I'm baaack! . Sheila and dontfret, thanks for your responses last night. Sheila, I'm so glad you're around; I need to be reminded from time to time that even strong folks have moments of weakness.

dontfret, I'm so anxious to hear about how your life changes in, oh, about 5 weeks!

I'm feeling tons better today. Relieved is a good word. And I think I've figured out a couple things. I know this is going to sound weird, but I believe I have an emotional cycle which lasts about a month. By the end of the month, I'm emotionally drained. Why do I pick up the phone to call H? It seems to be a weakness. But is it? I dunno, but I'm beginning to think that maybe the reason I call him -- especially when I know he's gonna be rude -- it because I'm kinda depending on him to keep me at the top of my game. By month's end, I'm at the bottom of an emotional barrel. When he's such as a$$ when I call him, it kinda picks me back up and puts me back on top. He reminds me why it is that I don't want to salvage a R with him.

It's an interesting concept. Hopefully I'll last more than a month this time. I really do think it'll help that we're not neighbors anymore.

I'm also not beating myself up for calling H because I don't think it was really the wrong thing to do. Granted, if I was trying to save my M, it wouldn't have been the best decision. But at this point, I'm trying to "show" him that he and I can be friends, even while OW is in the picture. And why do I feel that's important? Because I'll be having his son in about 4 months, and I'd really like for my son to have at least a part-time father. And I would like to be able to get along with that man.

In reality, I'm trying to protect my H even though I should have learned by now that he doesn't want my protection, and I don't owe it to him. But there's something inside of me, nagging me to show him that he and I can co-parent this child, and be civil to one another, regardless of the circumstances leading to our separation.

But I had a wise friend point out to me that I've made that clear to H. I don't have to keep making it clear. So I'll try not to. I'll just be anxious to see how my mind and heart responds to H's moving. I'm praying it's gonna help. I'd love nothing more than not to see or talk to my H -- and not be sad about it -- for four months. I would *love* to be skinny again and lookin' smokin' the next time he lays eyes on me. Wouldn't that be fun??? Maybe that should be my goal, huh?