Every day my confusion grows...

[bravagal]

Lmdi,

So sorry I lost your new thread. I have been catching up.
Well, now you know about OW for sure. Fine. I would even say good...

I have lots of thoughts on this one. Keeping in mind that this is just my humble (or not so humble ) opinion... here it goes:

On the topic of OW:

She said she drives by my house to see if he is there. She also told me that she hired someone to follow him last year when we first separated and that he had been found at her house.

First a question.. who is the she? Did your aunt follow him? Did she hire the investigator? I cant remeber from your threads- who is this OW?


OK, leaving that topic aside for the moment...

Now, i feel like, how could he love me and lie to my face? And maybe he doesn't love me...maybe that has all been a lie too. And the thought that he wasn't the person i thought he was is nauseating. I think, was i so blind as not to realize what or who he was? But, i remember believing that he loved me and feeling it...could he have been faking it for years?

Hmm, faking it all those years.. tooo exhaudting.. what man (or woman) would ever do that?! I think he did and does love you. You dont just push the delete button on love. All the more reason he cant be honest with you about OW. I am sure he is ashamed of it but is trying to justify it... I know I would. Also, might think that if you know he would for sure lose you. (Reember OW is a chance also for him to see that the grass is not always greener.)


Now on to the R conversation. I had a similar talk with my H last week. I did it to get some peace of mind and understand where I am at. I realize though that I was pushing for definites that he could not give. And the moment I took him literally and pulled back , he panicked and moved in. Check out the reply from HH about pursuing in my thread. It is fascinating.

Ok, I will attempt something similar with your post:

He said i looked beautiful.

Wow, that is a nice compliment. One point for Lmdi!

I am feeling very hopeless tonight friends. H said that he didn't want to mislead me (i told him it was very confusing to spend all this time with him), but that we were probably getting D. I asked if he was open to the possibility that things could work out for us...he said "i am open to all kinds of possibilities."

Lmdi, notice what he said : he is OPEN to all possibilities. This is good. VERY good, in fact. He is NOT slamming the door in your face.

He said he cannot forgive me for lying to him last year, and that he can't trust me emotionally. He said he misses so many things about me and our life and has all of these memories, but they are tainted.

Just like my H, your H is still stuck in the past! Still hurting and not letting go. BUT just the fact ythat he misses you and the life you had means to me that he DOES see that alot of it was good.

I did ask if there was a chance, and he said that he didn't have a crystal ball and couldn't see into the future, but that we weren't going to be together now.

Again, he is keeping the door open but declaring his need for space... give it to him. I am in ta similar spot at the moment and it is soo hard .
I know you know this but by asking if there is a chance: that gives him control/power and could be seen as you pursuing.
Also, just like my H. He needs his space now. So we can get it out of our heads that we will be getting back together in the next month or so. To which I say, we need to really start anew and work on GAL and REALLY letting go. (At least for me , I realize that I have let go a lot but have also tried to push or pull a bit . I was afraid to risk losing him and totally let go. Now I realize it is the only way-- for me.)

He said i was the love of his life and that there are times when he all he wants is to be with me. But, then he gets scared and doubts that he can trust me b/c i didn't meet his needs for so long.

Lmdi, he is opening his heart to you. This is the essence right here. Wow- the love of his life... and he was able to tell you that considering the seperation and all. YOU are the love of his life not that SOW or OW or whatever she is and no one else: you. This , imo, is someone who does not want to lose you but just is not ready to come back to you right now. Maybe he will never get there but the point is , he is not there now. As much as that stinks, that is the reality. Which brings the simple question: where are you at?

I told him that if there was even a 1% chance, then i would still hold out hope for us. He said he is still ambivalent about even filing for D, as evidenced by the fact that he hasn't done it yet. I did say something about whether it was a matter of "if or when" he would file...he said "if." He said he is not 100% committed to D, but did admit that he was leaning that way. He did acknowledge seeing a lot of changes in me over the past few months.

Lmdi, you are pursuing here:"1%". "if"... could sound needy and clingy . Please dont take my word as mean or harsh. I understand: I did it last week too. That is why I want to share with you what I see.
Your H does not want a D but even more so he does not want to be pushed.. Also, notice how the moment you "pursue" he is able to to use that. As for the "leaning that way" ... hah, I have a hunch that leaning could go the other way VERY quickly and in actually he only said that because he felt pushed.

He also said if it was too confusing for us to spend time together and for him to call me, then he would stop doing that. I said no, i didn't want to not have him in my life at all.

Lmdi, pursuing again. My H has pulled this one on me. Last time I said : ok, maybe you are right and he quickly back peddled. Again another sitch where H has too much power and KNOWS it. WE should be the ones using this line! See this is where I think, we are afraid to risk really letting go.

When he told me that he couldn't even think about the possibility of getting D, i said, see doesn't that tell you something? He said yes, it tells me that i don't want to hurt anymore. He talked about being lonely...and i told him that i could relate to that feeling.

You are trying to convince him. I just did that again on Monday. It only give them more power in the sitch. So in a way it is another example of "pursuing".

I really don't know what to think anymore. On one hand, he seems to be saying that he is going to go through with the D, and then he will contradict himself. I asked him if was set on going through with it and he said no. He also said that he was going to re-visit the issue after the holidays. I asked "revisit it emotionally, or legally?" He said, "well emotionally. but aren't they tied together?" I also asked him if i should still have hope or if i should give up. He said he couldn't make that decision for me, that that was something i needed to decide on my own. So, i basically still have no answer and still feel as if i am in limbo.

Lmdi, I say this with lots of compassion. Read and re-read that paragraph and look at the dynamic there.Pretend it is another DBer that you are replying to. There is so much going on in those few sentences. Really, what would you say to a fellow DBer about that paragraph?



OK, I know that is a lot to digest. I went into a bit of a down slope when I started to process what HH had written in my thread BUT it has been a huge eye-opener for me and I am glad he did that.

Please know I in no way meant to come across as judgemental or preachy so I am so sorry if I did. Your posts just really resonated with me and I feel your pain and confusion.

Looking forward to hearing what you think!

brava