Tonite we set out all the stuff for the kids. W noticed I was down and I told her that I wasn't being needy but I was hurting due to our situation.
We ended up talking for about 1/2 hour and we cleared up some things I wasn't sure about. The points are:
- We will be friends, she is worried that I will be too hurt if/when she gets ito a relationship. She says OM is not a relationship yet but may or may not become one, she doesn't know. I would have thought by now she WOULD know.
- She feels guilty about OM and what she did with him. She didn't elaborate but it's basically the trip to see him and the affair. She said that she is dealing with the fact that some of her friends are angry with her because of her actions. I didn't know that, should have asked her who it was.
- She does not ever see us get back together. She feels we have done what we were supposed to do and that she got married too young and didn't know herself. This is all about her and her needs to find out who she really is. The OM is just an additional problem.
- She says I showed her how to love a man and that she knows I was mature in my love life to be able to love her deeply and without barriers but she wasn't in that place in her life and she is trying to learn how to do that now.
- She says she loves me unconditionally, as she does our children. She tried to make it sound like it wasn't special but clearly it is.
- She reaffirmed her commitment to go to therapy together to 'explore those crevasses' where we are storing the hurt from our relationship. She feels (as do I) that we can't have any new relationships unless we resolve a lot of open wounds from our marriage.
- She says she will stay living together for a year, unless one of us gets into a relationship and it becomes too hard for the other to deal with the living situation. As I said earlier, she is pursuing OM relationship but isn't sure if it will become one or not. Unlike me, he clearly does not represent 'stability'.
- We talked about our relationship, our new friendship. She says she is feeling comfortable hugging me and being touched by me, when we had dinner tonite our knees were touching under the table and she mentioned that as a positive event. She is still emotionally 'guarded' and will NOT let herself have any attraction to me at all. She is able to consider hugs, smiles and other touching as expressions of love in the context of our new 'friendship'. She believes it is not a problem for her to keep that distance between us but still have some of the closeness also.
- She says she is dealing with a lot of hurt and grief. She is grieving the end of the marriage and the hurt behind it.
I noticed an e-mail from OM tonite saying that he 'felt negative energy towards him coming from me'. Huh? When we got home and W went into her room and got online to chat with him I was hurt and angry at HER. I don't think much of him but I also don't get angry at HIM because she initiates contact. I generally see him as pathetic.
And please, how could he 'feel the energy' from me? He is not a grounded individual, or even particularly intuitive. He gets all his strength in that regards from HER. And she got her strength from ME.
He knew we were out together as a family tonite. I wonder if he is feeling insecure and has to paint a negative picture of me to her to feel better? I noticed that he only says negative things about me. He has no knowledge of me so how can he know me? He really only knows me through her telling him the negatives and the divorce.
He mentioned to her that he thought his 'ex girlfriend' who is living with him still is 'seeing someone'. He says that's good but the way he phrased it was 'I have been cheated on before and all the indications are there'. Say again? At his age how does he find women who cheat on him, can't he tell the difference? Even my wife has shocked everyone who knows her with her affair, and she feels GUILTY about it, but isn't about to stop because the feelings are so addictive. But he's found women who can cheat on him?
And you don't just ASK her? She's not your GF any more right? I ask my wife all the time about where her relationship with HIM is at. What a coward.
He has decided to move 'out west'. I'm sure that makes W feel like he is doing it for her but I simply cannot imagine what kind of man would do that? I am more inclined to think he needs to move somewhere that he has a woman so he won't be alone. At first I thought this was an issue for me but a lot can happen in the next year.
Clearly HE is not ME. I am much more secure in my self and not one to flit around the country, but to set down my foundations and deal with my life on my own terms.
So, overall what I got from her was a continued comittment to therapy, to discover the things that made our relationship fail. She doesn't ever see us together again, those days are gone forever in her mind. She sees a relationship with OM coming, but isn't sure about it really happening. My gut feeling is that while she believes she WANTS it to happen I think she sees that it SHOULDN'T happen. He is too messed up and she is still MARRIED. That's my gut talking and I am pretty intuitive. Her words say "I am done and moving on", her feelings say "I want to keep you around because I do love you".
While she implied that if she were in a relationship we may not be able to be friends, I think that she would NOT like it if I wasn't her friend.
I get the message that I need to simply be myself, let her do what she says she wants, and walk beside her as a friend would. I was originally afraid of OM and that whole situation but when I saw his email being negative about me it was clear to me that he is afraid OF ME. That's the first thing I think of wehn someone bad mouths me - they are afraid of me.
Even though she is focused on being 'in love' with him, he knows that she loves me in a very different and authentic way that he can't touch.
So, if what she says she wants is true then there is nothing to lose by working the therapy and the friendship.
When we decided to go to bed, I held out my arms and she came and shared a very warm and authentic hug with me and then went to her room.
This is weird. Even though she gave me the 'it's over and I am going into other relationships' speech I hurt, but I also have this feeling in my gut that as she drops her shield between us and if I can be the true friend she needs, then there will be another shift.
The only thing that is blocking me is my own fears.
