PandDBing - i like those quotes...got me thinking.
The hardest thing about all of this is the limbo. I have been separated for 13 months now. This is the hardest thing i have ever had to do. I do try to take it one day at a time. And i had been so good lately at not asking questions. But, yesterday, something was just eating away at me and i couldn't help myself. The past few weeks, things b/w my H and i had gotten better. We were spending more time together, that he was initiating. So, i thought that maybe things were heading in the right direction for us. I know that we have a long way to go, but i was willing to do it. My H said to me yesterday "i can't tell you that everything is going to be okay and that we will be together." I told him that i wasn't looking for him to say that, or even that he would go back to counseling. I just wanted to know if there was any chance at all for us. At first, he seemed to be saying no. Then, he seemed to be ambivalent. I mean, he did say that he wanted to be honest with me and didn't want to mislead me, which i appreciate. I guess i thought that the time we had been spending together lately meant more than it did. I just don't understand. There are times when he is acting like he wants to be with me. And then, there are times when he is kind of detached. The not knowing for sure if there is an OW is killing me. I was up at 2:55 this morning, with such anxiety over the whole thing. I think it stems from believing that he has been lying to me for so long. I am now questioning everything he says and does. Does he really love me and miss me? Are his tears for real? I have been thinking about the several late night phone calls i have gotten recently. There have been times over the past week or so where he has called me, just to talk. Either he is sad or doesn't feel well. Why does he do this? I try to figure out if there is an ulterior motive. Or does he just need me at that moment. And i really have no problem being his friend...i strongly believe that if we were to work things out, then we had to be friends first. But the uncertainty is agony. I replay things over and over in my mind, a million times. I know that it isn't healthy, but sometimes i can't help it. I know that DBing should be about me. But, i feel like, all the work that i have been doing is with the goal of getting my H back. But, i wonder who my H is right now. I try to remind myself that right now he isn't the man that i married. But, is this the real him? I have to believe that the first 8 years of our R, he did love me. I did believe that and i felt it from him. I know he adored me...he told me that yesterday...that he had me on a pedastal. I never thought he could have done some of the things he has done over the past 2 years.
I wonder sometimes why he just doesn't tell me the truth about the OW. I mean, if he wants to be rid of me so that he can be with her, doesn't he think that telling me will make me realize there is no chance. I mean, how much easier would his life be if he didn't have to constantly worry about me and lying to me. He would only have to be accountable to her...wouldn't that be easier for him? What is the point of not admitting it? He now has our signed settlement agreement. Why not just tell me the truth and be done with me?
This whole thing is so torturous. He said he needed to get through the holidays and then "revisit" things in the new year. Does he mean start the D process? He is clearly ambivalent. I am not sure he is ready to accept me not being in his life at all. He said yesterday that he couldn't imagine not having me in his life in some form.
He kept saying yesterday that he needs to get away from the pain. I asked him why he thought that getting D would take away the pain and was that the only option. He couldn't answer me. He said, that's a good question. But, really...getting D from me is going to automatically make him stop hurting? I don't think so.
I am hoping that he really will think about things in the new year, and that going back to counseling will help him figure some things out. He did acknowledge that he is not as angry with me as he was, which is good.
I the beginning of our conversation, he said something about this not being about a choice. I beg to differ. I think i did tell him that he could choose to forgive me and trust me. I guess he meant that he feels like he can't forgive me or trust me. Is there a difference? I guess, he could say, okay, i am going to forgive her and trust her. And maybe he would try. But, maybe things would keep reminding him of the pain. Could that be what he meant about it not being a choice. He said this is about a quality of life issue. He doesn't want to live his life constantly questioning me about where i am or who i am with, or checking up on me. I totally understand that. I do think it would be so hard to completely trust him again after all of the doubts that i have. But, isn't that what M and love is all about...working through your problems, learning from your mistakes? Isn't it about in good times and in bad? This isn't something that i took lightly. i made vows, and i intended to keep them for life. How can he give up so easily? If i am the love of his life, how can he even think about being without me?
Thanks to anyone who may read and respond. i appreciate your feedback. i am sorry that i am feeling so sorry for myself right now. hopefully i will come out of this funk soon.
