And I'm gonna try my damndest to keep a place in my heart open, but I'm trying to close it on H. He's making it easy. Do you know how humilating it is to have to undergo tests for freakin' STDs when you're married and pregnant? It's really quite humiliating. Had to do it today. That bastard. My midwife asked if I could call H and ask, in all seriousness, if OW had ever been exposed to Hepatitis B. I swallowed my pride and did it. He responded ever so matter-of-factly, saying, "I've already checked everything with her, and she told me she got tested for everything in October, so everything's fine."
I almost wanted to vomit. Why?
This same thing happened with XH, and I feel today exactly the way I felt then. That he and his GF were handling this sh!t together, and here I am -- out in left field all by myself. Nobody said life was fair, bigAl, but nobody said it had to be this f*cked up. I don't know when I'll have good things coming to me. I thought I had found my place when I met H. But I was wrong. And I'm afraid to trust myself again. That's why it's going to be very, very difficult to keep my heart -- even a little place inside of it -- open. But I'm trying like hell to do it. I really am. I just don't know how. And I don't want to go through this anymore. I'm just tired. Just plain tired.
