NYE was pretty uneventful. The party i went to ended up being all couples...and me. Fun! (note the sarcasm). I spent most of the night, outside in the freezing cold, crying, wondering what the f... i am doing. Here i am 32 years old, and i am alone on NYE...again. And wondering where my H was and with who made it so much worse. And so, that night, i decided that i wasn't going to do this anymore. B/c i am so tired. And i don't want to be alone anymore. I was at a party, surrounded by a dozen people, and i felt so lonely. B/c the one person i wanted wasn't there. There was no contact from my H at midnite and i didn't call him. I didn't call him all day Sunday either. Then, he called me Sunday night. Said he was calling to ask if i had been by the house over the weekend (an excuse?). We talked for a while. He said he had picked up the phone to call me numerous times, but he felt like he was in a "damned if he did, damned if he didn't" situation. I told him that i hadn't called him b/c i thought it was better that i gave him some space. We were both kind of melancholy. He called me yesterday afternoon, again to find out something. We chatted for a few minutes. He called me this morning, to see if i had gotten to work okay (weather here was a mix of snow, sleet, rain). He was still at home...said he had a bad headache. Chatted for a few minutes and that was it. So, my resolution to close the door, has gone out the window. I have decided though that i need to detach/go dark/drop the rope...whatever you want to call it. Now that i haven't called him since Thursday night, he has called me. Things that make you go "hmmmmm...."
I was thinking about something. My H keeps telling me how lonely he is. And every time he says it, i think "yeah right, how can you be lonely when you've got ow to keep you company." And then i realized that there is a difference b/w being alone and being lonely. He is not alone b/c he has her, but it doesn't mean that he still doesn't feel lonely, b/c maybe she really isn't fulfilling that fundamental need. Perhaps she is just a "warm body", so to speak (yes, i might puke at that thought). Does that make sense?
The thing that baffles me is if is saying that he can't be with me and that it is a "quality of life" issue, then why is he so sad when he isn't with me? Has being separated from me really made his life so much better? From what he tells me, no it hasn't, b/c he is just as miserable, if not more so. He complains of being lonely and feeling depressed. Ummm, hello, that's not my fault...you don't see me every day. When is he going to realize that he needs to work out whatever is within him that is keeping him so stuck in the past. Reliving the past only keeps you stuck in the pain. But, he doesn't want to see that.
Anyway, that is me for today. I do have plans to have dinner with some friends tonight. And NYE i spoke with my cousin's GF and she is insisting on some girls nights out with her and some of her friends. So, that should be fun. I am not looking to meet anybody. But, i can't sit home anymore. Its not even my house, for god's sake. So, i basically sit in one room, by myself. Not much fun.
Thanks to all of you who have taken the time to read about my sitch and to respond. One of my New Years resolutions is to be better about keeping up to date with all of you guys. And to save money. But, thats a whole other story.
