No problem, Imdi. It sounds like you have some things to think about, but I believe one thing you're saying is that you're not ready to give up. And that's good for you.
Now, about having hope without knowing the outcome. Boy, do I know the feeling! I've told myself that a million times. There's not much I can say toward that, but I do have a quote that I've shared on other folks' websites, and I hope it helps you a little; it's one of my favorites:
Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer. ~ Rainer Maria Rilke
This state of "not knowing" is actually the most healthy part of the process. It's where we find ourselves. Try to enjoy it. Try to find yourself. That's the whole point of DBing, IMHO. The outcome doesn't matter. It's the process. Here's another of my favorite quotes, this one from Gandhi:
It's the action, not the fruit of the action, that's important. You have to do the right thing. It may not be in your power, may not be in your time, that there'll be any fruit. But that doesn't mean you stop doing the right thing. You may never know what results come from your action. But if you do nothing, there will be no result.
