D15 asked me to take her for a drive to 'get away' tonite. W seemed slightly hurt but trying not to show it.
We didn't talk much, just listened to music. She made a comment on W's mood which I pointed out was pretty good today. W also gave D15 one of her diaries that she wrote in when D15 was 2 years old. She said it had all kinds of stuff about her, and some things about how I was a great dad then but not around a lot because I had to work so hard. It's really great how much I am getting to know my daughters now. I only wish I could save their family from breaking apart.
Went for a walk and cried through most of it. I just couldn't get her hysterical sobbing in therapy out of my mind. I'm very empathetic and it was like I had taken her pain into myself and could feel how she felt. Counselor did say it was 'necessary' for me to 'bear witness' to her hurt. I can see why, it makes me VERY clear on what I need to do to be sure I don't hurt her (or any partner I may have in the future) because I can see what it does. I don't know if W sees what affect this has on me but at least I am not angry with her any more. Mostly sad.
I avoided W all day. When I did see her I was a little quiet but did stay upbeat. So she can't give me the 'passive-agressive' label today. Trying to 'let go' is hard. She only spoke to me about 5 times, for 5 minutes each time and only about kids stuff. Seems like she gets more concerned when she thinks I'm mad at her. She probably sees me down and is avoiding me, but I am at least acting neutral or upbeat so who knows.
One bad thought I'm having is that she is telling OM about the session and how she got in touch with these awful feelings that I gave her. Then he can be the hero and bad mouth me and reaffirm her decision to divorce.
Our counselor took every bad thing and connected it to an action or lack of action W had made during those times which was very helpful in weakening the effect of the negative memories. C has said that she is working towards showing W that SHE also played a role in all these events. She is also trying to replace the bad memories with good ones when she can. I'm lucky to have her.
