my mom was taking the kids out of town for New Years, so there wasn't any reason for him to come around until Sunday night when they returned (he is working out of town and comes home on weekends to see kids, drink my coffee, enjoy my company and sneak out for visits with OW). He starts crying and telling me that he wants to see me, too, that he has been trying to break it off with OW for past week, she is no longer moving to his new town, he told her to stay where she is for a career opportunity. He asked if we could do something together on NYE, came over Friday afternoon, we had a wonderful weekend together, he did not leave to see her at all, ignored his phone... We decided we enjoyed each others company and being together, but did not want to label what we were doing (my words). Leaves Monday nite, calls me Tuesday and wants to come home to see me and boys just for night, OW didn't know he was in town...
Early Wed. morning, he left his phone out while in shower, I checked it, because I wanted to know if OW was still moving away with him, find out she has put her place up for rent, and likes to send him phone pix a wife doesn't need to see..
I confront husband, who is pissed I looked at phone, of course, and says she is insisting on moving to his town, and he doesn't know what he wants. This, after telling me he only thinks about his family when he's gone, and how we should all be together! He said he has a hard time imagining his life without OW. Then we decide to play hooky and hang out as family, have a passionate bedroom session, and don't really discuss the rest of day.
I know that in the past week there have been many different positives to make note of. It is really weird because he and I have become able to spend the weekends together as he a family, he has started doing little things like putting his hands on my hips, kissing me as he walks by, things that he used to do ALWAYS but has not done since he first left. I am jealous of other woman, but not. He kows that during the week I have a social life, and has somehow come under the impression that I have a new male friend (I didn't bother to clarify).
Anyway, is it wrong to be letting him essentialy have the best of both worlds? He has said he doesn't feel pressure from me when we are together, I really don't have any expectations, just hope and enjoying the moments as they are... It seems that two things work for him: my being his friend and showing I love him and listening, acting "as if" there is no OW, and he also responds when I cut contact back as much as possible (considering young children involved). Any htoughts or perspectives are much appreciated. I know this is a long and rambling post...
Oh, and this is funny, after i checked his phone and we had a talk at 5am, before he left for his 2 1/2 hour drive back to work, I called him and suggested we call in sick, I hated for him to leave with things dangling, and he says he feels like we need to make up. Make up? Yeah, that happens when you dump your co-ed s@k kitten and start stepping up! But, we did kinda make up, it is all so confusing, really, because I get something out of our time together, too, and obviously he does. He was freaking at teh thought of me even talking to other guys, even though he knows that is not fair. I'll be curious to see what he does tonite when i go out with girlfriends and no one is here for his bedtime call to the kids...
So here is my question: When your WAH is hanging around as much as possible, there is still intimacy and affection (we are avoiding R talk), yet he is still texting and calling OW, do you continue to act "as if" things are running smoothly? Or is it better to cut off affection and attention and listening and tell the WAH he can't have the best of both?
I have been doing the first option, it seems to be working, but part of me feels a little wrong about it. Is that where you do what works even if it doesn't feel right?
Well, I can tell you how it was for me. My H. moved out. For the next few months he did spend time with me; he would come by fairly often, we would have dinner at our house, we were intimate. I stopped bringing up the R. and the o.w. as much as possible, even when I knew he was still seeing her. Things between us did get better, and we were being friends (or so I thought). Long story and certainly not the same as yours. My point being that this seemed to be helping our situation for a while. I would say that the last resort technique, which is pretty much what you are describing as the second option, is strictly that--used as a last resort. So, if you've been separated for quite a while and nothing else is working, it might be something to try, if you feel ready to do that.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
I guess that is my dilemma, because if I choose to believe him, the OW is pressuing him, and if she is about to move away to be near him, she probably is expecting committment and if they were to live together, well lets just say my H knows nothing about balancing a checkbook... Anyway, my thought is to show him that I love him by being there, not pressuring, not expecting anything. But that doesn't exactly help me on my own personal front, where this approach seems to be kind of wishy washy. The truth is that I believe he is pretty freakin lucky that I still want him!
I agree with you---he is lucky that you still want him.
I'll tell you something...sometimes, I think my husband is not mature enough to recognize what real love (especially shown by DB'ing) is. I don't know what he thinks I am doing. Just trying to get by day to day? Stewing in anger? Contemplating revenge? I really don't know. We can do whatever possible to show them that we do love them and forgive them for this but they have to be adult enough to recognize that. Right now, I am not so sure my H. is. I really hope you have better luck than I have!
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
