Saw counselor today for family therapy. Here are some highlights.
D15 was asked what she would like to happen. She said she wanted the divorce quickly so she could get it over with. Move into separate homes and start healing. She said she's tired of the interactions between W and I because she doesn't think we can be 'friends' as we live together.
C asks her 'ok, and if there are two households how do you see yourself living in that situation?'
D15 says, while looking at W: 'Mom, I don't want to hurt you but I think D10 and I should live with daddy. He's the most stable person in the house right now. You just aren't emotionally there for us, and you aren't a stable presence.' (whoa! D15 later told me she was afraid W would think I put her up to it but she had to say it)
W crys a little and asks why she thinks that, but today she has had a very good front up so it doesn't get through to her that much. D15 talks about some of the stuff that's happened in the past few days that I also observed and says she just doesn't want to be exposed to it any more.
C asks me what I would miss if we had two households. I say I would miss not having my girls around all the time. Asks W the same question, who suddenly starts to tear up and says she would miss not having them and the aloneness she would feel when they are gone with me. (What? Was she thinking this would be all fun?)
Then she asks W : how would you help to support yourself and the kids when you are in your own separate home? W says: Well, um I could get a job and try to make more money than I do now.
She asks me: What would you like W to do to help you to support two households? I say that she would be better suited to take care of the girls during the weekdays so I would do my best to keep them in a good home but it would be hard. She says: You think you'll have to work more hours or harder? Me: Yes but I know I can do it. C: But do you think you can hold yourself together while being under so much stress? Me: I don't know. I think so but it will be hard. But I will do it for my girls. C says: I know you will, for all THREE of the girls.
(gotta love her, she is basically showing W how much of a burden this is putting on me, yet I am willing to do anything to keep them safe and cared for, including HER)
Later when asked what I have to say to W, I say that I would like it if she would be aware that her mood seems to go up and down and it seems to be related to whether or not she is talking to OM on a regular basis because when she's down for a couple days but then IM's him her attitude suddenly goes way up and stays there. She says she had been down because of other things, processing some 'losses' in her life. Then she says she has hardly IM'd with him this week and give me a bad look.
Her comments about me are that she thinks I have suddenly become passive aggressive with her. I think she is interpreting my withdrawal in that way because I speak in short sentences and stay quiet or am not around. Too bad.
Overall the general theme of the discussion centered around D15 totally having no trust in W as far as her ability to be responsible for the kids and her total trust in me. It was also centered around how much life will change when we are apart. W had to see what she was looking forward to and how it would impact her and the girls.
She had to see that as a responsible father and man I was being forced to support two households and the amount of stress it puts on me. Basically there were no GOOD things discussed regarding us being divorced. All bad.
Later that evening D15 had a talk about things. She told me how she was afraid to say what she said but that she was pissed that W acts like she is all together and it comes across as so fake. I said she wasn't "genuine" and she liked that description. She then described the times over the weekend that I mentioned in previous posts and hw fake she was and how she really didn't want to be around her. Wow.
D15 went on to say how she has been having to rethink 'who she is' because she got most of her identity from W allthese years because while I was in my depression she really didn't know me. Now she says she used to think her intuitive abilities and her core strengths were from W but she sees me now as being much more like that then W EVER was. Yet W is always telling ME how much more grounded and spiritual SHE is and I am the one who is 'shut down'.
For me, this was a very interesting observation from D15. Mostly because I never think of myself as 'spiritually guided' but all my life I have had a knack for surviving through things that most other people would panic in. I also have a knack for seeing a situation and understanding what it means and how to fix it. I think some of my posts show that to me.
D15 basically says that W is just like any of her other teenage friends in that she behaves badly and is self centered. Wow.
Her biggest gripe though is that she wished W and I would be in the same emotional state at the same time. I was depressed for year, then W goes off and I get better. Why can't we both be 'better' at the same time. I couldn't explain that one to her other than to tell her that her mom put up with a lot from me so don't look down on her right now.
I didn't ask her any of this, she just started talking and said it all.
Today I also saw my Psychiatrist. See, in order to get anti depressants you have to see a psychiatrist because a regular doctor won't prescribe them. So I see this dr. every 3 months to get my prescriptions and talk for about 15 minutes. She doesn't usually talk much to me because she knows I have a couselor who is good.
I hadn't seen her since the bomb and told her what had been going on. She was surprised but then went of a long tirade about 'women who suddenly walk away from their life so they can be teenagers again!. She described W's actions and gave me some examples of other women she treats (no names of course) and told me 'It just amazes me how many women will just walk away from their H's in their mid to late 30's so they can find out what they think they missed while they were being a mother. They think the grass is greener on the other side, most end up having an affair and it's almost always with a guy who is a jerk! In her experience the majority come from strong stable marriages too. She said that she will have a woman in her office and talk to her about all the love and stability they are leaving behind and they just don't care, they gotta have whatever it is they think they are missing.
Most end in divorce, because the women piss off the men long enough and bad enough to where they just don't want to deal with them any more.
I told her about OM and his 'I will move out west this year' promise and she laughed and said " I doubt it!". So far everyone I know says that, except for ME.
Anyway, it's amazing to me that no matter where you look you find these stories of WAW's and they are all the same!
She told me that I shouldn't blame myself, that even though we had problems she would have done this anyway. The problems just make it easier for her to justify it. She said that all LBS's should let them go and focus on themselves and their families. And DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF because no matter what you did or think you did, it wasn't enought to cause this to happen, it was going to happen anyway.
