Hey, guys. So good to hear from all of you. Thanks for posting, and making me feel, well, normal. .

Andrea
Your encouragement is priceless. I've always been really good at putting myself in others' shoes. I'm trying like he!! to do that with my H, to figure out if he has any remorse, guilt, anything for what he's done. I know how it is, though, to "fall" for somebody while I love somebody else. I did that a lot when I was younger. And I know my thoughts weren't with my partner -- really, at all -- during that time. I felt no remorse. I felt entitled to do what made me happy. But the funny thing is, I would break up with my boyfriend, have my little fling with the other guy, and as soon as it was over, go right back to my boyfriend. That's something that tends to happen. I try to remember what my boyfriend did that always beckoned me back to him. He cried and begged and wrote letters, all to no avail. Then, he simply backed away, carried forward with his life. And I guess at the moment I saw him "moving on" -- he even started dating someone else -- I moved right back in. Sound familiar?? Granted, I ended up losing him for good that way, and it's something I'll always regret. He was my first true love.

Anyway, enough reminiscing, but it is a good lesson to ponder. Hurts right now, that I can't do much to make H "jealous," or to even show him I'm "moving on." And ya know what? I don't need to do those things. The only reason I'm contemplating all that is to make him jealous. And it's not because I want him back. I mean, that would be great in some ideal world, but I don't think I'd want him once I got him. Not after all he's done. So right now, it's the "thrill of the chase." It's the challenge. Awful, ain't it?

But my point is: I don't know how the WASs felt at Christmas. There's that part of my brain that says, "Of course they were thinking about us." But the more rational side -- the one that understands that human beings are not what I've always wanted to believe they are, but instead can become dark monsters in no time flat -- says, "Heh. Yeah, right. He wasn't thinking of you. He was thinking of J. That's who has his heart and his mind right now."

So I dunno.

caverna

So good to hear from you again. And here's a sign for you: I have that same book! My friend/spiritual mentor was in Barnes & Noble not too long ago, and had a similar experience as you. In other words, she was "led" to that book. It's very powerful. She called me from the bookstore, totally freakin' out! Of course, she bought me a copy. And I love it.

I often share my signs with her. It's been butterflies for so long now. They pop up at the strangest moments, but right when I need them. In fact, after about a year of having butterflies "lead" me to different things -- yes, I know it sounds weird, but I seriously broke award-winning news stories with the help of the ol' butterfly -- I was sitting on my back patio in August, and I had a conversation with God that went kinda like this: "Okay, God, I think I might be preggo. That's not the best news, considering for the past year I have lived off of coffee, water, cigarettes and beer. Very little food. I kinda need to know if I'm preggo, but none of the tests are coming out positive. Why don't you send me one of your cute little fluttery butterflies to let me know, since it would be too early for a test to pick it up?"

No butterflies. The next day, I left work to go pick up a few more preggo tests. Got home, put the key in my back door, and as pretty as you please, a beautiful butterfly landed in the branch of a tree that stretches to my back door. It sat there long enough for me to get my camera and take several pictures, then it floated away.

The preggo test came out negative. That was a Monday.

On Wednesday, I went to the doctor for a blood test, was seated in a room wherein pictures on the wall featured -- you guessed it -- butterflies. I've come to know that that room is the only one with butterflies. As I'm waiting on the results of some tests (that ended up coming back negative, too), I was looking out of a huge gazing window in the doctor's office, over a vast field, and would you guess that two butterflies danced their way toward me -- one literally tapped the window I was looking out -- and they both floated away??!!

I didn't need a test anymore. It was official. I was preggo. Sure enough, my blood work results came back a day later. I was 3/4 of a week to 2 weeks along.

And those butterflies have given me such a sense of peace ever since. It was like God, the Universe, Fate, whatever, was telling me that his/her/its hand was on this sitch from the beginning. When my H left, I rememebered the butterflies, and I felt more at peace, because I know a Higher Power is at work here. I have no choice but to believe that.

bigAl
Hi! Sorry this post is so long. I smile everytime I hear from you. . To be honest, I didn't write down all the signs, so I know I'm going to forget some here, but here are the ones I remember:

Last Monday, I was sitting in the parking lot at work, talking on my cell. That's not weird. At just that time, though, H pulls up in the parking lot in the next block, where the DMV is located. That's weird. He pulled his car in, facing my work. I left. Here's why it's strange: Think of the timing. It's a Monday morning. We're both supposed to be working. What is the probability that I would be outside, on my cell phone, at the same time he pulls up at a business in the next block? My job is way across town from his, BTW. Okay, so that's not a really significant one.

Well Monday, someone rang my cell. It's a weird number I would have never recognized if I didn't know how to search it. So I did. It was a pretzel company that's about 30 miles away from my home. It was obviously a wrong number. Strange. However, H's brother and his partner live in PA, and have started three or four franchises of that same company up north. So I automatically thought of them, even though there was no way one of them would be calling me.

Then yesterday (the day after that phone call), I get a gift certificate from H's bro and partner to that pretzel company, and another one to Barnes & Noble. It's the first contact they had made since H left.

Sounds to me like maybe I need to go eat a pretzel.

Isn't that weird?? I don't believe in "coincidences" anymore -- I believe there's something much more behind them than just being a coincidence (have you ever watched the movie "What the Bleep..?") -- but I don't know what it all means. Between those coupla things that have happened recently, and seeing my H packing or unloading his car at home every time I drive by -- which hasn't happened until recently -- then the dreams and everything else, it just seems like Life is keeping H right in my face. And I don't know why. Seems to me *he* is the one who needs visual reminders.

Why does Fate/God/the Universe seem destined to keep him at the forefront of my mind? I can assure you that my eyes are *always* open to "signs," or "coincidences," what have you. So it's not like I'm just starting to notice. I wish it were that simple.

My midwife told me this morning, even after hearing the story of H, not to "close any doors permanently." What, if anything, is Life trying to say?? Argh.

Cynics need not respond.