I'm going to reply to my own post. I think like AmyC with her husband, I am seeing why W is a WAW emotionally. Her affair really means nothing, it's just a way to hide the hurt as demonstrated by the counseling today.
I never truly understood the depth of the pain she was feeling. She never truly understood the hurt and lonelyness I was going through. Little by little we chip at it in counseling so we can each find some peace.
I told W that my primary goal in the counseling is to help her release her hurt and anger with me so at the very least her life without me won't have that baggage. Even though she felt she 'did everything she could' in our marriage, she was not stronger than I was, even in my depressed state, and didn't do anything she thought I wouldn't approve of. Of course, that meant she did nothing.
It seems like there is an infinite number of things that went wrong for us. It also seems insurmountable. Our counselor said that since she NEVER yelled at me and kept so much in that it's going to be a lot of time and effort to let it out. I witnessed her sob uncontrollably for 5 minutes and Counselor having to hold her to calm her down. I'll be sitting in a lot of sessions letting W cry and yell at me to heal the pain. But, it's necessary.
She holds it against me that I only changed myself after she said it was 'over' and is wary that it's not for real. But we all know that for men, it's ACTIONS that motivate us, not words or threats. Small comfort though.
The fact that she still 'has bad dreams that I am drinking again' tells a story. Why would she care if she doesn't need me. I guess because she doesn't want the kids to be let down by me. She can find a whole list of 'good' qualities in me and says I am a 'wonderful' man. But it's those few bad ones that she doesn't trust any more.
Regardless, she's been quiet tonite and seems a little down. I'm not suprised, both of our souls were bared today and they are damaged. I'm trying to be upbeat but I think I should just stay out of her way and give her space. Actually detaching and letting go will be easier now because I don't feel very worthy of her true self, whenever she lets that woman out again. She's a gentle soul who needs to be loved with reverence and softness. But she also needs to learn how to care for a man when he is UP and when he is DOWN.
I'm still not sure if this is a positive step towards fixing our relationship - she still says she wants a divorce. But Counselor said that she HAS to be re-evaluating the relationship and what SHE could have done differently and whether she DID want it to work. Maybe someday a door will open a crack. Maybe she still loves me.
As DB'ers we sometimes never get to see into the soul of our WAS to witness the hurt inside. I saw it today and I am so ashamed. AmyC, I understand how you feel now.
I hope everyone gets the chance to witness their own WAS's hurt first hand. I think if we all did that we'd have a better chance of rebuilding.
I know I'm a good man, I always was. After all I began DB'ing and I truly love my wife and family. I've endured an affair and been supportive as possible to my wife. I came to the plate and have been willing to admit my wrongs. Most men wouldn't. These past few months have been eye opening and I have a better relationship with my kids than I ever had in their whole lives. Before I hardly knew them.
It's amazing the things we do to hurt each other and we don't even know we're doing it. If we only took care of OURSELVES better we'd be able to love and care for others better.
I'll be alright, I always am. I'll keep DB'ing till I see no hope and then I'll STILL DB so I can keep a good relationship with my Ex.
I hope this helps others to understand their WAS's.
