You may disagree with what I'm about to write, but at least ponder it for a second. I can sympathize with you about wanting to show H that you're trustworthy. When my H left, he told me he did so because he believes the baby I'm carrying might not be his. That scared the sh!t outta me. Now granted, I don't have a choice really about going out right now. But I decided, in the time that I was alone, that I would sit around my house and be miserable to "show" my H that I am trustworthy, that even after he left me, I was home alone.
Since that time, I've learned that it wasn't a trust issue at all. H was seeing someone else. I had accepted and internalized his transfer of guilt, and I was trying my best to show him that I was loyal to him. And I honestly felt like that was the right thing to do. Let's face it, there are real reasons he feels he can't trust me. And as his W, I needed to show him that he could.
However -- and that's a big however -- I've speculated, since I caught him with OW, that his attempts to transfer all the blame and guilt on me (whether verbal or non-verbal) was actually very manipulative. I almost think that he *knew* what would happen if he accused me of having been with another guy. He *knew*, even if it was subconsciously, that I would try to "prove him wrong." I would sit at home, trying to figure out ways to show him I can be trusted. And all of that was simply H's way of controlling me while he went on to live his life with another person. I don't know if he consciously acknowledged that that's what he was doing or not. But I believe that deep down, that was his goal: To keep me home, crying and miserable over him, so he wouldn't have to worry about me. And meanwhile, he went out and carried on a R with OW. And I bit.
Don't continue to let your H do that anymore. He's seemingly having an A with someone, and you're carrying the weight at home, trying to be the trustworthy spouse.
You *are* trustworthy, and you know that. That's what counts. If your H doesn't trust you, I can assure you that he's not going to trust you, whether you're home or out to the movies with friends, or out having a drink with another guy. You can't control his thoughts or feelings. And while I understand your intent in staying home, I think all you're really doing is holding yourself back from potential happiness. Don't do that anymore, hon. You've done enough to prove yourself to your H. You've made yourself unhappy for long enough.
If you go out and have a good time, it's a win-win sitch for you. Will it bring H back? Who knows? But obviously what you're doing isn't working as well as you'd like it to. Going out every once in a while sounds like it would be a 180 for you. Try it for a month, and monitor the results. If it doesn't get your H's attention -- which I would argue it will, even if he doesn't show you -- then at least you've had a good time. And I can also assure you that it will lift your PMA if you allow it to, which is not only attractive to WASs; it makes *us* feel better, and that's the most important thing.
And you owe that to yourself, Imdi. You've earned it.
