Thank you everybody for your feedback. I do want to respond to everybody individually, as you have all given me a lot to think about. I will do so throughout the day...figure i have to do some work, since this is my first day back since before Christmas.
I am doing okay today. Here's hoping that 2006 is a better year for all of us.
Quote: Here's hoping that 2006 is a better year for all of us.
Amen!! Okay get all your thoughts together, grab that cup of coffee and come back and chat with us a bit...big hugs darling!! BTW...I got to meet HF this weekend!!! HEE HEE!!!
Hey brava- Thanks for your words. Gee, i'm an inspiration? Never would have thought of myself in that way, but thank you...means a lot.
I know you are right. I am trustworthy. And i know that my H is just throwing it in my face in order to justify his own behaviors. I just wish that the ow was out in the open...he admitted it...then, we would be on an even playing field. But, i don't think that is going to happen anytime soon. I just need to remind myself that i have been doing the honorable thing by being true to my M vows. And you are right...the trust thing is his issue. If he can't see, after 13 months, that he can trust me, he never will. Or maybe that he just doesn't want to trust me. Oh, it is so exhausting!
Thanks again for your feedback...you always give me a lot to think about...i'm glad i "met" you too!
PandDBing- Thank you for taking the time to respond to my sitch. I read what you wrote and i don't disagree with you. I know, in my heart and in my head, that i need to get out and start living my life. At times, though, i just feel paralyzed. I worry so much about what my H will think. I have tried to be the "good wife" staying home and showing my H that i can be trusted. Thing is, he doesn't even know b/c i doubt he checks where i am. I've been living my life as somebody's wife. But, has my H been doing the same? I don't think so. I just don't want to give him any more reason to leave me. But you're right...nothing i do is going to sway him one way or the other. And even if i do go out, its not like i am going out with another guy or to meet somebody. Its just so that i don't sit home anymore. I do try. Its hard to do. But, i do think i am going to go to a movie one day soon...i want to see Brokeback Mtn.
Okay, that post was all over the place. I am so scattered today. Thanks again for your thoughts.
Spitfire- Thank you so much. None of what you wrote sounded mean. I actually had to laugh at the "don't buy this crap anymore." Everybody tells me pretty much the same thing. I guess i just don't want to believe that my H could be so manipulative. But there is a part of me that knows that to be true. Good analogy with peter, peter pumpkin eater. Gee, funny how it all comes back around to preschool...who would have guessed! I know that i have to take back control of my life. I am just paralyzed. I am afraid that anything i do will just send him farther away from me. Thing is, really, what more do i have to lose? I haven't lived with him in 13 months. He hasn't been my everyday companion for that long. And yet, i have managed to get up every day, go to work, and actually get through my day, relying on pretty much myself. I have shut a lot of people out of my life, so its really just been me, taking care of me emotionally and mentally. And so, what will a D do, really? Its a piece of paper, legalizing what has already been going on for so long. I guess right now, there is no finality to it. D is final, thats it. But, i have to realize that i am holding on to what my R was, not what it is. B/c there is no R. And even if we did reconcile, what would the R be like then? Different, sure, but would the parts of my H that i want back still be there? I don't know. Could we have a good M? Sure, i believe so. But, i can't do it by myself. And i don't think that my H wants to try. So, i need to get myself together and plan my life, b/c it is my life.
Okay, that all sounds very good. Putting it into action is a whole other story...we'll see.
NYE was pretty uneventful. The party i went to ended up being all couples...and me. Fun! (note the sarcasm). I spent most of the night, outside in the freezing cold, crying, wondering what the f... i am doing. Here i am 32 years old, and i am alone on NYE...again. And wondering where my H was and with who made it so much worse. And so, that night, i decided that i wasn't going to do this anymore. B/c i am so tired. And i don't want to be alone anymore. I was at a party, surrounded by a dozen people, and i felt so lonely. B/c the one person i wanted wasn't there. There was no contact from my H at midnite and i didn't call him. I didn't call him all day Sunday either. Then, he called me Sunday night. Said he was calling to ask if i had been by the house over the weekend (an excuse?). We talked for a while. He said he had picked up the phone to call me numerous times, but he felt like he was in a "damned if he did, damned if he didn't" situation. I told him that i hadn't called him b/c i thought it was better that i gave him some space. We were both kind of melancholy. He called me yesterday afternoon, again to find out something. We chatted for a few minutes. He called me this morning, to see if i had gotten to work okay (weather here was a mix of snow, sleet, rain). He was still at home...said he had a bad headache. Chatted for a few minutes and that was it. So, my resolution to close the door, has gone out the window. I have decided though that i need to detach/go dark/drop the rope...whatever you want to call it. Now that i haven't called him since Thursday night, he has called me. Things that make you go "hmmmmm...."
I was thinking about something. My H keeps telling me how lonely he is. And every time he says it, i think "yeah right, how can you be lonely when you've got ow to keep you company." And then i realized that there is a difference b/w being alone and being lonely. He is not alone b/c he has her, but it doesn't mean that he still doesn't feel lonely, b/c maybe she really isn't fulfilling that fundamental need. Perhaps she is just a "warm body", so to speak (yes, i might puke at that thought). Does that make sense?
The thing that baffles me is if is saying that he can't be with me and that it is a "quality of life" issue, then why is he so sad when he isn't with me? Has being separated from me really made his life so much better? From what he tells me, no it hasn't, b/c he is just as miserable, if not more so. He complains of being lonely and feeling depressed. Ummm, hello, that's not my fault...you don't see me every day. When is he going to realize that he needs to work out whatever is within him that is keeping him so stuck in the past. Reliving the past only keeps you stuck in the pain. But, he doesn't want to see that.
Anyway, that is me for today. I do have plans to have dinner with some friends tonight. And NYE i spoke with my cousin's GF and she is insisting on some girls nights out with her and some of her friends. So, that should be fun. I am not looking to meet anybody. But, i can't sit home anymore. Its not even my house, for god's sake. So, i basically sit in one room, by myself. Not much fun.
Thanks to all of you who have taken the time to read about my sitch and to respond. One of my New Years resolutions is to be better about keeping up to date with all of you guys. And to save money. But, thats a whole other story.
You're sounding good today Imdi. So glad. I know what you mean about "feeing paralyzed". It's an awful feeling. The positive is that you are taking steps (dinner, girls' nite) to keep moving. Be proud of yourself for going to that NYE party. I did the same thing. Room full of couples and me. It wasn't easy but it wasn't as hard as I thought because I put myself in the right frame of mind before I went. And I didn't cry once! That's a biggie for me as I'm a huge crier.
We didn't ask for this to be our lives. But it is. We have to make the most of it. You have good resolutions. You will start this year off on a good note and I'm sure great things will follow.
You are stronger than you know.
Spitfire
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
My H keeps telling me how lonely he is. And every time he says it, i think "yeah right, how can you be lonely when you've got ow to keep you company." And then i realized that there is a difference b/w being alone and being lonely. He is not alone b/c he has her, but it doesn't mean that he still doesn't feel lonely, b/c maybe she really isn't fulfilling that fundamental need. Perhaps she is just a "warm body", so to speak (yes, i might puke at that thought). Does that make sense? It does now. I was going to tell you that my H. has told me the same thing, he is lonely. It makes me furious...he's got o.w. and I am alone!!! I am lonely. But you explain it very well and perhaps that is what both your H. and mine mean when they tell us that.
Has being separated from me really made his life so much better? Of course not. But he is trying to convince himself that it's better. We know it isn't; he's still unhappy.
So, my resolution to close the door, has gone out the window. I have decided though that i need to detach/go dark/drop the rope...whatever you want to call it. Me too. I haven't called him in nearly a week now. Let's both keep it up and see where it takes us, ok? Believe me, in just a few days I feel alot better because I am gaining back my own respect. I can't chase H. any longer and I'm tired of feeling like I need him. We can do this, Imdi.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
I'm glad my "lonely/being alone" thing made sense. It hit me just the other day that this could very well be the case.
Its amazing, isn't it, how different things are once we change our behaviors? I am trying very hard not to call my H...last week was tough, with the holidays and not working, i had too much time on my hands to think about everything. So, i am going to try to detach from him a bit, back off, give him some space. I don't know if it will get me what i want - my H back - but pursuing him didn't do it either, and it only made me feel worse. So, i need to take back some control of my life. And i need to start believing that getting D isn't the end of the world. People keep telling me what a wonderful person i am, that i am beautiful and will have no problem getting someone else. While that is not my immediate goal, it does help the PMA. Now, i just have to really internalize it and start believing it. I do feel better about myself after having lost some weight. Although, last night, i kind of got scared when i realized that i was down to 105...too close to 100 for me. I couldn't tell you the last time i was this thin. Gee, probably in junior high school. Anyway, i digress. My point is, i need to start believing that i am beautiful...inside and out. Perhaps that should be one of my resolutions.
Okay, lets make a deal...we are going to stop pursuing and gain back some self respect! If you can do it, so can I!