Quote: I would say to continue as you have been doing...if her heart is still open and I think it is...and you have truly gotten help for the drinking and depression...then she will see this...
I am very serious about this and have gotten more help than I ever did. I do not drink. She even keeps a bottle of wine in the fridge that is opened and I think it's a 'test' to see if I drink it. One of her pet peeves was 'we can't keep any alcohol in the house or you'll drink it'. The wine is 3 weeks old. But, it doesn't matter to me because I simply don't care to drink any more. When I make a life choice like this I stick with it. In the past I didn't though, and I believe it was mostly because it was my 'security blanket' so I wouldn't have to feel bad. Plus, I was 'doing it' because she was nagging me, not because I WANTED to. Once it became CLEAR that I would lose my family, and had already lost myself, I took action. And she HAS seen it. She said so in counseling, and last nites argument where she said 'I wish YOU HAD DONE something 5 years ago' instead of her usual complaint of "I wish I HAD DIVORCED YOU 5 years ago." This is a change.
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... huge hug to you...you've come a long way...and I know sometimes I can read that you feel it would be best to give up...don't...continue with the therapy and let her see that you are serious.
And I do continue therapy. It's so hard though to see her hurt and know that I had something to do with it. And to keep working and hoping while she continues to get more determined, not less. I have resigned myself to knowing that at the very least, everything I do to help her heal her soul will be a step towards removing the dark blotch that is on mine for not being there for her. So she will have a decent life without me.
It's painful as he!! sitting in therapy and listening to her attacks aimed at me for basically not being there and abandoning her emotionally when all I can do is keep saying "I'm sorry, I was wrong". But I DO LOVE her enough to do that for her. She shouldn't have to carry that pain.
Our counselor told me that we are really compressing into several months, conversations that SHOULD have happened over the past several years. So much hurt has been stored up in her, and in me, that it's going to be a lot of time and work to release it and gain respect for each other - which we need whether we Divorce or not.
Lisa, I hope you are right , that she sees the changes and maybe, just maybe she will trust me and want it. Counselor says that she thinks that W sees this time as her 'chance' to get out, and if she doesn't take it now she'll never have the strength to do it later, since she doesn't think I will really stay 'changed'. Counselor says her 'goal' is to slowly remove the pain and anger aimed at me so that we're on an emotionally level playing field. Then, if there is any hint from W that maybe she could have done things differently and maybe this is the final chance to make it work she will change her mind. I hope thats right but there is so much to overcome.
I wish our WAS's could really see inside US and realize that we are the person they could be happy with - finally. That we have rediscovered ourselves and are ready to live right.
