Gee, guys. I feel like Queen of the Day! Thanks so much for your feedback. I'm gonna try to hit some highlights here:

Em
Very, very good to hear from you. Thanks so much for taking time to respond. I would like to take any cheating spouse and hang them by their freakin' toenails, but it's especially difficult to swallow when they're cheating with a preggo wife at home. I've gotten kinda used to it, unfortunately, but it still creeps me out everytime I think about it -- regardless of the sitch.

My H was sleeping around while I was pregnant. And continued to do so after the baby came home. I was absolutely clueless stupid stupid stupid.

Nope. Trusting. There's a big difference. I've been trained in the last few years to be a suspicious person. I'm very peceptive, too. I was sooo humilated when I found out that my H had apparently started at least an EA with OW. Totally blindsided. It was either luck or fate that led me to his house the day I discovered that he was sleeping with her. Had that not happened, I wouldn't know to this day. I would still have believed that my H left me because he thought the baby wasn't his, blah, blah, blah.

Anyway, all that to say that none of us were stupid to have faith in our marriage partner. That's how it's supposed to be. And on top of that, love is a funny thing. Maybe it blinds us to the truth sometimes.

He was seriously immature in some ways and got his ego fed and fed and fed by his ability to get other women in bed.

The big issue I have in dealing with my H is that he's not a womanizer. He doesn't even have that aura about him, and that was one of the reasons I chose him as my partner. You guys see how I'll research the heck outta something? Well, with my XH, it was sexual addiction. And I *knew* what to look out for in my next partner.

I "picked" someone who wasn't my "style" at all, who actually would give the shirt off his back to people, even though he really didn't like them. He isn't really that hot (at least not by my normal standards; I know that sounds shallow, but I don't mean it like it sounds). As I noted in an earlier post, my admiration and respect for him is what made me fall in love with him. He was the most loyal, devoted, trustworthy, accommodating person I had ever met in my life. Seriously. Overall, I trusted him more than I've ever trusted anyone. And I don't normally trust people. I would've put money on the fact that he would never cheat on me. And unfortunately, I would've lost.

Here's my one warning though. I am hanging out at these boards because H told me recently "he doesn't have any more to give". etc etc etc. One big problem we have had - until only very recently - is that I never really forgave him. I said I did. I wanted to. I believed he no longer acted that way. But I just could not get over the fact that he didn't love me enough not to do that.

Thank you for this. Point taken! I'm not sure what's in store for H and me, but I'll have to forgive him regardless. I've always been a pretty forgiving person, but I'm sure I'm not as intimately familiar with forgiveness as I will be by the end of this sitch.

Lisa
Great resources! Thanks for the recommendations. As soon as I'm done with the other 18 books I've checked out ( ), I'll get those. Ya know, I didn't have time to read before H left me. And now I usually only do it after the girls have gone to bed, and I need to get sleepy. And I have an entire office of books on healing and spiritual matters (and the feminazi movement -- that one's for you, bigAl). I've got that stuff down pat, I think. I think. We'll see. It's time to put to practice what I've learned in all these years of personal growth. It's certainly a test. But I think I'll pass.

Dust
Thank you so very much for your kindness and for taking time to respond. Sounds like we have a few similarities.

I, too, waver from day to day, thinking .....I am done with this man .... let's have some fun with his idiocy. Then I realize that using my H for amusement purposes will not result in what I ultimately want (although I am not sure WHAT it is I want these days).

I'm not sure any of us know exactly what we want, and I think that's a good thing in the grand scheme of things. We've opened ourselves up, and the answers will come in time. And they'll all be our own answers -- not someone else's.

As for being amused by our H's idiocy, yes, you're right. A wise DBer (VJ) was telling me (reponding to an entirely different topic) that sometimes it's best to let things go. Sometimes, there are words on the tips of our tongues, and they want so badly to go flyin' out. But even if we choose to give in, our feelings will still be there afterward. And I would argue that then they're coupled with feelings of humiliation for letting our egos get the best of us -- and handing away even more of our own self-control and dignity.

So yeah, I've learned a lesson about engaging with H. It might seem "fun" at the time -- like I've given up, thrown caution to the wind and plan to go down with both barrels blazin' -- but VJ was right. I was still left with the very same sad, lonely, angry feelings. I would have felt better about myself had I just kept my flippin' mouth shut. (Though at the time my ego told me that if I did that, I would later risk feeling like a big fat doormat.)

I think both situations involve the H feeling he is entitled to his A. And I'm not sure it really makes a difference when the OW comes into the picture. I do, however, know that whether or not H is still married (by law), he considers himself to be "single".

Yep. My H told me that: "At least I did it after we weren't married anymore." Sheesh. Last I checked, we still were -- at least legally.

NYS
There's obviously infidelity in it. He was developing something outside the marriage.

Yep. The most simple and obvious point. Sometimes I miss those.

Imdi
That being said, do you think that what he is doing is an A? How does what he is doing make you feel?

Absolutely I feel it was an A. Perhaps I'm putting 2 and 2 together -- when I typically try not to attach reality to anything until I have supporting facts -- but my H had a 40-minute conversation with her two days before he left me. I must assume the obvious: She knew before I did that he was leaving me. That's an EA in my book. And he had a feeling -- whether or not they were having a PA at the time -- that she would be waiting in the wings for him to make the fallout from leaving his family a little easier. That's an A. So I guess I just answered my own question -- with the help, of course, of a few good DB friends.

Oh, wait, that's right...they're just friends...

...yeah, or if you catch 'em red-handed, they'll tell you it was "our goodbye." Puhlease.

Anyway, remember that you can't listen to anything they say right now. What spews from their mouths are things to make themselves feel better...about themselves and what they are doing. By making you the "manipulative b@#%&" he is justifying his actions, probably because he feels like s..t b/c he knows it is wrong.

I know you're right. If I were on the outside looking in, I would see that. It's just hard to swallow being so emotionally attached to the sitch. But I don't have to explain; I know you understand.

I want to know why my H just doesn't admit it if he wants to D anyway.

Sounds to me like he must not want to...Let him stew in his confusion about it. Serves him right.

If you get any of those books and feel they are worthwhile, let me know.

Shall do!

dontfret
If the shoe was on the other foot, would your H say you are having affair? My guess is yes.

And your guess would be right. It's funny you mention that, too. That thought has kept me sane during some other insane times. Like when H blasted me for pulling his cell phone records after I caught him with OW -- he said that was another factor in him deciding he didn't want to be with me. I told him (though it was of no use to do so) that he would have done at least that if he wanted to know if I was having an A. He didn't respond. He would've done a lot more than that, actually. I'd guarantee it.