I've spent a few days away from the boards, and still don't feel quite like jumping back in the saddle. But it's Christmas after all, and a hard one. Just like everyone else's ... so I don't feel so bad about just plain venting. This time.

Haven't heard a word from H. Not today. Not yesterday. Not the day before. Just as simple as that. My girls haven't gotten a phone call. No gift. No f*ck you. Nothing.

Maybe this is the easiest way to deal with things. I know from a prior conversation I had with H that he was planning to go to PA. When I decided to stop my DBing efforts, I decided to really stop. I mean, if I'm gonna go out, might as well be with a bang. So I sent his mom a letter. She knows I'm a champion for the truth, and I felt the need to respond to some of the things H had recently told me about his parents -- like the fact that they didn't respond to my letters in September and October because H had convinced them that the baby I'm carrying might not be his.

I don't care about changing their opinion of me or my sitch. I simply explained in the letter what went down recently and told his mom that the next time I'm the topic of discussion at the family dinner table, that maybe the truth could be discussed rather than some fabricated story aimed at damaging my character.

So in essence, I introduced the in-laws to OW. I'm very sure H hadn't breathed a word about her to them. He did, after all, have to uphold his story that he is the victim. I'm sure he's pretty pi$$ed at me exposing the truth. But I didn't do it out of spite. I didn't do it to cause any friction between any two people. I did it because it was the right thing to do, and because I'm tired of taking the blame for something that simply isn't my fault.

Now, if they continue to want to blame me, they can. At least they know "my side of the story." And I did H's dirty work for him by letting his parents know he has a new GF. He can go screw up *her* life now. I'm done letting him screw with mine.

Christmas was otherwise wonderful, despite the occasional crying bout. I locked myself in my parents' bathroom during family dinner last night. I just wasn't able to pull myself together, and I didn't want the girls to see me like that. I finally broke down and had a glass of wine -- hey! they do it in France! -- and that knocked the edge off a little. My sister and her H and two kids, plus my brother and his fiancee, all came over to my house, and Santa visited here. The girls were thrilled this morning. They haven't even mentioned H, except for last night when they saw my red, puffy eyes -- and knew I'd been crying because I miss him. But it's good to know that such heartache and pain can go seemingly unnoticed for the kids. That gives me hope.

My family, as always, has been very supportive. And I've decided that I'll go to my sister's, which is about 3 hours from my home, for New Year's. She's preggo, too -- about four weeks further along than me. So I won't have to be around all my high-flyin' friends here. I love 'em to death, ya know, but it's hard to be depressed and pregnant on such an occasion. I told my dad today that this will likely be the first New Year's that I've spent sober in 10 years. . H and I were in NYC last New Year's. What a memory! It will make this one all the harder.

Valentine's Day is my anniversary, and that's gonna be the worst, though many of my friends have volunteered to dump their Hs for me. . I think I'd rather just take Tylenol PM and sleep that entire day -- actually, the entire weekend before, all the way through that day. Hurts my heart to know that H already has his Valentine in place. He'll likely be spending our wedding anniverary with OW. Ouch.