Hey, HF and caverna! Thanks for checking in. This is actually one of the weakest days I've had in some time. Something just came over me a while ago, right after I wrote that post. I'll explain in a bit. caverna, I haven't watched that movie. What's it about? (But don't give away everything, just in case I can rent it or something.)

Okay, HF, this is somewhat in response to your comments, which I'm very grateful for, BTW:

My sister gave me a CD before I left her house today and told me to listen to a certain song. Here are the lyrics to it. It's called Stand Back Up, by a band called Sugarland. If I knew how to link to an mp3 or something, I would, but I'm purty computer illiterate:

Go ahead and take your best shot,
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got.
I'm laid out on the floor, but I've been here before.
I may stumble, I might fall.
I'm only human; aren't we all?
I might lose my way, but hear me when I say,
I will stand back up.
You'll know just the moment when I've have enough.
Sometimes I'm afraid, and I don't feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up.

I've been beaten up and bruised.
I've been kicked right off my shoes.
Been down on my knees,
More times than you'd believe.

When the darkness tries to get me,
There's a light that just won't let me,
It might take my pride, and my tears may fill my eyes,
But I'll stand back up.

I've weathered all these storms,
But I just turn them into wind, so I can fly.
What don't kill you makes you stronger.
When I take my last breath,
That's when I'll just give up.
So, go ahead to take your best shot,
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got,
You might win this round but you can't keep me down,
'Cause I'll stand back up.

Okay, so call me weak, but this song is playing a little while ago as I'm pulling up at an art sculpture in town that I designed and H built last year. I cried like a little baby. And I did the ultimate no-no. I dried my tears, cleared my throat and called H. Dammit. Why do we always *do* that???

Anyway, I told him I was sitting at the sculpture -- which he took me to just a couple weeks ago, on one of our "dates" -- and that I was thinking of him and as hard as I tried, I couldn't go a year without calling to wish him a Happy New Year.

He thanked me. He was actually quite nice, when he had anything to say at least. He told me about moving his stuff. I told him I had just been home and noticed the speakers were gone. He said he'd be back to clean out the garage later. He said, "I'm on (a highway toward OW's, where H and I had talked a couple weeks ago about moving together) right now. I've moved out. I'm on my own. I had to get out of (the town that *I* live in)."

I thought that was interesting, because it was *me* who told him a couple weeks ago that *I* had to move outta this town. And now *he* does? Right to the town that we talked about moving to together?? Ouch, ouch, ouch!!

Anyway, he said, "I had to get out of (my town)... for obvious reasons." I didn't probe. I told him I didn't blame him a bit, and that I was happy for him. Of course I was very hurt that he's *that* much closer to OW. But I didn't mention that I knew that. I didn't mention her at all ... that conversation.

H said, "When are you and L gonna send me a letter? I'm waiting for it! Bring it on!" I told him I didn't want to talk about it, and he said, "Okay." I said, "I was just calling you to wish you a Happy New Year."

We got cut off, so I called him back about 10 minutes later. And that's when I really broke. Gawd, I hate reading peoples' posts when they break down this way, so please don't think I'm some emotional freak. Okay, just kidding. Here's more:

He answered, and I asked if he was alone for a minute. He said yes. I told him that I hated how things had shaken down between the two of us since I caught him with OW. I assured him I wouldn't do anything psycho to try to win him back, but that my heart just wasn't quite ready to give up on "us." He said, "Oh, God," then later said, "I don't know why you wouldn't."

I told him that I missed the old H, and that I understood that maybe the old H was gone, but that it didn't mean we couldn't be cordial to one another. I told him it hurt that he was so angry and hateful, and that I don't hate him for leaving me for someone else. I told him it hurts, but it doesn't make me hate him. H responded, "Well, I don't know why it doesn't."

I told him that I had learned with ex-H that I could be friendly, regardless of who he's seeing. He said, "Well, I don't have any feelings for you, so maybe that's why I don't care about your feelings." I told him I understood why he says he can't care about my feelings right now -- and that might or might not change. However, I said, I don't understand how you can say you have no feelings for me when just a couple weeks ago we were both ready to work things out. He simply stated, "Yeah."

I told him that just because he apparently took his feelings of love for me and gave them to someone else, doesn't mean that he *can't* care for me at all. I said, "You can have feelings of love for OW, and still care about how I'm doing, or at least how your son is doing."

I also told him that his messages to me seemed kinda mixed, and that I wish he would break down the walls he's built around him so he could just be real with me. He responded, "I can't. I gotta go." He asked if I was still at the sculpture, and I told him I wasn't. He asked if the girls were with me, and I told him they're not.

I don't know why I called him. And I don't know what to do from here. Geez Louise. Are these my stinkin' pregnancy hormones kickin' in? Do I *really* want to try to salvage a R with this guy??? WTF am I thinking?? WTF am I doing?? I swear, my feelings change as often as I change my freakin' underwear (which, obviously, is very often!! ).

I read on someone's thread (maybe some NYs advice??) that it doesn't matter whether you give up or continue trying to save the M; the feelings will be there, regardless. Ugh. I *hate* that!! What a freakin' roller coaster!

I asked H, from an outsiders' view, if I was just intimidating or something -- if people just assumed that my feelings didn't get hurt because they know how strong I am. He said, "I don't know. I can't talk about this right now. I'm hungry."

He ended the conversation with: "I'll be seeing you around. I'll be by there to pick up some more of my stuff later."

Today's one of the days I feel like my heart's been ripped out and stomped on. I knew it was coming. I knew I couldn't be Superwoman much longer. I break like this every other month or so, and then I regret it. I just can't understand why my life has turned out this way, or what I can do to fix it. I know I don't *need* H. I know I don't *need* our R. But boy, do I miss it. And boy, do I miss (the old) him.

BTW, HF, yes. My son's name is Ollie. Thanks for asking!

And thanks to all of you for being there, especially on days like today.