Hey, ka_zump. Don't worry about waiting for something nice to say before posting. After the sh!t H did, there's not much nice to say. . Thanks for stopping by. Unfortunately, H doesn't use e-mail. It's all been face-to-face visits when he's been his meanest. It's weird how the things he says -- even when I vividly remember them -- don't "stick" like the written word. It's too bad I don't have a nasty e-mail I could revisit.
Journaling... So I've been doin' a little thinking the last coupla days. It helps that I've been feeling really strong. So, I thought maybe I could rely on my own written word to pull me outta the gutter next month.
I've been reading a lot about our essential emotional needs, and how a spouse may stray when one or more of those needs are not met by his or her spouse. But the OP is eventually able to meet even fewer of those emotional needs than the LBS. The WAS typically realizes that sometime after leaving, then often goes back to the LBS. It's all a pretty predictable pattern, though at times I feel my sitch is so much different, and so much more unpredictable, than everyone else's. We probably all feel that way at times.
So what emotional need was I not meeting that OW did? Methinks that's an easy one. My H is very much my opposite in that he relies on external approval for self-validation. If I didn't immediately praise him for his work, he would practically beg for my opinion. He *knew* it was a good piece of work. But he needed me to fall all over myself resassuring him. However, I am a firm believer in self-validation through our own feelings of self-worth ... maybe even to a fault. My job is one that generally causes a lot of strong feelings -- sometimes "for" me, but most times "against" me. I can't care what people think as long as I'm doing what I know in my heart is the right thing to do. If I'm happy with what I'm doing, I don't need someone else to approve of it. Just to provide an example: I won a coupla state awards last year for my coverage of a controversial issue where I live, and I just now hung them on my wall at work ... and only because they've been collecting dust at my house, and I'm finally trying to clean up around here.
But here's how it possibly impacted my R with H: The OW is an interior designer. My H is a fabricator, and focuses a lot on designing and building custom furniture. She had contacted him to build something for her for a room she was designing. What was interesting to me was to recall today how, on OW's first and only visit to my house, I was on the computer while H was greeting her. I had made a portfolio for him (of his work) to show OW when she was here. But as soon as she stepped foot in our door, H starts taking her on a tour of our house, skipping *all* the wonderful pieces he's built and instead showing her everything *I* designed and decorated. "Look at these lamps. P&DB made these!" "Hey, look at these candles! She made that! Can you believe it??!!" "Oh, and look at this! P&DB painted it. Isn't that awesome??" Only then did he show her his work. And boy, did she "Ooooo" and "Ahhhh" over his masterpieces. Rightfully so, of course.
I should've known then that she might be a weakness to H. He's one of these people who would ask me, "What did such-and-such think about the table I made? What did s/he say? Did s/he like it?" It wasn't enough for me to say, "Honey, they thought it was fantastic. But of course they would. You're awesome."
The downside of that is that I was often H's "feet" when his head was in the clouds. As soon as he was contracted to build one spiral staircase, he was ready to quit his full-time job to start his business. And he would literally argue that he could and should do it. I would remind him that if he didn't get a job after the staircase, we'd be homeless. I tried and tried to reach a compromise with him, and finally did -- one where he could work part-time at his "real" job, and I would continue to work to make up for what we were missing as a result.
But he always *hated* that I ended up being right. He's admitted that to me time and time again. He'd say, "I'm not mad at you. You're right. I'm mad at myself." But now, in his anger, he says that with sarcasm. "Ol' P&DB ... always has to be right!!"
So back to my basic question: What emotional need is OW meeting that I didn't, or couldn't? My H's need to feel like the center of the Universe. He needs, and is receiving from her, external approval, assurances that he's the greatest welder and person alive, and he can do anything he puts his mind to. OW makes him feel special ... because (and this is my opinion) she feels inferior to him. I truly now believe that H always felt inferior to me. He felt he was standing in my shadow. I was the "well-known" one in our R. Many of his most well-known and well-liked jobs were spawned by my connections with people. I was always in the "spotlight," and he felt he was "riding my back." I was the strong one, the smart one, the rational one, and yes, I "wore the pants." OW doesn't even live here, so she's not that well-known. And she's obviously kinda weak and desperate for attention -- even if it's from a married man with a child on the way. Like H, she obviously looks outside herself for approval (and is likely getting that from my H).
As a side note, that's one thing that really hurts: My H and I fell in love for some of the same kind of reasons. We made a good team, and we admired one anothers' work. Our love was built out of admiration and respect.
I believe that one day he'll remember that. One day H will grow tired of his "June Cleaver fixation" -- which I would argue he already has, since he came back home to Momma for that brief while. One day, I think he'll realize that while OW might be really good at praising him and making him feel special through her admiration of him, that I too admired him ... but I also kept him grounded. And I did that because I loved him and wanted us to have a good, stable life together. Then again, he might always remember that as me being "nagging" and "controlling." (But I don't really care because I don't depend on his approval -- Just kiddin'.)
Maybe one day H will realize all his emotional needs that I *did* meet rather than focusing on the couple I didn't. He didn't leave me for lack of physical touch. He didn't leave me because I cramped his style or didn't leave breathing room in our R. He certainly didn't leave me because I held him back from pursuing what he likes to do ... though maybe I didn't "allow" him to pursue those things as hard as he wished he could.
Yes, I was demanding. Yes, I had very high expectations for him. Yes, he took care of a lot of my dirty work while I worked my a$$ off in my job that didn't do much to pay our bills. Yes, he sacrificed a lot to be my H and the father of my children. Yes, I prolly could've done a little more and expected a little less.
But while I may have done some things wrong, I did nothing that justifies him leaving me at all ... much less for OW. And this may sound really egotistical, but I also realized today that H is gonna have a very hard time finding someone who compliments him the way I did. Or at least in so many "essential" ways.
It's all true what people say about spouses leaving to test the grass on the other side. And my sitch is really no different. Maybe it is, after all, just as predictable as everyone else's. I'm not sure how long it'll take, but one day H's eyes will open to the fact that he left a very good thing when he left me and our M. I worked really hard at creating a good R with him. I cooked hot meals for him nearly every night. I made a comfortable and clean home for him. I would show affection to him in public, though he knows I despise public displays of affection. I would put my best foot forward to change my bad moods for him, assuring him that they weren't his fault. I made sure the kids were away at least one night a weekend so he and I could spend time together. I took beers to him in the garage (and that alone should be enough for a man, right?? ) I followed him on his mountain biking trips, even though he admitted he'd never be a spectator at one 'cause they're so boring, and I turned them into a mutually rewarding event by taking my camera for pictures of H. I would kiss him goodbye and tell him to have fun at the concerts he and his buddies wanted to go to. And I would ML to him when he got home.
So what that I didn't dress up and meet him at the door everyday in plastic wrap?? So what that I didn't wear make-up everyday to look purty for him? And so what that I thought he should learn to trust his own instincts, and learn to validate himself, rather than depending on the opinions of other people??
Screw him! I was a good damn wife! I'm not the one who should be sitting at home crying right now. 'Cause you know what? I'll be a good wife again someday. And maybe this time to somebody who will appreciate what I have to offer.
Okay, somebody remind me of all this when I hit bottom again. Hey, the way I look at it: If I embrace the pain on the bad days, I can likewise embrace my strength on the good days. There'll be plenty more painful ones to come.
. Thanks for stopping by. Unfortunately, H doesn't use e-mail. It's all been face-to-face visits when he's been his meanest. It's weird how the things he says -- even when I vividly remember them -- don't "stick" like the written word. It's too bad I don't have a nasty e-mail I could revisit.
