This whole 'earning love' conversation is pretty interesting to me. I've thought a lot about it... love. I've come to the conclusion... and mind you, this is my own theories from my own ponderings... that I do not 'deserve' nor do I 'earn' love.
I AM love. Why do I say I AM love, rather than it being some elusive energy that sits 'out there' that I have to find the magic formula for in order to deserve it or earn it.
Well... this is where I am at in my ponderings:
Let's think of the basic foundations of love. In order for love to flourish between two people, we must have security/safety, trust, respect, honesty and vulnerability... these form the bonds of emotional attachment... these are not things we GET from someone else, these are things we GIVE to someone else, for what you call love, or the feeling of love, is what flows OUT of you, not toward you. In order to respect and honor other, we graciously accept the security/safety, trust, respect, honesty and vulnerability that comes our way from them... yet even in so doing, we are STILL giving, because this acceptance is done with love, and love always flows OUT.
If I AM love, and this is the highest form of self that I want to be, then I first and foremost act and react in loving ways regardless of what 'other' does or does not do. It does not mean I am a doormat, for that would mean I am NOT honoring myself, respecting myself, etc., and hence mean, I am NOT love. It means I am being something else, and that's okay, as long as I don't confuse the two.
I think what happens in most marriages, or any other closely bonded group... is not that 'love' goes away, but our agreed upon terms to cooperate and live together harmoniously have gone by the wayside (if, in fact, those things has been clearly established to begin with... and of course they are always open for renegotiation.) Yet... I think we often confuse the two.... concept of love/concept of harmony.
I can love the entire world and everyone in it until the day I die. Doesn't mean I can necessarily live harmoniously with them... and not being able to harmoniously live with someone does not mean that I do not love them.
Love is something I am, it is what I do, it is what I give. It is not what I get. Waiting to receive inhibits my ability to give... it takes up space in my being... and the more space my expectations take up... the less space I have to devote to loving. My energies become scattered... my feeling of 'love' diminishes... and I think it is because my needs are not being met... my expectations are not being filled... I am not being 'loved.' No. I've stopped giving love and started waiting for it... and of course my feelings of love go away because I'm not doing it anymore.
I am love. It starts with me, it ends with me, and then starts all over again. Mother Theresa was once asked how she could tirelessly work with starving and sick children... how did that not drain her... and she responded (I am paraphrasing here)... 'there were days when I wondered the same thing myself. So I gave love. And then I gave some more and I continued giving love. And instead of finding exhaustion and hoplessness, all I found was more love to give.
Okay... so that's Mother Theresa... but this is not a pious love of which she speaks.
So... my point here is... this is love... to me. And in my ponderings, etc., I've found that my ability to love has never been broken, because I don't deserve it nor do I earn it... I AM love, and all I can do with that is give it. My confusing it with what it means to me to cooperate and live in harmony with someone is what has been all tangled up. For me.
Wow. What a friggin' tangent. Okay... gotta go to bed. Nite.
