I had to look up some references as to what sexual fullfillment is, it is not easy to describe. In it's simplest terms, it means "Want". It's not about sex, it is WHY you have sex. It is the difference between having sex and making love. As Dr. Smalley puts it, "meeting the need for sex can not be achieved unless you can also show an enthusiasim for it (this also applies to any other need). Mere willingness usually will NOT solve the issue. So I "Need" a wife that wants to ML to me, not just be willing to let me use her body. I "Need" a wife that understands that certain forms of EC can ONLY be created through physical touch.
My wifes #1 need, probably financial security. She grew up pathetically poor, and I think she saw me as potential for a secure lifestyle. Or she is a quality time person. She wants me around, just not too close. She wants me to take an interest in her activities. She also wants me to have more of my own interests. She wants us to be busy all the time, just as long as none of our activities involves physical touch between the two of us. To her, life is about what activites you do, it is not about being lovers.
As for the MC, I have been waiting until I could afford it, but I am becoming disillusioned with them as I see others on here going to MC's and they are NOT addressing the issue of desire, it's like they hope that if they fix everything else then maybe it will take care of itself, which seems to rarely happen. I want a plan.
What I see is that this process to restore the marriage is a two step process. Step 1 is for us HD men to make ourselves more attractive to our wives. Step 2 is for the women to restore her desire. The problem is that step #1 has virtually no impact on the possibility for success. It's only there to hopefully cause the women to actually undertake the process in step 2. Step 2 is where the solution actually resides. The worst part is that the man must NOT be invloved in step 2, the women must go this ALONE.
I have already spent the last ten years going down cheesless tunnels, so it is becomming harder and harder to try to complete step #1 when nobody can ever define how the women is going to complete step #2. That's why I started this thread. Let's assume that I am now MR. Wonderful, I meet the needs of my wife. Now I want step #2 completed, how do they do it? How does a ND women become HD by her actions?
Quote: ---------------------------------- how do they do it? How does a ND women become HD by her actions? ----------------------------------
1) Identification of issue(s). 2) Resolution of Issue(s).
Time and effort Cemar. No silver bullets.
MrsNOP's number one need is Financial Security. I make a very healthy six figure income, but there have been some very uncertain economic times in our life. We have been downright poor more than once. There are no guarantees for the future. Regardless, I have always provided for us.
Her definition of financial security is not how much we make, it is being able to pay our bills without concern. Living on a limited budget doesn't bother her, as long as the money to pay the bills is there.
Since financial support is your wife's top need. I would start addressing that first, and go from there.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Ok...What I asked you for is for YOUR defition of complete sexual fulfillment, I didn't want you to go look it up somewhere in a book...it really didn't take research, the answer for you should have been fairly easy. I wanted your off-the-cuff response because that's truly where your definition of it lays....not in a book.
I know, pretty much without a shadow of a doubt that your definition and her definition are not going to be the same. I suspect they will be nowhere near the same. Not to mention that when I read what you put in your response....I knew your W wouldn't have taken that as her definition.
Ok...you think your W's #1 need is probably financial security. I really don't want me to tell you what you "think" she'd say, I want you to tell me what she would/did say. "Thinking" still leads you down a blind path. Telling me "she's told me xyz" is a step towards communication...and gives you a stronger direction to move in.
It appears to me that you are wanting us to tell you the steps your W can take to make herself HD, if I understood you correctly. CeMar, we cannot do that. I know that's not the answer you want, but we simply cannot do that. For each person discovering (or rediscovering as the case may be) is an individual journey/process, it's different for each person. There isn't a progressive list of things for her to do to become what you want, if you are suddenly Mr. Perfect. However, this is something a good MC can help with. No, he/she probably can't tell her to do xyz....but they will give her things to think about, he/she will give assignments to help ease her into certain things she might not have thought of.
Do not become disillusioned with MC's if you haven't tried them yourself CeMar. I cannot impress on you enough how much ours has helped our M....in many ways. She has helped us in areas that had to be dealt with first before we could even think about addressing the sexual aspect of our R...and that is now what we are directing our sessions towards more and more.
Our MC doesn't address "desire" per-say because it's too general, but she does address "behaviors", your definition of want/desire would fall into a behavior, and THAT we have addressed. I have explained to my H and our MC that there are behaviors I need to see from my H to show me he "Wants/Desires" me....he is now starting to exhibit those behaviors more and more....and he is beginning to fall into that behavior naturally now as well....enjoying it more and more too.
I'm not going to snowball you, you probably know that about me by now. You and your W have issues, and you know your issues aren't all sexually related. There's much more going on for each of you and you two as a couple...but you don't share that with us....so we can't direct you any better than we have. I truly believe you two need MC in order to start finding your way back to each other and that will take time. Sometimes it's merely a matter of having the MC act as a mediator and make sure things aren't taken out of context to get someone to see the problem.....sometimes it takes longer because there are truly issues to address.
However, not trying something based upon things you've read on here...is foolish. You might be discounting the one thing that could truly help you. That wouldn't be wise.
I agree with GEL. CeMar, I don't know if it's what you're really asking, but what's coming across is that you're looking for some surefire step-by-step list of actions guaranteed to make your W into the HDW of your dreams. Well guess what – there ain’t no such animal.
Also, for the sake of this argument, you’ve asked us to stipulate that you’re the perfect husband. That makes me even more suspicious. You say that you’re the perfect husband (and we’re going along with that). You say that you recognize that M is a partnership and that you’re already aware that you can’t change her (something with which we’re all in agreement). Then you ask for a list of steps to make a woman change from ND/LD to HD. Now I may have a suspicious nature, but I can’t help but wonder why you want such a recipe for HD. We’re stipulating that you’re perfect… You’re acknowledging that you can’t change her… So why the list? It won’t do you any good. If such a thing even existed, it would only be of value to her. And even then, only if she wanted to make this transformation in herself. I only see this list of steps as something for you to throw in her face and say, “Here. Fix yourself.”
Please tell me I’m wrong. Tell me how this mythical set of instructions is going to help you and your sitch.
