Quote: So, IOW, she's pretty much following the WAS manual. Well, that makes her somewhat more predictable for your handling the sitch.
Yes, I can agree with that, she is 'classic' WAS except for one thing. The deep hurt she is experiencing that I caused by not taking care of her. That in itself makes it hard to believe she would ever want to be married to me. Especially since OM has none of that baggage. Regardless of how that relationship turns out, she wants to 'feel better' and OM does that for her. It's more an EA than a PA due to the distance but thats what she needs. Even if/when that ends she's going to look elsewhere for that feeling. And she'll keep OM going as long as she can so she CAN feel better. Even with all the negatives WE see in him, to her he's a safer choice than being with me.
I didn't know any of this was going on inside her the past few years. If I did, I know I would have done something about it, even given where I was emotionally. She was mine to care for and I failed her. Sure, I can come up with a hundred ways she failed me, but it doesn't change what I did and how it affected her.
I know I'm a good man, she wouldn't have married a scumbag. And I know I am a good dad, a strong person, a trustworthy and sympathetic soul. I am all those things when I keep myself in my heart space and strength and don't self medicate to run from that pain that overwhelmed me. I couldn't have had the level of success in my business life and the respect of everyone who comes in contact with me if I wasn't a good person. I've never screwed anybody, but I've been screwed in business. So, I have integrity.
I just don't feel like it matters any more what I do with her. I'm an anchor for all that is painful in her life and nothing that is pleasant. OM represents only pleasant feelings or, if any are bad, they are nothing compared to mine. How can I overcome that?
I've cried more the past 2 days than I have the whole 3 months. Guilt and loss. I guess it means I have a heart and soul still.
I'm kinda feeling like I can redeem myself in the eyes of God or whatever by letting her live her life with OM or whomever, propping up our financials and being a good dad to my kids. For the next year of living in the same house I can at least remove the worries of what will she do as a single mom from her and put together a plan for supporting two households till D10 is old enough to leave home. W deserves to be happy after all the stuff she lived through. Yeah, 90% of the time was 'good' but it's the wounds we inflict on others that they remember. I don't care about OM any more, if it makes her happy then that's what matters to me.
I will work on 'detached' and 'letting go', it's not like there is a choice. Maybe there still is some feeling for me inside her that isn't just hurt. That's what sucks the most. She says sh recognizes all the goodness and love she knows is the genuine me, but it's the years of hurt she has buried in herself that make her run away.
So DB'ing for me is pretty simple. Detach, Let Go and maybe by some miracle she will still love me enough to make it work for real this time but I won't count on it. Either way I love her enough to let her go and make her own life happier.
Isn't that why we are here? Because we do love them enough to do whatever it takes to be happy?
