ok, spent time with D15, she tells me mom is not relating to her on various levels. Acting like a teenager, telling D15 'why do you hate me' and other stuff like that.
Later, I ask W what happened and she tells a different story. I tell her what D15 said and she says that is not true. D15 doesn't lie, but neither does W. A little later I talk to D15 before bedtime. I tell her of my conversation with W and how W says she did NOT say 'why do you hate me". D15 says very calmly "Dad, she said it. I don't need to make it up". Now what do I do? Is W psychotic or is D15 trying to rock the boat?
Couselor had said that she can't just say 'I want a divorce' and not have to live the consequences. Since she won't move out into her own apartment then she has to pay to live here in the house.
I am trying so hard to make sure it doesn't look like I'm trying to hurt her financially. I made a bunch of concessions AND told her that all our therapy costs should come out of the shared funds. She was grateful for that as she had no idea how she would pay for therapy for herself. WHEW! I was worried she wouldn't accept the money and skip therapy, which is the ONLY hope for us. Small miracles. I took over payment for one of her credit cards since the only balance on it was money we used to buy an Oboe for our D15 to play. Of course ALL my credit cards were used in some way to furnish the house but that doesn't count, does it.
She had looked at her budget and actually could afford to pay her share of the utilities. I'm paying EVERYTHING else, mortgage, taxes, food and just asking her to pay half the utilities. She knows she needs to find a job for real now as she can't even afford to live HERE in our home as a room mate.
As we're talking about sharing expenses and other stuff tonite. We get to the life insurance payout ($500,000) and she says I should make the kids the beneficiarys instead of her.
Me: I want to keep you as the life insurance beneficiary. I trust you implicitly to take care of the kids if anything ever happens to me. In my whole life I've never had any reason not to trust you. (Until now, but only with OM, not with kids and money.)
She suddenly starts to cry about that statement. I add that I'm trying to be fair, not mean, and to tell me what she thinks should be different or what may be unfair. she says she understands that this is what divorcing couples do. I say 'Yes, I'm only trying to move on with my life and this is one of the things we have to do'. She says "I understand"
Thens she says:
W: (crying) I wish I could get over the anger I have for you
Me: I know, I'm sorry for all the hurt I caused you.
W: Well I'm sorry too. I'm sure I'll get over it eventually.
A minute later she gets up and goes to her room still crying. I wait a minute and follow her.
Me: W, I'm so sorry for all the hurt. I wish I could change things. I wish I could go back in time and fix it.
W: I wish, I wish. I wish you had done something 5 years ago so I wouldn't have to go through this now.
Me: So do I, but I'm doing something NOW.
W: (still crying) Yes, but it's too late.
Me: It's never too late!
W: Yes, sometimes it is. It is.
She Closes her door while still crying. A few minutes later I hear her sobbing loudly in her room. I should be there to comfort her but she doesn't want me to. I can see the hurt, and behind hurt that deep is love that deep, at least I think so.
WHat do you all think about this exchange with her? Over for good? She seems pretty convinced it is too late.
One other note: The anti depressents my Psych gave me have been doing wonders. I feel a lot less anxiety and much more even keeled in all my interactions with her. It makes detaching and being aloof easier too since I am not hurting or anxious as much. I wish I had these earlier!
