Hey, Imdi and caverna. Interesting similarites, eh?
(caverna) Maybe our Hs are men "who love too much?" And than can't handle it?
I dunno. I wish I could figure out the problem. It almost seems in my sitch that when I started being more "domestic" -- in other words, when the tables were turned and *I* started being the one who went out of my way to show him I loved him -- that's when he stopped respecting me. Maybe not, though. I don't know enough about how he was feeling leading up to him leaving to really be able to say definitively. It could be just as possible that he had grown tired of my "hardcore" independence throughout the few years we were together. And he finally snapped.
Journaling again... I've had another good, strong day today. I don't know if it's because I called him the other night, or because I don't know where he's living, or because the holidays are over, or just because some days are up and some are down. But I'm not gonna worry too much about it. I'm liking the "up" time a little too much to drag myself down now.
I had my first visit with a C today. It's been planned since before H and I had started reconciling, or whatever those 3 weeks were. It was interesting. Got the comment, even from the C, that I'm so used to hearing: "Wow. You're really together considering the circumstances. You're really strong." She actually felt better when she saw some tears. She smiled and said, "There's the emotion I was looking for."
I caught her up to speed on things that have gone down. She didn't have much time left to talk, and I only scratched the surface in the hour I was there. She said I definitely needed to come back so that I just had an "outlet" where I could lose my strength for a while.
I dunno. I'm gonna keep going, but what I really want to do is try to get into the minds of WASs. I already know what's in *my* mind. I already know what *I* have to do to move on with my life -- and find whatever peace and happiness I can muster in it. I want to know about the dynamics of Rs. But a C isn't really going to focus on an absent person. She wants to focus on me. Sigh. I'll see where it leads, I guess.
Interesting happening while I was there, though. I believe that God works in mysterious ways. A MF of mine -- who's married with 3 children -- stopped by my house at lunchtime to drop off a bunch of baby things that he and his W are finished using. This friend is *very* talkative. He doesn't meet a stranger. I think my H has met him once.
Anyway, H was apparently here in the driveway when MF stops by. MF calls me and says, "He was working on a car or something, and you know me. I struck up a conversation with him about the stuff I brought by. I was showing him the little jumpy chair thing and said, 'Hey man. You'll love this thing. Just stick Little Man in it and he'll jump away. You're gonna love it.'"
MF said my H said, "Hey, thanks. I really appreciate it."
SuperDad really appreciates it. Ain't that sweet? Why can't he just say, "Hey, P&DB will be raising our son by herself, and I'm sure she'll appreciate it"? Of course I'm being sarcastic. But isn't it interesting how he still seems to be pretending that we're a happy little family? That he really cares at all about this baby?
Okay, change focus ...
I just read some posts a little while ago about anger, and how it shows that feelings are actually still there when a WAS uses anger. Hmmm. That's a hard concept to buy. But it reminds me of what H's friend told me soon after H left: "Hatred is not the opposite of love; apathy is." And it also reminds me of Ellie saying, "Anger is guilt turned outward."
The hardcore me, who says everything's over, wants to believe (as I posted yesterday) that this stuff doesn't apply to my sitch. That my sitch is different.
But maybe everybody's right. And that makes the more compassionate me think that maybe I'm being too quick to decide what I want in -- or out of -- my life forever.
Maybe H will come around after all -- maybe even sooner than later -- and at the least he'll take an active role in the baby's life. Maybe. I can't bank on that, which is why I have to move on just like we're not getting back together. And that means continuing with the legal process, which worries me a little. I fear that by protecting myself, I'll be pushing H totally away. But then that other part of me knows that *he* did this to me. He put me in this sitch. I have no choice but to protect myself. I have two weeks before my L and I are required to submit an answer to H's November complaint. We're answering with a lawsuit. We'll also be sending OW a letter. I haven't waffled at all about wanting to fight, primarily because (as I already said), I wasn't really left with a choice. I have to make my decisions based on being alone, raising three kids by myself. Not protecting myself is not an option.
Judging by what you've read in my posts, do you guys think that my H is just the classic WAS, like everyone else's? That right now he's just in an anger stage that's gonna pass? That maybe deep down he really does feel guilty and thinks he screwed everything up?
I guess I don't see it because the solution seems so easy to me ... and apparently he hasn't even entertained it. But before anyone goes and says, "Well, *your* solution is one thing. But he doesn't want to be with you right now, so his solution might be something different," keep in mind that H *did* come back around for those few weeks. It wasn't until I caught him with OW that everything went back downhill.
I guess I'm just looking for reassurance that I should keep a door open for H. Not *the* door; just *a* door. I mean, I guess I have to because of the baby. But he's really hurt my feelings in the way he's handled the baby, too. In saying "f*ck that kid." Can you guys tell how badly that bothered me? Do you think he really meant it? Do you think he'll want to have anything to do with the baby once he's born? I know you guys can only speculate, but I'm just probing a little...
Anyway, I guess there's also that little spiteful part of me that would like to have a choice, too, by the end of this game. That's what drives me crazy right now. Whether my M will or will not work is not my choice. Whether my H comes home or not is not up to me. I would really just like to have a choice. But isn't that what everybody wants?
Okay, enough introspective rambling. Sheesh. One visit to the C and you'd think I'm in la-la land.
