Every day my confusion grows...

[lmdi99]

PandDBing...thanks for your reply.

realize that perhaps the *reason* you feel the need to push is because you're actually and finally getting somewhere with your H.

You are right...i have a hard time accepting what i am getting from him. I always seem to want more. That happened when we first separated...and he said that he couldn't do anymore than what he was doing. I need to have some restraint and just accept where we are at now, instead of trying to look too far into the future.

My options: continue to fight; file for D; fight the D if he files; move on. I guess that covers all the bases. I know that i need to GAL...i do try, but it is so hard.

Thanks for replying pandDBing...i did start to read your about your sitch last night...i need to go back and finish reading...

[lmdi99]

TTS-
Thanks for your reply. I know that actions speak louder than words. It just hurts so much to think that maybe he isn't being honest with me about loving me, etc. I also have to think about something that he said...that the fact that he hadn't actually filed means that he is still ambivalent...and i guess he is right...

I have thought that he wants me to be the one to file so that i can be the bad guy. But, i have made it perfectly clear to him that i would not be the one to file. I told him...you want this, you file. So, he is aware that i am not going to do it. I think most people, at least those that matter, do not blame me anyway. His parents are upset that this is happening and are mad that he forced me out of our house. I believe that they know i am not to blame...

I have wondered if he is just telling me what i want to hear. But, i certainly did not want to hear "we are not going to be together now" and that D is still a possibility. I do believe that he was being honest with me yesterday, and i appreciate that. He even said that he couldn't tell me things would be okay. He also said that we have both made mistakes and that other people in our situation probably would have kicked each other to the curb by now. He is taking responsibility for his part in this. I do think also that he is trying to convince himself that he is doing the right thing by D me...he knows that i really have been a good wife.

Thanks for your reply...you gave me a lot to think about.

[hopefloats7]

Imdi,

I, too, am having questions about the children issue. (see my thread). I never thought it bothered H. that much that we did not have kids; maybe this was something he was keeping from me? But then again, o.w.'s child is not really "his" so he has the freedom from being responsible to her. I don't know what to think though. And, I can see you have your own questions about this. Perhaps trying on the hat of "dad" is part of all this for both our H.'s.

Re: filing. I know my H. does not want to be viewed as the bad guy anymore than he already is. I think it has kept him from filing even in moments when he might have really wanted to. I do not bring it up anymore, and so far he hasn't either. I'm waiting to see what happens after New Year's. He knows I won't do it, just like you. I would be willing to bet that both our husbands would not resist us if we did choose to file, but they know we won't, and they don't want to do it, so A + B = LIMBO.

Your H. definitely knows you are a wonderful wife, Imdi, but right now he's going to do and say a lot of bad things because he has to justify his own behavior. He has to convince himself he's doing the right thing; they all do this. But you know the truth deep down, and so do I. Imagine the turmoil that must go on in H's head all day...the constant second guessing that you never hear about. I can't imagine what it must be like for these men.

Sending hugs...keep in touch.

[bravagal]

Imagine the turmoil that must go on in H's head all day...the constant second guessing that you never hear about. I can't imagine what it must be like for these men.

What a great reminder. Whenever I approach the sitch from this angle it is easier for me to GAL and accpet things for what they are at the moment.

Thanks , Hope!

brava

[TryingtoSmile]

Hi lmdi,

i think that he is being honest about loving you... that may be the only honest thing that comes out of his mouth right now... otherwise, you're right, he would have filed and been pushing more... the fact that he's in limbo is a key.

I have wondered if he is just telling me what i want to hear. But, i certainly did not want to hear "we are not going to be together now" and that D is still a possibility.

I think he's shouting from the rooftops what he "thinks" is the "right" thing right now. Not only in an attempt to convince you --- but very much to convince himself. Mine is doing the same thing. It's like, the more they say it, the louder they say it, the less they have to actually deal with what it all really means. They just don't get it yet.

I do think also that he is trying to convince himself that he is doing the right thing by D me...he knows that i really have been a good wife.

I agree... but in a sense, this is twisted. If he knows how you feel about D and you've told him it's absolutely not what you want... then really, he's just trying to convince himself that this is the right thing for you... and that you'll thank him in the long run. Ultimately, they need to stop making decisions for us. And stop anticipating how we're going to react to things. They need to stop protecting us and just be real.
At least that's how it is in my sitch. I've heard that same thing.
And the "I could be married to you and it would be fine. But I would just keep doing this to you." Well, sorry buster brown, not good enough. You need to fix yourself and get your ducks in a row before you'll be good to anyone. And if I want to stick around and see if that happens, then too freakin' bad, that's MY decision. And I own that the easy thing to do here would be to walk away and start over. I'm not interested in easy... I'm interested in my marriage.

Hang in there. You're strong -- even in your darkest hours.

Sorry, I talk too much sometimes.

Hope today is a better day for you.

TTS

[lmdi99]

Thanks everybody...hope you were all able to enjoy your day today.

RE: kids - i really don't know what to think anymore. I will agree that we were both ambivalent about it. But, i don't thinkk my H has ever thought, gee, i really wish we did have kids. Or, maybe i am just kidding myself...maybe he just didn't want to have kids with me.

For the past 2+ years, i have been trying to show my H that we could have a good M. I have been trying to live my life as a "good wife" would. Considering he doesn't trust me, i have been trying to show him through my behaviors that he can, in fact, trust me. I guess i get so frustrated b/c if i didn't have to prove to him that i was trustworthy, then i would probably be doing a lot of things differently. I would go out more...i know that i should anyway, but b/c trust is such an issue, i tend to stay home so that he has no reason to doubt me. But, if my H doesn't want me as his wife, then why should i continue to act like one? Does that make sense? I don't know. I guess, sometimes, i just wish i had a sign as to what to do. I am trying so hard to hang on...but its hard.

H called this a.m., after seeing that i had called him last night. He was home this morning...said he got drunk at his brother's last night and spent the night there. I am doubting this story. I am wondering if he has already left for his New Years Eve festivities, but of course hasn't told me. I haven't tried to call him, b/c i know if i did, i wouldn't get him anyway and it would just upset me. I thought about driving past ow's house to see if he is there, but i just can't do it...hurts to much to see my H's truck in that b*@##'s driveway.

So, hope...if our H's won't file b/c they don't want to be the bad guy and we don't do it b/c we don't want to, then how long will this limbo last? I mean, i don't want to be in the same place 5 or 10 years from now. There are just sometimes i would like to spend a minute inside my H's head, just to get an idea of what the f... he is thinking.

I do have plans for tomorrow night...heading to NYS for a party at my cousin's...should be fun. At least i won't be home by myself, while my H is out doing god knows what to god knows who...okay, that just made me nauseous.

If i am not able to get online tomorrow, i wish all of you a wonderful New Year. May 2006 bring us all the happiness that we deserve.

Hugs!

[bravagal]

Lmdi,

You sure seem trust worthy to me. Also, hmmm consider his behavior I think you are entitled to be less concerned about that issue.(imho )

Even if you go out more that does not make you any less trustworthy. That is H's issue - you cant fix that one for him. And anyway, you are being a great wife!

Maybe ask yourself if you would do anything differently if this trust issue were not on the table, if it just didnt exist. Maybe it is time for a 180.

I think even within DBing we need to keep 180ing to spice things up. So not only what didi I do when before DBing but what have I been doing lately that I could change.

Good for you about NYE. Do something a bit naughtier than you normally wouldnt do.. be extra flirty with someone, wear something sexier than normal- whatever. I find that when I am naughty it makes my Hs constant "naughtiness" less powerful. Petty? perhaps, but it seems to work.

You are doing so well Lmdi and are a true inspiration.


I wish you all the best in 2006!

(so glad to have "met" you here on the BB.)

brava

[pregnant&DBing]

Imdi,

You may disagree with what I'm about to write, but at least ponder it for a second. I can sympathize with you about wanting to show H that you're trustworthy. When my H left, he told me he did so because he believes the baby I'm carrying might not be his. That scared the sh!t outta me. Now granted, I don't have a choice really about going out right now. But I decided, in the time that I was alone, that I would sit around my house and be miserable to "show" my H that I am trustworthy, that even after he left me, I was home alone.

Since that time, I've learned that it wasn't a trust issue at all. H was seeing someone else. I had accepted and internalized his transfer of guilt, and I was trying my best to show him that I was loyal to him. And I honestly felt like that was the right thing to do. Let's face it, there are real reasons he feels he can't trust me. And as his W, I needed to show him that he could.

However -- and that's a big however -- I've speculated, since I caught him with OW, that his attempts to transfer all the blame and guilt on me (whether verbal or non-verbal) was actually very manipulative. I almost think that he *knew* what would happen if he accused me of having been with another guy. He *knew*, even if it was subconsciously, that I would try to "prove him wrong." I would sit at home, trying to figure out ways to show him I can be trusted. And all of that was simply H's way of controlling me while he went on to live his life with another person. I don't know if he consciously acknowledged that that's what he was doing or not. But I believe that deep down, that was his goal: To keep me home, crying and miserable over him, so he wouldn't have to worry about me. And meanwhile, he went out and carried on a R with OW. And I bit.

Don't continue to let your H do that anymore. He's seemingly having an A with someone, and you're carrying the weight at home, trying to be the trustworthy spouse.

You *are* trustworthy, and you know that. That's what counts. If your H doesn't trust you, I can assure you that he's not going to trust you, whether you're home or out to the movies with friends, or out having a drink with another guy. You can't control his thoughts or feelings. And while I understand your intent in staying home, I think all you're really doing is holding yourself back from potential happiness. Don't do that anymore, hon. You've done enough to prove yourself to your H. You've made yourself unhappy for long enough.

If you go out and have a good time, it's a win-win sitch for you. Will it bring H back? Who knows? But obviously what you're doing isn't working as well as you'd like it to. Going out every once in a while sounds like it would be a 180 for you. Try it for a month, and monitor the results. If it doesn't get your H's attention -- which I would argue it will, even if he doesn't show you -- then at least you've had a good time. And I can also assure you that it will lift your PMA if you allow it to, which is not only attractive to WASs; it makes *us* feel better, and that's the most important thing.

And you owe that to yourself, Imdi. You've earned it.

Have a wonderful time tonight! Have *fun*!

[hopefloats7]

So, hope...if our H's won't file b/c they don't want to be the bad guy and we don't do it b/c we don't want to, then how long will this limbo last? I mean, i don't want to be in the same place 5 or 10 years from now. There are just sometimes i would like to spend a minute inside my H's head, just to get an idea of what the f... he is thinking.

I sure wish I knew how long the limbo would last, or what these guys are really thinking. Actually, I suspect that their thoughts are so inconsistant that it would do us no good to know them anyway.

I hope you have fun tonight! Talk to you in the new year.

[spitfire23]

Hi Imdi,

Ditto. Big Ditto to everything Preggo just posted. It's the one issue in your sitch that has bothered me from the start. Your H wants to blame you. So he is projecting what he is doing all back on you. The results? "The love of his life" sits home determined to prove she is trustworthy.???


You are trustworthy! Don't buy this crap anymore. He is not going to wake up until you start living your life. I call this attitude from our husbands the Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater Syndrome. He has manipulated you into sitting in your pumpkin shell. Then there you'll be if and when he decides he's through playing. My H is living in the same nursery rhyme. He hasn't factored in that I'm not going to stay home and mourn him! Hasn't quite caught on to that yet...but he will.

AND THERE HE KEPT HER VERY WELL

Break free! GAL! It's the perfect time to start the next part of your life.

I know you do not want to give your H an "excuse" to file the papers by doing something that you know will piss him off. He knows that, too! I know that's a scary place to be in. But really, Imdi, what is your biggest fear here? That he's going to leave? He's already gone. And it doesn't appear that you are giving him a reason to want to come back. You cannot "nice" him into wanting to come home. He's manipulating you so that he doesn't have to own his own problem. What's he want to be able to say? "See you can't be trusted!" "It's your fault we have to divorce." Whoa! This makes me so mad. Sorry. I really am. It's just so frustrating to me when I look at your sitch (and Hope's) and it seems like there is so much hope there if you would just take back control of your life from H. I don't want to hurt your feelings. I want your life to get better. Sorry if this all sounded mean.

Hugs and best wishes for the new year.

Spitfire