PandDBing - thanks for your reply...i am looking forward to your comments.
Hope - hey there...glad you are back...i was really struggling yesterday, as you can tell.
I have always suspected an ow, as you know. I think i tried to deny it b/c it hurt so much less. The hardest thing is trying to decipher the truth from the lies. I am now questioning everything he says to me, or has said to me. Does he love me? Am I the love of his life? Does he wish things could be different? Is he ambivalent? I don't know what to believe anymore. That is what hurts the most...thinking that maybe he never loved me. Perhaps if he and i had met under different circumstances, i wouldn't be doubting him so much. But, i wonder if he is doing to me the exact things he did to his first wife. And if so, then couldn't he have been lying to me then? I sometimes wonder if he is like a sociopath or something. I think back to so many things over the years and wonder if our whole R was based on lies. The pain that those thoughts cause is unbearable. I sometimes wonder how much more i can take. I love my H so much. I don't understand how he can't see that. I don't understand why he isn't willing to work on this. If i am the love of his life, then how can he even think about being without me? That just does not make sense to me.
I am questioning so many things he has said and done over the past few weeks. Why has he made more attempts to see me? I think about the time we went out christmas shopping a few weeks ago and the smile that was on his face when he saw me...was that faked? Was it just b/c he was happy to see his "friend?" He gave me a card for christmas and signed it "my eternal love." What is that about? He has told me before that the will always love me...i am sure his gf would love to hear that one. And how can he want to be with someone who has so much baggage (ie 2 kids). And their R is based on lies too...she cheated on her H with him...does he not realize that that is so much worse than what i did? And that she could do it to him as well? Does he really want the responsibility of somebody else's kids, when he really didn't even want his own? I just don't get it. I know i am feeling sorry for myself tonight and that all of this is so anti-DBing. I guess i just feel so let down this week. I had been feeling a bit more positive. Now, it seems as if all the signs that i saw as steps in the direction i wanted, really weren't that.
I told my H how he had all the power...he said that he doesn't...that i could go out and file for D today, or fight him if he files. Yes, true, except both of those options end with the same goal, which isn't my goal.
He told me the other night how he has been having a lot of anxiety over the past week or so b/c new years eve is coming up. He said he wasn't even going to ask what i was doing, b/c he thought that was better. Okay, but where will he be new years eve? Am i supposed to believe what he tells me? Maybe we wouldn't be in this sitch if he didn't leave me for 4 days last year to go away with his "cousin." But, he doesn't acknowledge his part in it...its just my fault.
How do i know when enough is enough? Why didn't he just tell me yesterday...give up, move on...instead of leaving it up to me? AAAGH!
