Ugh. I hate memories.

I have had a wonderful week, as far as emotional strength is concerned. Cleaned a little in the house, finally made dinners like I used to when H was here, and the girls and I ate at the table (again, like we used to when H was here). I decided I was going to take my life back, even if I didn't feel like doing it. And it has helped. I think for a while I was running from the "wifely" duties because I terribly miss being a wife. I knew that making big dinners, and sitting at the table like a family, would bring back memories, which would make me sad. But I also knew that's just something I have to face if I want to move forward with my life. And I've taken steps toward that, finally.

Last night, I had a dream of H and OW again. This one was kinda weird. They were being very intimate right in front of me. They were finishing up a ML session as I walked in. And what do I do? I talked to them both very nicely. No hint of jealousy, no bad feelings. But I was trying to "be there" for my H so that he would choose me over her.

Talk about DBing in your sleep! Yuck!

Then today I went to a GF's house to hang out a while. She lives really close to me, but I haven't really hung out at her house since H left. Last winter, we had parties there, like, every weekend. I have a lot of warm memories of being with H there.

I went this evening, and all those memories started flooding back. Every room I went into, there was a memory: The bathroom, where H had stuck a beer can in the light above the mirror to see how long it took my friend to find it. (It stayed there for about two months ), the dining room where we played quarters, the fireplace where we all gathered at my wedding shower there, the couch where H and I would snuggle to watch a movie.

It was so sad, but eerily comforting. I can't really explain it. It was almost like I felt the presence of my old H, and I felt so warm and secure. I would've thought those memories would make me crash, but they didn't.

I'm anxious for the day that all my memories are like that -- when I don't have a bad taste in my mouth about H, when I'm not angry at him or wondering why he's so angry at me, when I'm not longing for his companionship anymore. I'm anxious for the day this anger in him subsides (assuming, of course, that it will), and some part of that man I know and love comes back -- even if he's not with me.

Oh guys, it's so hard to watch your best friend deteriorate right in front of your eyes. That's the very hardest part...

Hope, make sure you let me know how the book is. I meant to get to Barnes&Noble tonight, but didn't quite make it. And I'm on my way to another friend's house now. I'll either be back around later tonight, or sometime tomorrow.