Quote: Our counselor took every bad thing and connected it to an action or lack of action W had made during those times which was very helpful in weakening the effect of the negative memories
W says: He was always drinking every nite.
C: How did you deal with the Kids seeing their dad like this?
W: Well, he didn't drink till afte they went to bed...
C: So he tried to keep them from seeing him down like he was?
C: Did you ever really tell him how much you hurt, like you did today? Did you really lay it down and SHOW him your pain?
W: Yeah, I would tell him the next day sometimes but he didn't listen.
C: But you really didn't get out your real anger or hurt, you just 'told him'. Honey, your 'bag of feathers' was full of nothing but hurt because you never really expressed how you felt so even when you and he had GOOD things to share you had no room for them in your bag. So all you have is a bag of hurt and we need to empty it out one negative feather at a time.
W: Well a few months ago I got really mad and I shoved him and he fell over the coffee table behind him and I got all scared I might hurt him badly so I kept it in after that.
C: And you kept filling up that bag.
C: Did frank ever hurt you physically?
W: No, he never did. But he would tell me how I would be better off without him and he should be dead because he was no good to anybody. I would get scared he was going to hurt me or the kids.
C: Did he ever threaten to?
W: No, but sometimes when we argued he would get in my face and not let me walk away.
C: But he never hurt you physically?
W: No.
C: Tell me something else that bothers you that he did.
W: Sometimes he would buy things without asking me, like a car or a motorcycle or computer stuff. I really hated that because I was worried about money.
C: Did you tell him that?
W: No, I would act happy so he wouldn't feel bad.
C: Maybe it would be a good idea to agree that you want to be in on the approval of purchases over $1,000 then?
W: yes I would have liked that
C: Frank, did you ever get mad if she spent money without talking to you about it?
Me: no, we had money so it was not a big deal. I practically had to force her to buy anything nice. She seemed to think she didn't deserve it.
C: Did you ever take the kids and go somewhere when he was drinking?
W: Yes a few times (Note: This is simply not true. She would sometimes go over to a friends house with the kids to 'hang out' for the nite and have a sleepover. It was always a pleasant discussion with me about going, never a "I am leaving you with the kids till you get your act together!")
C: So you threatened that you and the kids would move out?
W: No, I didn't think I had anywhere to go. (contradiction)
C: Did you ever appreciate how hard he worked to provide you and the kids with a good life?
W: Not at first, it wasn't until someone told me how lucky I was that he could do all the things he can do that I started to appreciate him. He's a really great dad and has always worked hard to make sure we're ok.
C: Tell frank what you appreciate about him, what he does to support the family even when he was hurting.
W: (lists a bunch of things)
C: Frank, what is it that W has done with the family during these tough times that you appreciate?
Me: (list some things)
More stuff was said but the overall theme is 'she said or did this' and 'franks perception of your feelings was skewed because you were keeping it all in'. Or, for many 'bad things' there were good things to counteract them.
