The slow walk home

[frank_D]

frank,
How about this. Before you met your W she had other boyfreinds didnt she? How do you deal with thinking about them? I will guess they dont even cross your mind, or like me they do, but it doesnt bother you. Maybe that will help. Bottom line is that he is not even worth the effort. Of course thats easy for me to say. Do whatever it takes.

Well, old boyfriends are easier to deal with because they are not around. And with the exception of one of them she had very little good to say about them. The one she DID though she ended up going back to when she broke up with me for 9 months. She later told me he was a loser, divorced and a used car salesman now. She needed to get him out of her system then along with other things I guess. At the time she left I thought I'd never see her again but she showed up in my life 9 months later very much changed and humbled. We started dating again and eventually got married.

Yeah, the fact that HE is not worth the effort is true. It's her feelings towards him and away from me that hurt. BUt I do realize I give him too much power in my mind - he isn't really attracting her or even doing anything useful in her life. He is just a 'toy' that she wants to 'play with' because it feels good and lets her not have to deal with the reality of being a wife, mother and grown up.

The OM's in our case are selling a bag of crap to them about how they would never "treat them like that", they A&V the hurt like we CANNOT - even if we do it as well as the OM does - which we do! In my sitch, my W will be happy for a little while - I still think this will be a flash in the pan.

Yeah, the OM definatly A&V's her anger at me whenever possible. It's really his only security. I wouold think by now he would have a clue that she lives a whole lot better than him, has much better finanacial stability and because I db'd IMMEDIATLY he can't find anything bad to say about me since she has only been able to tell him that I have benn 'really good about this'. Kinda blows it for him to some extent, but the crap in therapy gives him ammunition against me.

He is very different than me, almost an exact opposite but has SOME of her interests, actually only one - massage. And he's not as good as she is. Doesn't live in the world of technology like I do and has never been capable of building a company from scratch as I have. This is a whole different type of person.

My fears come out when I think that maybe that kind of person is more suited to her since they are far less intense in their feelings and life choices. Her mom divorced her dad who was similar to me in that way, except he wasn't as willing to look at his own crap like I am. But then, W always was excited when things were moving for us in good ways so the 'intensity' is great - as long as it's making her feel happy.

I hope the 'flash in the pan' will be because we have something together that nobody else can give her - our family and our history together. It just remains to be seen if that is important enough to her.

She is unfortunatly also surrounded by some people that are D'd and they seem to think everything is fine - It is superficial and BS.

My W has two friends who are real problems. One of them is a 'spiritual counselor in training' and thinks she knows all the right things to do from a spiritual point of view. 'Find your path' 'live your truth' and all that wonderful crap. She doesn't have bad feelings towards me, and I actually helped her make a video to sell teaching a massage technique she made. So she owes me. BUT, she won't say anything BAD about what W is doing if asked. She will 'support her decisions if they bring her happiness and there are past life issues to be solved'. She has said as much to me in the past. So, I stopped talking to her over a month ago and she can no longer expect my help with her video work. The other friend has been around for about 12 years. She's extremely overweight (both friends area actually.. W is not), doesn't date, works in a day care center as an assistant director, has health problems and on and on. She is generally nice but never liked me when I was down. She was instrumental in our first breakup 6 years ago and wouldn't talk to W for a year when we got back together. The past few years we got along better but now she is ecstatic that W has found a 'real love' who will treat her so much better and isn't a problem to her like me.

If I really was a loser we wouldn't live in a nice house, have whatever we need to be comfortable and have good kids who are well balanced now would we? We'd be messed up, kids would be flunking out of school and doing drugs .. right?

It's a pattern with her family and this is where I pity or sympathize.

Her Dad and Mom divorced when she was 17. As her dad tells it, her mom gave him the 'I don't think I want to be married' story also. They went to counseling where probably neither one tried hard and things were ok for a while. About a year later she did it again so he (being the kind of guy he was - a bit controlling) cut up her credit cards and said 'go be on your own' so she left.
That was about the time I met W. Her mom dated some real 'interesting' guys and eventually married a wimpy (but decent) guy and moved to Seattle. Of course that meant W and her brother hardly saw her again.

Her dad married a woman about 3 years older than my W. But to his credit, he did make himself available to both his kids when possible but wasn't very good at listening sometimes so they rarely came to him. But he was there and at least they saw him. When he heard about our divorce he talked to me about his Ex and was teary eyed and you could tell it still hurt. It doesn't go away ever. When will people get it?

Her brother, who is a couple years younger married a neurotic woman and had 2 kids. He had been in a motorcycle accident years before and had problems with memory and focus that she KNEW about when she married him. Well eventually she and her mother (who was a real basket case) treated him like an idiot all the time. The sad part was that she got a degree in psychology and would tell W that she KNEW her mom was a negative influence and they needed to get away from her. None of his family (mom, dad, my W) made any effort to question why he never came to see them, and on the rare visits to his house would see how she belittled him and 'wondered' why he put up with it. No family support system there! His solution was to basically walk out on her one day after telling her in front of her whole famliy at a restaurant that he just was't going to be treated like that any more. Custody battle ensued and he now doesn't get to see his kids at all.

I get angry too because she'll split up a family figuring it out. But for me, this helps with the detachment. She NEEDs to see the other side of this. She needs (and WILL) see me moving on in the next couple days and weeks and she will lie to herself about liking it.

Yeah, she gave me the 'are you dating because if you are that would be great' line. I told her that wouldn't happen for a couple years because I know that I am not in an emotional place where I COULD be in a relationship. Of course, SHE is in that place isn't she? She couldn't be in a relationship with me, how could she have one that is healthy with someone else?

So I will begin to block HIM out of my thoughts and see HER as someone to pity because she feels the only way she can be loved is to chase losers instead of FIGHTING for a man she KNOWS is a winner. She said so herself that I was wonderful, etc. I pity her for having to see her life as a series of 'spiritual experiments' that if she messes one up, she'll get it right in another life, or if she finds 'the one' from a past life she can be happy with them now, even if their current life is less than optimal. Pity her because she thinks that running away has always been the option when you have problems that you can't solve. Instead of reaching out to those who can help you, like I eventually did on my own. I am almost done blaming myself as I have seen her hurt first hand, but also seen that SHE DID NOTHING SUBSTANTIAL to deal with OUR (not just my) problems. It doesn't make me BLAME her but it does make me feel less guilty.

Right now she is on a marathon reading frenzy - she has been going through her 'collection' of spiritual books and re-reading them all, apparently 'looking' for something. I could tell her what is missing from her life if she asked me. But how do I get her to ask?

Here is my take on 'spirituality'. Being a person who lives mostly in my logical mind I see that there are many ways to view our world and the people in it. I see that there are people who have a knack for helping other people to 'feel better' when they are down. We all know someone like that (empaths and healers). There are also people who we trust to tell us what the 'right thing' to do is in almost any situation or predict how a situation will turn out and be right most of the time (intuitives).

There are many other types of 'gifts' that are discussed in the world of 'spirituality'. I see it as just that, 'gifts' we all possess that some people are better at than others. How we got there is a mystery but we DO have them. My particular gift is that of an intuitive first and a healer second. You can see that in my writing because I get a good sense of what someone is feeling in their posts and then say what I think about it with the focus on making it better. I also can look at someone and when I first meet them I can tell a lot about them, like are they trustworthy, honest, angry, etc. and that has helped me a lot in my business dealings.

W is a healer. She actually manifests it through her work in massage. When she massages someone she can seek out the exact muscles where the tension or anxiety you have is being held, and push it out. She is very good at this. I've had many massages but none from anyone who can find the real problem spots so easily.

So, I see spirituality and 'gifts' from a logical perspective. I just never saw them as anything 'magical', it's just the way some people 'are'.

The best thing happening right now is that she IS finally going to see our counselor for an individual session. That's what she really needs - it to be only about her and her issues. Our 'divorcing couples' sessions help but she realy needs this.

Ok, so detaching is my thing to do as I have been saying over and over. Using the 'pity' method and coming from a place of compassion resonates with me so I will start doing that. Thanks for all the input!