Spitfire- Thank you so much. None of what you wrote sounded mean. I actually had to laugh at the "don't buy this crap anymore." Everybody tells me pretty much the same thing. I guess i just don't want to believe that my H could be so manipulative. But there is a part of me that knows that to be true. Good analogy with peter, peter pumpkin eater. Gee, funny how it all comes back around to preschool...who would have guessed! I know that i have to take back control of my life. I am just paralyzed. I am afraid that anything i do will just send him farther away from me. Thing is, really, what more do i have to lose? I haven't lived with him in 13 months. He hasn't been my everyday companion for that long. And yet, i have managed to get up every day, go to work, and actually get through my day, relying on pretty much myself. I have shut a lot of people out of my life, so its really just been me, taking care of me emotionally and mentally. And so, what will a D do, really? Its a piece of paper, legalizing what has already been going on for so long. I guess right now, there is no finality to it. D is final, thats it. But, i have to realize that i am holding on to what my R was, not what it is. B/c there is no R. And even if we did reconcile, what would the R be like then? Different, sure, but would the parts of my H that i want back still be there? I don't know. Could we have a good M? Sure, i believe so. But, i can't do it by myself. And i don't think that my H wants to try. So, i need to get myself together and plan my life, b/c it is my life.
Okay, that all sounds very good. Putting it into action is a whole other story...we'll see.
