Thanks everybody...hope you were all able to enjoy your day today.
RE: kids - i really don't know what to think anymore. I will agree that we were both ambivalent about it. But, i don't thinkk my H has ever thought, gee, i really wish we did have kids. Or, maybe i am just kidding myself...maybe he just didn't want to have kids with me.
For the past 2+ years, i have been trying to show my H that we could have a good M. I have been trying to live my life as a "good wife" would. Considering he doesn't trust me, i have been trying to show him through my behaviors that he can, in fact, trust me. I guess i get so frustrated b/c if i didn't have to prove to him that i was trustworthy, then i would probably be doing a lot of things differently. I would go out more...i know that i should anyway, but b/c trust is such an issue, i tend to stay home so that he has no reason to doubt me. But, if my H doesn't want me as his wife, then why should i continue to act like one? Does that make sense? I don't know. I guess, sometimes, i just wish i had a sign as to what to do. I am trying so hard to hang on...but its hard.
H called this a.m., after seeing that i had called him last night. He was home this morning...said he got drunk at his brother's last night and spent the night there. I am doubting this story. I am wondering if he has already left for his New Years Eve festivities, but of course hasn't told me. I haven't tried to call him, b/c i know if i did, i wouldn't get him anyway and it would just upset me. I thought about driving past ow's house to see if he is there, but i just can't do it...hurts to much to see my H's truck in that b*@##'s driveway.
So, hope...if our H's won't file b/c they don't want to be the bad guy and we don't do it b/c we don't want to, then how long will this limbo last? I mean, i don't want to be in the same place 5 or 10 years from now. There are just sometimes i would like to spend a minute inside my H's head, just to get an idea of what the f... he is thinking.
I do have plans for tomorrow night...heading to NYS for a party at my cousin's...should be fun. At least i won't be home by myself, while my H is out doing god knows what to god knows who...okay, that just made me nauseous.
If i am not able to get online tomorrow, i wish all of you a wonderful New Year. May 2006 bring us all the happiness that we deserve.
