Quote: One of the reasons I see hope in your sitch is that your W continues to go to C with you and Ds. She has not closed off the idea of getting help. I think your therapist is pretty slick, too. W may think she is just working on being good friends and coparents but there is more going on than that.
Yes, there is. We had 'couples counseling' today. This was by far the most explosive session ever. W totally lost it, expressing the hurt she had been harboring for the past several years because I was depressed and drinking and she couldn't do anything about it. Lot's of yelling at me. It was very theraputic.
Counselor got to the root of things: W was too young and inexperienced in relationships to know what to do when I was down and out. She felt unloved by me because of my situation, but I felt unloved by her because of her lack of support. Catch-22 where both of us were emotionally lost.
I could go on but suffice it to say that she is hurt, and some of what she is doing is to run from that hurt. While she blames me for 99% of everything, she is hearing from me how I hurt, and how she didn't express herself to me so I would feel wanted.
She says that even today she has bad dreams where I get depressed and start drinking again. She won't ever believe me when I say I am better now (which I am) because she has heard it before. She just want's to learn how to stop hating me so she can move on.
Privately Counselor said to me that she will eventually have to re-examine the relationship we had and decide if she really doesn't want anything to do with it ever again. And, since we live in the same house she will see me not drink and be a good father for a year. C seemed very hopeful.
As far as my DB'ing, Counselor said I do need to detach and be less available so she can have her space and see how she feels without me. She said the anger yesterday regarding the walk we had together and my detachment, which W called me being passive-aggressive was her unhappy with me not being available to her.
She told us both to treat each other with reverance and love and drop all expectations that we will react in any way like we did in the past.
One more thing, which I want to say to all the men and women on the board. Counselor said that maybe 1 in 10, or less, husbands or wives will stick it out like we do, DB'ing and working on healing. Our S's DO see that. They expected us to cry, whine and leave with out tail between our legs. 'Good riddance' they say. Us working on the relationship shows them that we love them, even though they don't want to love us.
