Quote: Spitfire23: It's ok that you are disgusted. I'm disgusted for you. I still think you've got half a chance to save this, if you still want to. Stay in the house. Keep your family together and try to ignore W's craziness.
Thanks for the support. You always seem to find something good from something I see as bad.
Saw my counselor today and told her all the stories. She still says 80% chance that I will pull this back together in 6 months or so. Sigh.
So, I'm going to relate some of the insights I got with her today. I know that these seem to be helpful to others and it helps me to write them somewhere too!
Regarding the new years eve 'disconnect' she thinks that the morning hug I gave W when she was hurting over her feelings for D15 and her dream, caused W to have a conflict - if she doesn't 'need me' then how come she gets emotional support from me and likes it? For that act of kindness she had to push me away. COnsider that a healthy person would have felt grateful for your support and been nicer to you.
She also thinks that OM seems to be unavailable during the holiday weekend. When W was all upset new years day and into monday but then perked up after Messaging with OM she said 'she was not getting her FIX every day and needed it. When she got her FIX she was ok then'.
By the way, she likes my name for him, 'maggot' 'lives off the flesh of others'.
For detachment, you have to really stop caring. don't let the other person get ANY reading on how you are feeling about THEM or what they are doing. Be indifferent and say NO a lot. Like if they ask you to go somewhere or to do something for them, say 'no, I'd rather not'. Don't assist or cooperate in anything they are doing that doesn't affect YOU, YOUR KIDS or anything related to both.
The idea is to make them truly see what life is like without you, which we see in LRT. I just happen to relate well to these explanations C gave me today.
C says in a couple weeks she will change her behavior in some way, as we have seen in other peoples sitch's.
BUT an important point: When they are EMOTIONALLY needy you have to make a choice as to whether or not to be there for them. The easiest test to think of, whether you are religious or not, is think "What Would Jesus Do?". Would he comfort the person as a human being would another human being, or let them stand in their pain so they may learn from it? When these things happen, you'll know what to do.
So of course I said 'I really think that if I do detach and stop caring, I won't care if she ever comes back to the marriage. I mean, how can I forgive her for what she's doing?'
Counselor: Over the years I've seen many of these situations where one has an affair and the other is extremely hurt by it.
Think about having a very lovable and loyal puppy who you never think of as having a mean or agressive bone in their body. But then a rabbit hops by and they run off in a mad dash to chase that rabbit. Nothing else matters to them! They have to catch the rabbit! Nothin you say will stop them and they don't know why they do it, they just DO. But, after the rabbit chase they go back to being 'normal' again.
Maybe they got hurt while chasing the rabbit and they need to be healed. Maybe they feel bad because they heard you calling them and they know what they did was 'bad'. Eventually though they stop chasing the rabbit and unless they got lost, they find their way home.
In 'letting go', when the LBS is able to stop needing the love and start giving love without any expectation of anything in return it opens the door to a new level of loving. Real Love. This kind of love can bring a marriage to a new, stronger place where you are with someone because you CHOOSE to GIVE love and they CHOOSE to GIVE you love and neither of you is there because you NEED them to GIVE YOU love. In that case their transgressions won't matter as much because your new relationship is based on you GIVING them love instead of NEEDING them to give you love.
And we can do that with out WAS eventually as we heal ourselves from NEEDING and begin to learn GIVING without receiving. Give freely to all those you meet, including WAS but keep your heart door closed against those who would TAKE.
I think I get it.
Mantra:
Be indifferent to their actions and needs.
Stop caring what will happen to them. They are making their life choices and they will reap the results.
Never tell them how you feel about anything related to THEM. If they ask, tell them you are doing what you need to do to move on and in my case, to be able to take care of the kids. Tell them you are not angry at them. Tell them NOTHING that will allow them to know for sure they still have you on a string.
Don't be helpful in any way except for things that benefit you, your kids or the family. Everything else benefits them, and they don't want you, remember? Just say "I'd rather not".
GIVE love to others without expectations. When you can do that with WAS and feel good about it, your life will change.
