Hello friends- Haven't posted in a few days, as i was busy with the holidays, etc. I hope everyone was able to enjoy their holiday as much as possible. I do have a lot to write about, but i don't know where to start. I am so emotional today and spent many hours crying. I guess i will start with Saturday.
Saturday H called in morning (left a message i think) wishing me a merry christmas...asked if i would talk to him tomorrow...he said yes. MIL called about 11pm...thanked me for gift...asked when she would see me to give me the gift she got me...made plans for next week. H called about 12:20am to say merry christmas again...i was sleeping. He said "merry christmas love." It was a few second conversation...he was on his way home (or so he says).
Sunday Called H in the morning at home and on cell phone...no answer. He eventually called back and left me a message...said he was in the car (he was supposedly going to his sisters). I called him back right away...no answer.
Monday I called him in the morning...he was home from work...said he was going to a friends house. I told him i was going to the mall...he said "i don't think i need anything from there, otherwise i would meet you." Chatted for a few minutes and then got off the phone. He called again later that evening, 2x...left 1 message. I called him back...talked for a few minutes again..very easy, lighthearted conversation. He offered to go to the doctor with me today (check up at skin cancer doctor)...i said that would be nice. He said he would meet me there.
Tuesday Woke up at 2am...was awake until about 5:30am...all kinds of thoughts invaded my head. Went to doctor...H met me...came in the room and held my hand as doctor took biopsies of some suspicious moles. He said i looked beautiful. On the way home, i just started crying...couldn't stop. I called him...yes a mistake, i know, but i couldn't help it. We ended up talking for almost 2 hours...about our R. I am feeling very hopeless tonight friends. H said that he didn't want to mislead me (i told him it was very confusing to spend all this time with him), but that we were probably getting D. I asked if he was open to the possibility that things could work out for us...he said "i am open to all kinds of possibilities." He said he cannot forgive me for lying to him last year, and that he can't trust me emotionally. He said he misses so many things about me and our life and has all of these memories, but they are tainted. I did ask if there was a chance, and he said that he didn't have a crystal ball and couldn't see into the future, but that we weren't going to be together now. He said i was the love of his life and that there are times when he all he wants is to be with me. But, then he gets scared and doubts that he can trust me b/c i didn't meet his needs for so long. I told him that if there was even a 1% chance, then i would still hold out hope for us. He said he is still ambivalent about even filing for D, as evidenced by the fact that he hasn't done it yet. I did say something about whether it was a matter of "if or when" he would file...he said "if." He said he is not 100% committed to D, but did admit that he was leaning that way. He did acknowledge seeing a lot of changes in me over the past few months. He also said if it was too confusing for us to spend time together and for him to call me, then he would stop doing that. I said no, i didn't want to not have him in my life at all. He said that he definitely feels better since signing the interspousal agreement. I said that i thought that things did get better b/w us once it was signed...he said, see, that's what i told you (he had told me that there was more hope for us if we had an agreement...i don't remember the reason and yes, i know it sounds like BS). He does still seem to be unsure of what he wants to do. When he told me that he couldn't even think about the possibility of getting D, i said, see doesn't that tell you something? He said yes, it tells me that i don't want to hurt anymore. He talked about being lonely...and i told him that i could relate to that feeling. I really don't know what to think anymore. On one hand, he seems to be saying that he is going to go through with the D, and then he will contradict himself. I asked him if was set on going through with it and he said no. He also said that he was going to re-visit the issue after the holidays. I asked "revisit it emotionally, or legally?" He said, "well emotionally. but aren't they tied together?" I also asked him if i should still have hope or if i should give up. He said he couldn't make that decision for me, that that was something i needed to decide on my own. So, i basically still have no answer and still feel as if i am in limbo.
After talking to H, i spoke to my aunt (that i live with). She proceeds to tell me how she knows that my H has a GF, and that he spends most nights at her house. She said she drives by my house to see if he is there. She also told me that she hired someone to follow him last year when we first separated and that he had been found at her house. She also said that people have seen them out at the mall. When i asked who, she said she wouldn't tell. She said he was a liar and a cheat and that she had no respect for him after what he has done to me. She said you and i both know what he has been doing. She feels that he is enjoying his life right now, having 2 woman after him and that there really is no reason to give up either one of us. I told her i couldn't understand if he was with her all last year, why he told me he wanted to work on our marriage and why he had me move back home. Of course, she couldn't answer that. So, i am sure you can imagine how devastated i am. I don't even know what else she said...i imagine she drove by OW's house as well, since she admitted to knowing where she lived.
I feel like my whole world has been turned upside down. I always suspected something b/w them, but i guess a part of me wanted to be in denial. Now, i feel like, how could he love me and lie to my face? And maybe he doesn't love me...maybe that has all been a lie too. And the thought that he wasn't the person i thought he was is nauseating. I think, was i so blind as not to realize what or who he was? But, i remember believing that he loved me and feeling it...could he have been faking it for years? I am emotionally exhausted today. I have a headache from crying. I don't know what to think anymore. Part of me wonders why he just didn't file for D sooner...was he waiting for the agreement to be in place, and once it was, it was too close to the holidays? But, then, why the increased interest in me over the past month. He has initiated more contact with me and made plans to see me more over the past month. Why? Why do this? He said today "i like you" (when i said something about us spending more time together). Great, my H "likes" me. That's as good as "i care about you"...why does that bother me so much?
I am sorry to ramble today. Had a lot to write and am just feeling so emotional. This is a very tough time of year, especially since last year at this time he was making moves towards reconciling, and then did decide he wanted to focus all of his energies on our M (called me new years day and said "let's not do this anymore. lets not be apart anymore"). I keep hoping that will happen again this year, but i don't think so. I just miss my H so much...the man i married. Where did he go? Or was this the person all along, and i just didn't see it?
