Well today was the first day to practice detachment.
Obviously last nites exchange about D10 and my aloofness / anger touched W. She asked me this morning "Do you want to go on a walk with me? You said it would be nice if we walked together sometimes." Hasn't asked since last week when she thought I hated her. Today she is bouncy and happy because of course she had IM'd with OM this morning! I'm so lucky that when she is in good terms with OM she is much more fun to be around! (note sarcasm)
I said OK even though I wasn't sure if I should have said no, as part of detachment. So we went for a power walk. As we start she tells me her brother is sending us $5k he owes us for paying his child support a few years ago. Says 'think we can put it away for D15 to buy a car in 6 months?'. I immediatly say "Nope, that is not financially prudent, we have to save money for the divorce and to support two households.'
She says 'oh, ok'. Not too sad though. She really seems to forget that DIVORCE costs everyone money and lowers everyones standard of living.
We walked and talked very little. I kept my answers to whatever she said short and to the point and tried to smile. It was basic smalltalk, mostly silence. After abut 20 minutes she asks me if I would rather walk alone because it seems like I need my space. I said 'no, if I didn't want to walk with you I would have said "no". It's much more enjoyable to walk with someone then to be alone'.
I smiled more when I talked and I made a few jokes when possible. I think I was able to get across that I didn't care if I was with her or not, but that I wasn't mad at her.
Of course she will take it as I am mad at her.
The rest of the walk I was friendly and coordial. It was hard because I wanted to be super nice so she would think I was fun to be with like I have been for the past couple months. I guess I don't want to be fun to be with, at least not with her. She doesn't deserve me the way I am now.
Overall, it was extremely superficial and dull. I KNOW she was only trying to see where I was at or she wouldn't have asked to walk together. So much of the walk all I could think about was how she has betrayed us all and what a whore she is that she would leave me for someone else while claiming she is 'finding herself'. I just WOULD NOT do that. Ever. I was thinking about how she had said a few times over the past 3 years that she was thinking she needed some time to find herself and live on her own but she wasn't able to DO IT till she found someone new to be involved with. What a coward.
And, I have since learned that you can grow in a marriage when you are an adult living in adult relationships.
I HOPE this is proper detachment and letting go. I am trying to not care without seeming angry or mean.
When we got home she went into her room and a phone call came for her. I brought it to her and she opened the door and was naked. All I could think about was how sexy she was now, lost 20 lbs, and how the ONLY person she would sleep with is OM. It's like, I supported her and made all the emotional investment, and did all the suffering and kept the houshold together while she let me suffer and withdrew from me, then someone ELSE get's her when she finally gets her act together.
Yeah, I know it's not helpng me to think that. And she hasn't been able to screw him for 5 weeks since he's far away. I'm sure they will arrange some way to get together in the next month because SHE wants it. She still has that week in february blocked out for him to come here but I don't know if it's going to work out. She told me the other day that she wasn't traveling anywhere for the next couple months and she would have to fabricate a story to be able to spend time with him if he came here.
Anyway, at this moment in time I am in so much pain I can't think straight. I better make sure I don't see her naked any more because it triggers these thoughts. I am so tired of the hurting, and the thin hope that she might decide to care again. Like so many of us I don't want to 'wait around' for her to 'get it'. If she's as stupid as her brother was she will never get it since her model in life is a mother who ran off and a father who ignored their problems.
It's so hard to not hate her, and I find myself doing it a lot lately. To me, your word and your integrity are the most important thing you have. She talks about 'living in her integrity' but doesn't see what she is doing as being outside that.
I sometimes think that my part in our relationship problems, depression, drinking to escape the hurt was living outside my integrity, and in a lot of ways it was. But it is a whole world of difference when you end your troubled marriage so you can chase someone else you just met.
I hate this. But the more I hurt and see her be so uncaring, the more I don't want to be around her. Yeah, in her world she is trying to be 'my friend' so I am supposed to be glad about that. We'll have a WONDERFUL divorce! It'll be a party! Kid's will be so much happier becaseu Mom is so much happier! Yayyy!
And, when OM moves out here eventually (he will, right?) then she will have that partner she has wanted to do all the things in life she couldn't do with me. The fact that he is a heavy smoker, divorced twice, would move away from his kids and at 39 years old hasn't done anything of value with his life doesn't matter. It'll be different with HER.
Why am I doing this again? Oh yeah, because I know she loves me still. It shows.
hey spitfire, I really need some strength from you!
