Ahhh. I've always said that anticipation is far worse than reality. It's good to know that held true even last night.
I had been dreading New Year's for the longest time. It was one of our favorite holidays (H & me). Last year, we were in NYC. Being preggo this year, I couldn't drink myself into oblivion, so I knew I'd be sober and depressed. And I assumed in the meantime that H would be out having a great time, and worst of all: Kicking off the New Year, making dreams with someone else.
The moment got the best of me at around 7 p.m. last night. I was sad, though I wouldn't say the feelings overwhelmed me by any stretch of the imagination. And at midnight, I tried to make myself feel that way again, and I just couldn't. Very strange. I mean, I missed him. I was sad he wasn't beside me. But I didn't cry, because I didn't feel the need to. He was doing whatever he was doing, and there wasn't a darn thing I could do about it.
Today, I've tried to realize a few things. Yes, it would have been nice to have gotten a text msg from him, a call, something to wish me a Happy New Year. He knew I was dreading the holiday. He probably assumed I was very sad. But then again, who knows what he was thinking? I didn't text msg him or call him, either. Yet, I was sad and certainly thinking of him. It's possible that he thought of me, too, when the clock struck 12 ... even if he *was* with OW. And who knows whether he was or not? I've been out of town for the past four days and have absolutely no idea what he's been up to during that time.
My mind started drifting this morning, to thoughts like: "Hmmm, wonder if he didn't call me because he knew it would make me suspicious of him being OW? Wonder if he's just trying to hurt me?" But then I realized that it's truly not about me. He's probably not doing much of this to hurt me -- he's doing it all for himself -- though at times I do think a big part of him hopes I'm hurting. And I really don't understand why he feels that's necessary.
I guess something I realized last night is that while the last half of 2005 belongs to my H, in this game that our M has become, the last part of 2006 will belong to me. So he kissed OW last night, if he did? I'll be giving birth to his son this spring.
And I don't know what that means. A big part of me wonders if he's gonna try to come back home once my baby becomes "real" to him. He's the one who said (back in the good ol' days, when we were working things out) that he didn't want anything other than a complete family for his son. He's the one who said he couldn't imagine a life in which he had to pick up his son every other weekend. Of course, two weeks later he was saying, "F*ck that kid." I don't know how he's gonna react, and it really doesn't matter. But it's fun to speculate.
OW may have his attention now, and that's okay. I would argue that there's a pretty good chance that I'll have it in four months. Then again, maybe not. And that's okay, too. Because once I spit this precious baby out, my life begins...with or without H.
