Hey hope- Sorry i missed your post when i posted earlier.
RE: lowering my expectations: i figure this is really a small change that i can make that will help me to feel better. Since i can't control what my H is doing, i might as control what i am doing. If i expect my H to call every day, and he doesn't, i feel like crap.
I am definitely glad the holidays are over. And i do feel like this limbo that we are in feels stark and lonely. Some days are worse than others. I think last week i was just so emotional b/c all i had was time on my hands to think all kinds of thoughts. Plus, i kept wondering what he got ow and if he was with her...you know the drill. And at times i wonder if/when he is going to drop the final bomb. But, you know what...i know that i will be okay. Will it suck? Oh yes, like nothing i have ever experienced before. But, i know, with all my heart, that i have done everything i could to save my M. Did i make mistakes? Sure, but don't we all? And regardless of what happens, i know i will survive (don't worry, i am not going to break out in song). We both will. B/c this whole thing has made us stronger. And i think we both know that we are valuable, beautiful, strong women who have so much to offer. And if our H's can't see that...well too bad for them. B/c i do believe that one day, when the shiny newness of the ow wears off, they will regret what they have done and wish they could come back.
I used to never doubt H. or the things I knew he would do for me. Now I have to change the way I think about him, and it’s nearly impossible some days.
When i am doubting my H...things he says and does now, and things he has said and done in the past...i try to remind myself that i don't know who this person is, b/c he is not the man that i married. I don't believe he could have faked it for 8 years. So, i try to remember that something has taken over him...his mind and his heart. Maybe one day, they will be relinquished. Maybe not. But, i have to believe that my H did love me, probably still does, and that having him in my life for the time that i did was a gift. Now, some days, when he pi$$e$ me off, that is hard to remember. But, when i think about the man that he was, i smile, b/c i know that he was a good person.
I don't know if any of this made sense, or even addressed what you were saying. It's just what i thought and i had to get it out.
I don't know if any of this made sense, or even addressed what you were saying. It's just what i thought and i had to get it out.
It all made perfect sense.
Now you can understand why GAL means so much because when you have time on your hands and you sit around, then of course your thoughts start drifting and focusing on him instead of you and what you could/should be doing. I know it's tough during the holidays and yes thank goodness they are over.
You are correct you will survive, one way or the other, because you already HAVE survived. My therapist asked me once what was my biggest fear in all this...and I said that I would lose him and our life together as I had known it...(something to that affect anyway, it's a blur now...) and she said well haven't you already lost him...isn't that now all the past. I thought about it and realized, of course she was right...and look I had survived my fear. That was one of the turning points for me in my path.
Now of course it is up to you where you go from here on this path of rediscovery of yourself. Never mind if he regrets this or that, or whether or not it's his loss...again that's putting focus on him. He doesn't deserve it right now...you do...continue to shine, grow and learn to love yourself again...continue to know that you are a truly wonderful person inside and out...
Hey Sassy- Thanks for your words of encouragement...they always mean a lot.
You are right. I realized the other day...i haven't slept in the same bed with my H in 13 months (give or take a few days when we were attempting to reconcile). And that was so hard in the beginning. It still sucks now, but its been so long i don't even remember what it felt like, well not really. My point is, the hardest part is over, b/c i have been without him for so long. By no means do i think that the road ahead is all rosy if we do D, but i have survived some of the toughest days and nights of my life...and i am still alive, pretty mentally stable, and still employed...all big plusses in my book! I still miss him, will all my heart...but i miss what was...him, our R...and that just isn't the reality anymore. B/c both of those things are long gone...the man i loved and our R. No way do i want back this selfish, angry man...And who's to say that if we did reconcile, i would be getting back those aspects that i want...i have no idea. Am i still open to the idea of reconciling...absolutely. But, there would need to be A LOT of work on both of our parts to make this M a success. What i have realized is that i can no longer make myself sick over this. I have been truly miserable for so long...and i am just so tired. I think i am detaching or whatever. But, that doesn't mean i am stopping loving him. Just that i know that i need to love myself more right now...b/c if i don't, noone will.
I wasn't sure where i should post this, so i decided just to make it part of my thread. Months ago, when i was frantically searching the internet for information on how to save my marriage, i came across another website. Periodically, i receive emails from the website. I got this one today and had to share this story. It brought tears to my eyes. And i certainly thought it was appropriate for so many of my friends here.
** In order for us to feel that our prayers have been answered, we expect to get a “Yes, here it is, exactly what you prayed for.” We are not prepared for a “Not Yet.” I can’t tell you how many times in my life, I have prayed for an immediate resolution to a problem I was having, and it wasn’t until years later that I realized getting a “Not Yet’ made me a better person and gave me a richer and more rewarding life. We usually don’t see the bigger picture at the time. Garth Brooks has a magnificent song called, “Unanswered Prayers.” In it, he describes how he ran into his high school flame at a hometown football game. He began thinking of his past and how, at that time, he prayed each night that God would make her love him. If he was granted this only wish, he would never ask for anything again. But then he tried to talk to her about the good old days and realized that she wasn’t what he remembered and they had little in common. That’s when he turned to his wife and realized how blessed he was. That’s when he sings the chorus of the song: "Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers. Remember when you’re talking to the man upstairs, just because he doesn't answer doesn't mean he doesn't care. Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers." Think of all the times you prayed for something to happen and you too got an answer, “Not Yet!” Here is a wonderful story that had a profound impact on me. It was sent to me by a wonderful subscriber named Frances. I have since tried to find the author but it seems that the author is unknown. The Story of the Tea Cup There was a couple who went to England to shop in a beautiful antique store. They both liked antiques and pottery, and especially tea cups. On a trip to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary they found an exceptional cup. They asked, "May we see that cup? We've never seen a tea cup quite so beautiful." As the lady handed it to them, suddenly the tea cup spoke, "You don't understand," the cup said, "I have not always been a tea cup. There was a time when I was just a lump of red clay. My master took me and rolled me, pounded and patted me over and over, and I yelled out, ‘Don't do that. I don't like it! Let me alone.’ But the potter only smiled, and gently said, "Not yet!!" Then, WHAM! I was placed on a spinning wheel and suddenly I was spun around and around and around. “Stop it! I'm getting so dizzy! I'm going to be sick!” I screamed. But the master only nodded and said, quietly, "Not yet." He spun me and poked and prodded and bent me out of shape to suit himself and then...Then he put me in the oven. I never felt such heat. I yelled and knocked and pounded at the door. “Help! Get me out of here!” I could see him through the opening and I could read his lips as he shook his head from side to side, "Not yet." When I thought I couldn't bear it another minute, the door opened. He carefully took me out and put me on the shelf, and I began to cool. Oh, that felt so good! Ah, this is much better, I thought. But, after I cooled, he picked me up and he brushed and painted me all over. The fumes were horrible. I thought I would gag. “Oh, please; Stop it, Stop it!!” I cried. He only shook his head and said. "Not yet!" Then suddenly he put me back in to the oven. Only it was not like the first one. This was twice as hot and I just knew I would suffocate. I begged. I pleaded. I screamed. I cried. I was convinced I would never make it. I was ready to give up. Just then the door opened and he took me out and again placed me on the shelf, where I cooled and waited... and waited, wondering what he is going to do to me next? An hour later he handed me a mirror and said, "Look at yourself," and I did. I said, “That's not me. That couldn't be me. It's beautiful... I'm beautiful!" Quietly he spoke: "I want you to remember this," he said, "I know it hurt to be rolled and patted, but had I left you alone, you'd have dried up. I know it made you dizzy to spin around on the wheel, but if I had stopped, you would have crumbled. I know it hurt and it was hot and disagreeable in the oven, but if I hadn't put you there, you would have cracked. I know the fumes were bad when I brushed and painted you all over, but if I hadn't done that, you never would have hardened. You would not have had any color in your life. If I hadn't put you back in that second oven, you wouldn't have survived for long because the hardness would not have held. Now you are a finished product. Now you are what I had in mind when I first began with you." The moral of this story is this: God knows what He's doing in each of us. He is the potter, and we are his clay. He will mold us and make us, and expose us to just enough pressures of just the right kinds that we may be made into a flawless piece of work to fulfill His good, pleasing and perfect will. So when life seems hard, and you are being pounded and patted and pushed almost beyond endurance; when your world seems to be spinning out of control; when you feel like you are in a fiery furnace of trials; when life seems to "stink", try this...Brew a cup of your favorite tea in your prettiest tea cup, sit down and think on this story and then...Have a little talk with the Potter. (The End) Pain forces us to grow as human beings. Pain is our greatest teacher. Regardless of where the pain comes from, there are always lessons to be learned. Physical pain alerts you to a problem in your body that needs attention. Emotional pain does the same thing. It tells you that there is a lesson that you need to learn so you can grow stronger. God knows what he is doing. He is the potter and we are his clay. It is through our pain that he will mold us, so that eventually we can become a flawless piece of work. **
The person who wrote this (and passed along the story of the tea cup) is Dr. Ellen (sorry, i don't remember her last name). But, i felt it was thought provoking and i wanted to share it. I hope you are able to take comfort in some of what she says...i did.
I am sobbing. That story hit me right through my heart. I needed to read it though, so thank you for sharing it. Tonight, I will get out one of my china teacups and think of you and all of us here.
I think of Sassy and how beautiful she is; she's been through her ovens and now she's a finished product (with a new MF!).
Imdi, even if they don't come back, you and me, we'll be all right. At least we'll have learned so much.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Quote: I think of Sassy and how beautiful she is; she's been through her ovens and now she's a finished product (with a new MF!).
Imdi, even if they don't come back, you and me, we'll be all right. At least we'll have learned so much.
Correction my dear, I am not a finished product...I am and always will be a work in progress...this weekend was beautiful...but it's all part of the growing process...of learning how to live, love and laugh once again...trust me this is one woman who while she wanted to, didn't think she had it in her to feel anything again or give anything again for that matter...you don't know how close I came to chickening out either...bawk, bawk...chicken dance anyone? But you know what, life and love are all about taking risks...and let's just say for what it's worth, it was well worth the risk...no regrets.
and you are so very right and for that you earned the Gold Star of the day...you will be allright, we will all be allright...we are survivors...and no matter what we will ALL be better people in the end. No matter what happens to us in this road of life...the fact that we even gave a you know what and found DB...that says so much about us as people...and don't anyone of you EVER EVER forget that.
I totally agree with you, because it took effort and searching on our parts to all meet here in this one place. That we were looking for a place like this says a lot about us and our values, and how much we love our WAS's.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Quote: I totally agree with you, because it took effort and searching on our parts to all meet here in this one place. That we were looking for a place like this says a lot about us and our values, and how much we love our WAS's.
Grasshopper is learning...the only thing I would change on this is....how much we love OURSELVES...make sense when you think about it? Gotta love yourself before you can truly love and give to someone else!!!
