Noticed something interesting when I got home from my sister's a while ago. My H had been in the house. I had actually set some things up to be able to tell if he had come in. But he didn't make any secret about it. He took a coffee table that I wasn't using, and he took his big speakers from the living room. He also apparently took a water hose from outside. His van is gone, too.
Now, it hurts my heart ... which I guess is expected. But the good news is that apparently he's moving and needing to outfit a place (hopefully other than roomie's house). When I drove past his house a little while ago, neither of H's cars are there.
That's hopefully good news, because that means H might have moved somewhere else. And that's been one of my big hangups: having to live across the street from him.
And I'm actually kinda glad I don't know where he's at now. I'm not going to try to find out, either. I can speculate all I want that he moved in with OW. And let's face it: That's prolly the most logical explanation.
But the good part is that I can wonder about it. I don't have to know right now. And maybe I won't have to deal with what my biggest fear had become: That OW would be moving in with H in the house across the street.
Wonder why, though, it still hurts? It's not as bad as when he moved the first time, obviously, and I don't believe I was addicted to the drama of him living across the street. But it almost feels final now for some reason. His leaving, that is.
I have absolutely no idea where my H, the father of my unborn child, is.
That's soooo freakin' weird! But it feels much better than knowing he's across the street.
Sweetie, I have to tell you something. You are SO strong. I do not think I could be as strong as you are in your situation. Doing this pregnant, you deserve an award or something.
I hope your H. has moved off your street. That will relieve some of the stress and pressure you have been under. That's what you need.
And I loved your comment about how your life begins when you give birth. Good for you! Any names picked out? I'd love to hear them!
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Wow.. what a way to kick off the new year is right. Hope said it all in her post. You are SO strong. I'm sorry your H has hurt your heart the way he has. I can't imagine going through all of this pregnant. Just try to concentrate on all the love that new little boy will bring into your life. I hope a sense of peace will settle in without you H right under your nose. It's had to be nerve wracking wondering what he's going to do and who his new roommate will be.
It is weird.. I know that feeling. I didnt know where S19's natural father was most of the time. Strange to think someone could just go on living life and not wonder about their child isnt it? Still today, I wonder if he ever thinks about his son he hasnt seen in 18 years and find it strange. But hey, we get all the loving rewards because we understand the value of our children. You're a good person.. you deserve to be treated with love and respect. Hold your head up GF and look forward to the new little man that's coming in the spring!
Hey, HF and caverna! Thanks for checking in. This is actually one of the weakest days I've had in some time. Something just came over me a while ago, right after I wrote that post. I'll explain in a bit. caverna, I haven't watched that movie. What's it about? (But don't give away everything, just in case I can rent it or something.)
Okay, HF, this is somewhat in response to your comments, which I'm very grateful for, BTW:
My sister gave me a CD before I left her house today and told me to listen to a certain song. Here are the lyrics to it. It's called Stand Back Up, by a band called Sugarland. If I knew how to link to an mp3 or something, I would, but I'm purty computer illiterate:
Go ahead and take your best shot, Let 'er rip, give it all you've got. I'm laid out on the floor, but I've been here before. I may stumble, I might fall. I'm only human; aren't we all? I might lose my way, but hear me when I say, I will stand back up. You'll know just the moment when I've have enough. Sometimes I'm afraid, and I don't feel that tough, But I'll stand back up.
I've been beaten up and bruised. I've been kicked right off my shoes. Been down on my knees, More times than you'd believe.
When the darkness tries to get me, There's a light that just won't let me, It might take my pride, and my tears may fill my eyes, But I'll stand back up.
I've weathered all these storms, But I just turn them into wind, so I can fly. What don't kill you makes you stronger. When I take my last breath, That's when I'll just give up. So, go ahead to take your best shot, Let 'er rip, give it all you've got, You might win this round but you can't keep me down, 'Cause I'll stand back up.
Okay, so call me weak, but this song is playing a little while ago as I'm pulling up at an art sculpture in town that I designed and H built last year. I cried like a little baby. And I did the ultimate no-no. I dried my tears, cleared my throat and called H. Dammit. Why do we always *do* that???
Anyway, I told him I was sitting at the sculpture -- which he took me to just a couple weeks ago, on one of our "dates" -- and that I was thinking of him and as hard as I tried, I couldn't go a year without calling to wish him a Happy New Year.
He thanked me. He was actually quite nice, when he had anything to say at least. He told me about moving his stuff. I told him I had just been home and noticed the speakers were gone. He said he'd be back to clean out the garage later. He said, "I'm on (a highway toward OW's, where H and I had talked a couple weeks ago about moving together) right now. I've moved out. I'm on my own. I had to get out of (the town that *I* live in)."
I thought that was interesting, because it was *me* who told him a couple weeks ago that *I* had to move outta this town. And now *he* does? Right to the town that we talked about moving to together?? Ouch, ouch, ouch!!
Anyway, he said, "I had to get out of (my town)... for obvious reasons." I didn't probe. I told him I didn't blame him a bit, and that I was happy for him. Of course I was very hurt that he's *that* much closer to OW. But I didn't mention that I knew that. I didn't mention her at all ... that conversation.
H said, "When are you and L gonna send me a letter? I'm waiting for it! Bring it on!" I told him I didn't want to talk about it, and he said, "Okay." I said, "I was just calling you to wish you a Happy New Year."
We got cut off, so I called him back about 10 minutes later. And that's when I really broke. Gawd, I hate reading peoples' posts when they break down this way, so please don't think I'm some emotional freak. Okay, just kidding. Here's more:
He answered, and I asked if he was alone for a minute. He said yes. I told him that I hated how things had shaken down between the two of us since I caught him with OW. I assured him I wouldn't do anything psycho to try to win him back, but that my heart just wasn't quite ready to give up on "us." He said, "Oh, God," then later said, "I don't know why you wouldn't."
I told him that I missed the old H, and that I understood that maybe the old H was gone, but that it didn't mean we couldn't be cordial to one another. I told him it hurt that he was so angry and hateful, and that I don't hate him for leaving me for someone else. I told him it hurts, but it doesn't make me hate him. H responded, "Well, I don't know why it doesn't."
I told him that I had learned with ex-H that I could be friendly, regardless of who he's seeing. He said, "Well, I don't have any feelings for you, so maybe that's why I don't care about your feelings." I told him I understood why he says he can't care about my feelings right now -- and that might or might not change. However, I said, I don't understand how you can say you have no feelings for me when just a couple weeks ago we were both ready to work things out. He simply stated, "Yeah."
I told him that just because he apparently took his feelings of love for me and gave them to someone else, doesn't mean that he *can't* care for me at all. I said, "You can have feelings of love for OW, and still care about how I'm doing, or at least how your son is doing."
I also told him that his messages to me seemed kinda mixed, and that I wish he would break down the walls he's built around him so he could just be real with me. He responded, "I can't. I gotta go." He asked if I was still at the sculpture, and I told him I wasn't. He asked if the girls were with me, and I told him they're not.
I don't know why I called him. And I don't know what to do from here. Geez Louise. Are these my stinkin' pregnancy hormones kickin' in? Do I *really* want to try to salvage a R with this guy??? WTF am I thinking?? WTF am I doing?? I swear, my feelings change as often as I change my freakin' underwear (which, obviously, is very often!! ).
I read on someone's thread (maybe some NYs advice??) that it doesn't matter whether you give up or continue trying to save the M; the feelings will be there, regardless. Ugh. I *hate* that!! What a freakin' roller coaster!
I asked H, from an outsiders' view, if I was just intimidating or something -- if people just assumed that my feelings didn't get hurt because they know how strong I am. He said, "I don't know. I can't talk about this right now. I'm hungry."
He ended the conversation with: "I'll be seeing you around. I'll be by there to pick up some more of my stuff later."
Today's one of the days I feel like my heart's been ripped out and stomped on. I knew it was coming. I knew I couldn't be Superwoman much longer. I break like this every other month or so, and then I regret it. I just can't understand why my life has turned out this way, or what I can do to fix it. I know I don't *need* H. I know I don't *need* our R. But boy, do I miss it. And boy, do I miss (the old) him.
BTW, HF, yes. My son's name is Ollie. Thanks for asking!
And thanks to all of you for being there, especially on days like today.
Sheila, I just caught your post, and had to say thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I don't know where this road will lead me, but it's gotta be taking me somewhere.
At least I'll have Little Man to take care of me, right? He may actually restore some of my faith in the male species. I hope to raise him to never, ever think of doing this to someone. I just can't wait until he's here.
Again, thanks for stopping by, and for your words of encouragement.
Prego, don't feel bad for crashing. We all have moments like this. But, PLEASE, promise me that next time you feel like crashing in front of him you will come here to vent or call me (my e-mail is mari_parreiras@hotmail.com - send me your phone number and I will send mine).
You saw that crashing in front of him doesn't take you anywhere. He doesn't get more sensitive. This is actually too much for him to handle. Looking from the outside, your H is acting rather defensive. He knows he is being a jerk. He is running away. He doesn't want to show his feelings and deal with this heavy stuff.
My advice to you, whether you want him back or just the pleasure of him coming after you, please move on, or go dark (maybe it's the same thing?).
Le Divorce: a pregnant woman is left by her husband, who has OW. She has a piece of art that ends up becoming the center of the story. There is quite a few twists and turns, but prego in the movie ends up well and happy.
Hi Prego, Sorry you had such a bad day. It's alright to crash and burn just make sure you STAND BACK UP.
That is my song! I bought the CD a while back and it is awesome. I like every song on it. Many are very appropriate to all our sitches here. Take some time and listen to the whole CD.
Tomorrow will be better.
"Tired of these jokers, deal me up Kings"
Spitfire
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
Hey PDB, Don't worry about calling him, but please learn from his responses NOT TO DO IT AGAIN for a very long time. I kept making those little tries with my H, and finally realized all that happened when I did, was that I gave him yet another opportunity to stomp on my heart, just for fun. Sounds like your H is acting like a jerk on purpose too, with some of the quotes you listed. Next time just call your sister and cry about it if you have to.
I hope the other 364 days of 2006 are much better for you!
).