Well, this afternoon I had a talk with W about how we could continue to live together. I had written her a poem that talks about HER spiritual journey as I see it. She said that her friends didn't think I would ever understand her feelings and that in the poem I was right on. She cried a little when saying that.
I came up with a list of questions and boundaries I needed to talk to her about so I knew what to do or not do while we are in this house.
She said that she was comitted to staying in the same house with me and the kids for a year unless something came up (like a relationship) that made it impossible for us to be in the house together. Remember, she is on a journey to 'find herself' but also 'found OM" right in the beginning.
I asked her why she was willing to stay in this situation, besides for the sake of the kids. She said it was for the stability. I asked her if she meant that if she needs something she knows I am there, and she said yes.
I read MF's thread '1 year of dbing' and one of the things he talked about is 'helping' the EA along and facilitating communications. So I told her I wasn't going to give her any grief if she needs to call OM or get online to chat with him. I also said I am changing our calling plan so we can make long distance calls for free on our cell phones at 7pm PST instead of 9pm PST. That will help her because OM lives on the east coast. The theory is that if they can talk more, then OM is more likely to expose his needyness or control issues sooner. And since you can't stop it anyway this makes you look like a supportive friend.
I talked about things like 'getting hugs' and other interactions we have in the house and she said 'are you trying to get back together with me?' Oops. So I said 'You know I don't want a divorce but I'm not trying to change that, I just want the ground rules for living here and to tell you what needs I Have going forward.
Well, she says 'why can't we just be present in the moments as they come?' Just live day by day.
Well, can't argue with that. It pretty much covers all the bases. Just be here, let her do whatever she is going to do and just be here.
Today was tolerable but I have the reminder that she would rather be with someone else who is 3,000 miles away right now and it hurts. And I am tired of hurting.
I recall that some of the successful DB'ers are the ones who just detach from W and take care of themselves. I am so tired of hurting, and thinking about her ability to treat me like I don't matter very much, she's not mean, I'm just not loved like before. I still sometimes have to pinch myself because it is so hard to believe that 2 months ago I had a loving wife. Now I have a wife who has a boyfriend / lover and wants a divorce. I never would have expected this from her either, she was very loyal and had integrity. As her friends said to me 'we are seeing a part of her we never knew existed'.
My kids hurt too. They have no idea about the affair so they really don't see the true depth of the hurt I have to endure. And they shouldn't have to either.
I truly need to not care about her but it's so hard. She's dropped some of her walls and is now being very nice and friendly, almost acting like we are married. But I know that underneath she is an emotional time bomb. If I say or do anything that MIGHT look like I think we are a couple again she puts me back in my place. And of course I see her call or e-mail OM daily so that reminder is there.
I guess after two months, and the fact that on XMas day she had to call OM, I should be very clear on our relationship. It's over and we live with each other as a security blanket, for her and for me. If OM actually lived around here she'd be with him all the time so that's a blessing that he doesn't. But he claims he will be moving here in the next several months and she can't wait to see what develops.
While I would like it to fade out before he can move, it doesn't look like it is fading right now. She still pursues him via e-mail or phone and his lame responses are sappy enough to make her think he's the one for her. It's all timing, she wanted to feel 'in love' and he is a needy person who needed someone to latch onto. They were in the right place at the right time. Classic EA.
I MUST detach and withdraw from the daily supportive role I have been playing. It's just not good for me. I need to take care of myself. Maybe it won't matter to her since she only cares about OM right now but it might make her wake up and see that I may be gone from her emotionally.
Who knows.
This is weird but I pulled some cards from a deck she has while she was in Hawaii. They are like tarot cards. The message I got was 'letting go' followed by 'miraculous recovery' followed by 'happily ever after'. They are supposed to represent 2 month spans of time so I guess I am still in the 'letting go' step. To me, letting go means giving up any hope that we will reconcile right now, or in the near future. Instead I just need to take care of me, and let her go to do whatever she is going to do. Just leave me out of it from now on.
We still talk sometimes about stuff going on with her and I am supportive of her. But she is talking more to others than to me because she doesn't think its right to have that relationship with me any more. Yet, I am the one who is tuned in to her feelings and state of mind better than anybody, and she LIVES with me. Talk about backwards.
My Counselor has all these beliefs about OM (a scumbag loser) and her (a lost soul right now) and gives me encouragement all the time. I just don't want to hurt any more.
So, somehow I'm going to 'go dark' while living here. Not sure how yet, I guess I'll be unavailable as much as I can, but be 'emotionally present' whenever we are together.
I can't do this any more, and I shouldn't do this any more. I'm letting her go. She's my roommate. I pay the bills and support the family. In the past few days she has gotten used to talking to me and having me around. but for the next 4 days she'll be out of town with the kids anyway so I'll be on my own.
But when she's back I need to keep in my own space, Love unconditionaly and take care of me. Whatever will happen will happen. I give up trying and am going to be selfish and take care of me, and the kids. I'm worth it and she doesn't want to care.
