Quote: I agree with the counselor... I think after the changes and the A&V have been established, it is time to slowly pull away.... the S needs to change and come with you or you will never have a good R anyway...
What I am struggling with is how much pull away vs. how much affection/support/affirmation.
Since I live with my W like TJ does, I will be
-- Spending time with my kids. This will also make her see I am a good father which is always a plus in a womans heart. -- Not specifically including her in anything I'm doing with kids unless it would be totally rude to exclude her. SHe can ask to join or just jump in if she wants to. Again, not mean or rude, just don't make an effort. -- When I'm not with the kids, I'll be in my room or in my office or out. If she wants to talk to me or spend any time with me she can ask me, I'll be very available and glad to spend time. Again, not rude, just not going to give of myself unless requested. Would you follow a 'friend' around the house and talk to them or do things for them all day? No. -- ALWAYS be as nice and loving and giving as I would normally be. I just won't initiate anything with her unless I have to. I will ALWAYS be glad to talk to her when she initiates with me. I will ALWAYS give affection / support / affirmation when I do talk to her of course. I just won't make an effort to talk to her.
Counselor said if she asks 'what's wrong' I should just say "I can't be happy every day in this situation. Today I'm just feeling a little sad, angry, and disgusted about my life so please give me some space'.
It's not a judgement just your emotional situation.
I did this last nite because I was SO ANGRY with her (read my thread). Last nite after our incident with D15 she came home and I was in my room reading. She comes in and says
W: Hey, D15 is upset a bit but ok now. SHe broke up with her boyfriend today.
Me: Well, that is certainly a life lesson for her.
W: Yeah, that plus everything else going on is too much for her.
Me: Yes, well she'll sort through it.
W pauses for a moment not saying anything...
Me: Well, good night then! (I look down at my book, she doesn't leave)
W: ok, well I'm sure it'll all be ok. Good night.
Me: Good night (back to my book).
---- This morning -----
I get up and go get my coffee. Normally I would sit in the kitchen and 'be available' to talk to W who will usually talk about something. This time I get coffee and go back to my room and get on my computer and read e-mails.
She comes upstairs after about 20 minutes and says to me:
W: Will you please do something with the Dog!?
Me: What's the problem?
W: He's taking all his chew toys and hiding them in the couch and chairs.
Me: Well, did you punish him?
W: I yelled at him but he keeps doing it
Me: Well spank him
W: I did, but you're better at disciplining him.
The conversation then turned to some other topic that I don't remember. I never did go deal with the dog and she didn't ask me to. So, why do you think she even brought it up? It's not like she EVER asks me to discipline the dog. I mean she NEVER does. Counselor says she just wanted contact to see if I was still there for her.
I was.
1/2 hour later, she comes in again. This time she has her exercise clothes on. We both walk 5 miles a day to help stay in shape. Never at the same time. She says
W: Want to go for a walk with me?
Me: Why, do you need to talk? (we only walk together to talk about things away from the kids, pretty rare these days)
W: No, you said it would be nice if we went for walks together, part of being friends.
Me: Oh, right. I'm sorry I forgot. I would love to go but I have an appointment in 1/2 hour and our walks are over an hour. But please ask me again some time!
She left for her walk, I left for my appt. This was actually pretty lucky since I would have then spent an hour talking with her which is what I DON'T want to do right now.
The rest of the day I saw her maybe 3 times, for less than 3-5 minutes each time and I was on my way somewhere else. To help 'explain' why I wasn't taking time to talk to her I told her I was in a rush and had a lot on my mind.
Shes' out of town with the kids till thursday which works great for plan 'B' here. She won't see me till then and I can build up my immunity to her so when she does come back I am still distant.
So, if I was a betting man I'd bet she is feeling a little rejected. After all since the first day she bombed me I have been DB'ing, understanding, validating, even talking to her about her affair in and 'understanding' manner.
I would expect she is telling OM how I have 'shut her out' or something. I bet he will say to her I am a 'butt head' but not to care because 'he loves her' and I don't matter. Actually, I would hope he DOES say that, it would help my cause.
But one thing is FOR SURE. She won't get support or validation from me unless SHE initiates contact with me. She may be getting all her 'love' from OM but is she getting stability, support and care for her and her children from him? I think not. Nor do I think he COULD or WOULD do that.
And yes, it hurts and I cried twice today. But I can't keep giving her energy and getting no results. I am feeding her the energy and stability she needs to feel safe while she still does what she is doing. It's time for her to feel less safe. I can't make her move out and have to take care of herself and feel what it's like to be alone, but I can make her feel what life without my stabilizing influence feels like.
Counselor says I will have to make her leave or do something BEFORE OM moves out here (if he really does) because otherwise she will be able to go live with him and not have to take care of herself.
Do I think these things I am doing will make her drop OM any time soon? Nope. But she can't "have her cake and eat it too". She cannot have her 'in love' feelings with OM and my 'stability without giving me love' at the same time. Nope. Sorry. Time's up.
I know I can do this. I also know it will cause some kind of shift in our relationship but I don't know what. Maybe she will just spend more time talking to OM on the phone or internet. But, if she ever loved me and valued my companionship and communications she will miss it now. A real person is much more interesting to talk to than someone on a phone.
Plus, I KNOW HER better than anybody. Better than OM for sure. Who can really understand her, her fears, her dreams her ambitions better than me? OM is no intellectual or emotional powerhouse here, his life is full of problems that I solved a long time ago. 'in love' isn't as good as 'real love'. What I have to offer is real, not a fantasy.
Something is going to happen soon. I hope it's something good. If not, then at least I am protecting my heart space from beng walked on any more.
