Just got back from individual counselor session. Talked with C a lot about issues with D15 and W. She says be careful - in her quest to hurt W, D15 is using things I have said to her out of context. That makes ME look bad which I can NOT have. So, when I got home I talked to W about a better way to deal with this stuff so we're a united front.
C thinks the way I handled the 'you have to pay to live here now because we are separated' was very good. Respectful and fair. And I gave many concessions when I could see she couldn't afford to live here at her present income level. But, C also says she DOES need to experience the consequences of getting a divorce before it actually happens. She says 'do it NOW rather than a year from now when it will be much harder'. Part of that will allow her to see just how much I HAVE DONE to support the family even while I was down and 'hurting her'. Once again causing her to re-evaluate her view of me and of our old relationship.
C also said that the change in words when talking about '5 years ago' is significant - like she now is angry because I DID NOT do what she needed and NOW SHE HAS TO DO THIS, like she has no choice because it's "too late". And 'THIS' is making the kids suffer, her suffer and me suffer. See how it's all my fault now? Before it was HER fault, i.e. "I should have divorced you 5 years ago".
The line where I told her that I trusted her with the life insurance if I die because she has never done anything to make me NOT trust her - she cried because she feels guilty because she HAS done something, she has OM. And no matter how she looks at it, she said DIVORCE to me AFTER she got him, not before. Guilt.
And, C thought I was respectful in all the things I said abut finances, and especially when I said 'I'm just trying to move on with my life'. Message: As you requested, Frank isn't going to take care of you anymore.
Overall counselor said we are compressing 5 years of communications that we SHOULD have been healthy enough to have, into several weeks and months. C's goal is to release or at least defuse the hurt in her and anger towards me so that at some point we are no longer in that anger phase. I'm already beyond it and beyond her in my growth because I have actually been working on myself and she hasn't.
Then, W could feel 'safe' changing her mind if she wanted to. She says she will continue to seek that one little pinhole of light that when she sees it, she can pull the elephant through and get W to face what REALLY is the root of how she acted for the past 6 years and what are all the sources of her hurt. I hope she can do this.
When I got home W told me that she had looked at her finances and the bills we had agreed to split and realized she would not be able to split expenses for the Girls. Things like clothing, School fees and lunch money. I hadn't thought of any of that since I knew the utilities would put her in a tight spot. She said as it is she doesn't have money to buy herself clothes.
So, she humbly asked me if I would pay all the school and kids clothing expenses since I make so much more money than she does. I said 'of course, it's not that important to me. I don't expect you to be financially able to pay for all these things right now, but to take a few months to get a job and stuff and work your way up.
Note: One thing she doesn't realize is that paying a mere $600 per month worth of utilities and other houshold bills plus her credit card bills and other things that come up which is about $1,200 a month is NOTHING compared to what renting an apartment, feeding and clothing yourself would cost. Especially if you wanted an Apt that had two rooms so the kids could visit.
And, if she did move out, she would have to pay ME child support too.
I really really hate doing this. She has never lived on her own and this is what she says she wants. In this one thing I have to stop taking care of her and let her do it herself. Sigh. At least she isn't looking at this as me being MEAN or SPITEFUL as I keep making concessions and telling her 'this is what we'll have to do when we have separate households anyway' and she agrees with me.
We talked a little about how to deal with D15 from now on and she made the comment that she can see why D15 likes to talk to me because I am her role model for what a good man should be like. I said, 'Yes, I can understand that. And I know now that I am a very good father'. She said, 'yes you are, you always had it in you'.
Thankfully W is seeing our counselor tomorrow for individual session. Hopefully there will be progress for her.
Quote: From Narnia....
"Is he safe? I feel rather nervous about meeting a lion."
"That you will, dearie, and no mistake," said Mrs. Beaver. "If there is anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they're either braver than most or else just silly."
"Then he isn't safe?" said Lucy.
"Safe? said Mr. Beaver. "Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good."
To get respect, sometimes we need to be lions. And GOOD.
